LoFoSho,

   You're in a situation that sounds in many aspects like the one I was in: a spouse who comes out as trans, intending to transition, then retreats in the closet, dismisses your distress over the loss of your husband and the upending of your world and even attacks you for it, won't speak openly, says it's your fault he can't, and then hits you with another bomb, this one of wanting an open relationship, stonewalling you while attempting to lay the blame at your feet, and then moving the goal posts of what he wants. The end result of this for you is that you're constantly off balance and in reaction mode, rather than action mode.  You need to get some control over your situation, and that means getting out of reactive into active mode, and focusing on you yourself and what you want and need.

   I would say that at this moment, all of your energy should be directed at helping yourself, and getting yourself into a position in which you can act independently of your spouse and whatever decisions your spouse makes about gender expression and sexuality.  You don't want to feel you have no choice but to stay.  One way to go about regaining control is to go and visit a family law lawyer to see what your situation is with respect to a separation or divorce.  You may be entitled to financial support and child maintenance should you decide to separate while you two process this huge change.  One thing's for sure: you may be thinking you can't afford to leave, but trying to care for a young child and concentrate on your school work while in the orbit of your spouse's black hole of need and constantly changing ideas about himself is not going to be a picnic, either. 

    You might also talk to the graduate faculty rep of the department where you planning to matriculate, to ask about TAships or other financial support while you are in grad school.  They may not be available for the upcoming semester or even the first year, but it's worth seeing what's possible.  Another solution is to see if there are other single women with children in the program with whom you might share an apartment and childcare.  Not ideal, but if you are looking for options, instead of trying to convince yourself that you have to stay because you have no choice, there may be options you haven't considered.  I realize that I am not you, and it's easy to tell others what is very difficult to do, and that they don't want to do, but from my perspective, a just retired academic whose spouse dropped his trans bomb after 32 years of marriage, I think you are in a good position to re-start your life on your own.  You have the time and the potential to build your life back up, even if you have to build it from the ground up.  From what you say of your marriage, it doesn't seem as if your spouse, who is spending his time invalidating your feelings and refusing to engage in conversations with you while shifting the ground of what it is he wants, is not going to meet you even half-way as you try to work things out.  (Not an uncommon experience here with men in transition.)  Please don't listen to or feel guilt over your partner's claim that somehow you have made him uncomfortable talking.  That's a very common blame shift, one that takes the onus off of him to act and to engage, and tries to stick you with it, making his feelings become your responsibility, and laying his action or lack of it at your feet.     

One last thing, about the "meat sack."  To suggest that the body doesn't matter is bullshit.  We live in our bodies.  We perceive, feel, and think through our bodies (it's commonly accepted now that our thoughts aren't walled off from our bodies in some "disembodied" mind).  We experience the world, including cultural expectations, through our bodies.  Bodies matter.  And if, as your spouse says, they don't, then ask yourself why it's so important to him to want a different one.  What he's saying is that his body shouldn't matter to YOU, but that his body is allowed to matter to him--in fact it matters to him so much that he's willing to trade his life with you and his child for it.  Well, his body does matter to you: you married a man you fell in love with because he was male.  Now he wants to disavow both his male body and role, and to experiment with his sexuality as well as his gender expression.  There is no reason in god's green earth he should expect you to be ok with that.  Nor should you.
 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 8, 2020 1:49 pm)

@SusanneH and@OutOfHisCloset, thank you both for your thoughtful replies. I wrote that post in a haze, as evidenced by my typos and disorganized thoughts. 

@SusanneH Your perspective is certainly relevant. Unfortunately, despite so very many attempts and scheduled "check ins" he doesn't share. It is heartbreaking.

@OutOfHisCloset, our situations do indeed sound quite similar. And thank you for your perspective as an academic (I am pursuing a MA in Counseling Psychology). The reaction mode vs action mode is definitely accurate, in the case of our relationship. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I will try to start advocating more for my needs instead of bowing to his.