Basically where I am at now is the child still needs to be told (so far agreement that dada is ok to still use and mom will not be used, seems like a change to the new name at some point rather than a parental name). The anger outbursts (from them) fluctuate. Attention is most all on new online friend group and hours and hours in the phone. Better attention paid to the child some days though. Relationship at a platonic place for raising our child. I’m trying to get to a place where I can attempt to build a friendship for the sake of said child. I am not managing their transition and leaving it to them to do the work. Financially it falls to me but at some point the plan is a return to work for them.

The person I originally met seems to have been at least in part a fiction. Not just from the undisclosed identity questioning but from whatever else it is with them. Working on coming to terms with that and also working on myself. So many red flags I did not heed and going through all of the emotions that go along with that. Feeling quite used. Much of what was said during their last huge anger outburst were meant to hurt and they did.

With the pandemic there is no means to really change being all stuck here. Some days I manage ok and others I’m at a various stage of grief.

Thank you longwayhome. Yes, it does seem while I image the scenarios have their unique challenges they share a lot of the same emotional hurdles. Thank very much for the btr link. I’d never come across them before.

I’m fortunate that financially I am in charge and have been able to install and keep boundaries to prevent ruin in that sense. I did allow one new loan (rather did not fuss when it was done) but was transparent about how that extra bill fits in with all the the family commitments. I’ve been near financial ruin in a previous relationship so am extra sensitive to it.

I feel I know what I’d prefer for myself. With a younger child their needs are front of mind so working a lot to determine short and long term how different options would impact them. Some of the spouse’s anger outbursts have been yelling at the child so that is a priority to stop even if it is not often. With the pandemic eliminating a lot of short term options I’m working more on myself to take care of my mental/emotional health and be there to support my child.

Since I’ve not got a time machine I’m trying to minimize the massive amount of “I should have” “why didn’t I” thinking. Been hit and miss on success there.

Then there are days when the behavior is fine so guilt starts to creep in that I don’t want to stay.

Thank you OOHC. I’ve posted a bit on mumsnet which has been helpful. Some there are in the same position where they are not yet out of the situation.

Right now I’m doing my best to work on detachment and healing while having to still be in the middle of the situation and it being right in my face.

Reading a lot more here and seeing so much that I’ve faced as well. Just reviewed a thread mentioning it being common for the spouse to start blaming the straight spouse out of guilt. Yep I was screamed at for not stating I was hetero oh so many years ago. ??? Just so many examples I see of the pattern. Thank goodness for this site and those of you that have shared as it helps so much not think you’ve just lost your mind.

I know I’m the only one that can do it but I am working to get myself to the point where I can say “I don’t care if you don’t “feel” like you can find a job as your new self for “years” but you are an adult and this is the path you have chosen so leave and go live that life.” 

Not even sure how much it would help if it felt like I had an equitable distribution of the work (house/child/finance) where I could  at least see them as a roommate that pulled their weight. They are so self absorbed I have a lazy houseguest that has overstayed their welcome.

I’ve some more reading to do I’m the First Aid Kit as well.

Lily - It was more that he committed to take it out (financing) then told me. Wanted me to fill it all out but did not so he had to figure it out. Thankfully I have the full budget and account access And he’s only ever had access to one account. A set amount is budgeted to him to use for personal use. The payments for the financing are taken from this. I’ve seen time and again that this road can be very expensive so doing what I can to safeguard my finances. Having that heads up was a HUGE help to be able to prepare and keep an eye out. 

I’ve confided in a few friends and my in laws know. With friends with all but one I focus on the non TTT behaviors and pretty vague/generic about my feelings on the rest. The one friend though I’ve been able to be free to speak as I need.

My in laws have been very supportive and I’ve learned that much of the irresponsible behavior and anger issues are long standing. So many ways the person I first met was a fiction. Feel I have a good support system although not local.