Posted by LostNalone  July 29, 2020 1:14 pm | #1 |
Wow.... today I'm just on the verge. I think if it wasn't for this covid thing, I'd be in my car, packed with what is non replaceable and gone.
Lately I've been dreaming of what life would/will be like on my own. Questioning why I'm still here. I just don't know if I have the strength to carry on this charade. I'm tired, tired of living in his closet, tired of the deceit, his games, his manipulation. Tired of feeling guilty that I secretly just wish he would go away forever.
Should I stay or should I go. It is the question I keep asking myself. I am 62 years old and I don't want to die alone, but I also want to live. We have been together 10 years, married 7 and he has been in and out of the closet with (only) me for the past 4 years. He has had some very serious surgeries in the past 2 years and I felt the need to stay and care for him, but what about me. He can take care of himself now, but he chooses to be dependent and I guess I allow it. Our marriage has been contractual for awhile now.
To bring you up to speed, he is gay and a cross dresser and maybe trans, but afraid of what that is so he bounces back and forth. His newest is that he no longer wants to be gay or trans and he just walks around the house in heels because that helps his hip (he has a bone spur). He tends to turn off the true him and goes back into the closet whenever he senses that I'm aggravated with him and his issues and his drama.
Today he came into the living room stark naked saying, I'm all clean and fresh (just showered) want some of this. Now understand, just last night we had a full discussion about how adamant I am about no sex and why. How he can turn his emotions on and off depending on his mood but I can't. I told him, "I cannot remove from my mind you telling me that you are not and never were attracted to me, not just me but any woman, I am just not wired that way." How am I supposed to feel. Then this morning that conversation from last night seems to have never happened. He walks off and I feel guilty.
I'm just tired. I think now I'm only staying because I don't want him to feel abandoned again, I'm wife #3. He chose to move to the sticks where no one can find out his little secret, or was it to get me away from all my friends. He blamed his last failed marriage on others influencing his ex. Oh geeez, don't ya think it might have something to do with his being "different".
I don't feel this bitter every day, but it seems to be happening more frequently. Thank you for just listening to me as I rant. I live this hell alone, I have no one to confide in but this board.
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Posted by Whirligig July 29, 2020 1:31 pm | #2 |
You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. It seems to me from what you are saying that being with him makes you feel that way. And if so, why stay? Chances are that once you are away from him other good people will have a chance to come into your life. Those relationships don't have to be romantic. They can still be rewarding. And being single isn't the worst thing in the world. It might not seem like a great time to leave with Covid but you can use it to get your ducks in a row for when it's less of a threat. And his reason for wearing heels is ridiculous. High heels as a cure for feet issues? They are known for causing them! I'm sorry you feel so isolated and alone. Don't stay out of obligation. He's long since abandoned his obligations to you.
Edited to add that I misread the heels as being about his feet, but they also cause problems in the hips and spine. It's a half-baked excuse regardless.
Last edited by Whirligig (July 29, 2020 1:35 pm)
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Posted by OutofHisCloset July 29, 2020 1:50 pm | #3 |
I was 61 when my husband dropped his trans bomb, and 64 when I left. I'd been married to him for 32 years at the bomb drop. I stayed in his closet for 18 months before I found the Straight Spouse Network Forum, and told a friend. It took me another year to tell my mother, and I did so because I knew that once I told her I would feel that I had to leave. The next thing I did was to see a lawyer (I ended up using a different one when I did divorce). Leaving was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. So I can see why you are going back and forth. I did it for a long time.
My experience was that living in someone else's closet was like slowly suffocating all alone--or worse, because my husband was watching me and didn't care what I was going through. Even if you were to decide to stay, it would be good for your mental health to have someone who knows in your corner, either a friend or a therapist (or both).
Your husband's behavior of walking into the room naked and flaunting himself in what he imagines is some coy feminine seductive manner ("clean and fresh") sounds a lot like the kind of thing my ex used to do. It took me a while to catch on to what he thought he was doing, because his "seduction" went right over my head. I didn't find it sexy at all; in fact, I didn't even realize he was trying to be sexy (that was before I realized his performance was really for himself, anyway). But what's really striking about what he did is that he was ignoring your boundary: you told him the night before you did not want to have sex with him, and then he invited you to have sex with him. Ignoring boundaries is also something my ex did. Not only is it disrespectful, it tells you that your spouse does not care about what is important to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
It sounds to me as if you don't have anything to work with, and if your marriage is increasingly unsatisfactory and unacceptable to you, that's a sign you are realizing this for yourself. And that's a good sign, because you are understanding that you need to put your own wellbeing first and foremost in your life. Your spouse clearly never will, despite your having done so for him after his surgeries. Kel's old tagline comes to mind: you are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 29, 2020 2:49 pm)
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Posted by Leah July 29, 2020 5:49 pm | #4 |
I remember feeling that sense of being alone too. And wanting/wishing my GIDX to just disappear as I felt so disgusted and betrayed. It was hard when he actually did leave and your fears are valid ones that we all have, but when you are being disrespected and treated to a demoralising barrage of demands, the perhaps you will find it is a weight lifted once you are on your own. Don't worry about him...he seems to have abandoned your needs already! Run like your hair is on fire....another of Kel's gems....
Been here, wrote about it here
https://medium.com/@ModernAcu/hiding-from-your-straight-spouse-b787f13f6ff
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Posted by Rob July 30, 2020 11:53 am | #5 |
Lost alone,
Alone is ok..but one should feel that constantly when married.
Some thoughts from a long time member here.. i am not familiar with trans and usually cant comment..and yet.. i can say my gay ex certainly changed into someone that I didn't marry.
Was he trans or did you know he had trans tendencies when you married him?
Just saying I did not know my GX had any same sex attraction when I married her at a young age. Knew her for years before. Married for decades.
Maybe they cant help themselves..gay trans etc. But they made vows and promises to treat us well when they married us. To me its like those vows meant nothing to them. We must keep them but they don't have to.
Breaking those vows whether they cheat or just treat us crappy..to me they then forfeit all rights and privileges to my fierce loyalty and time, talents, affection etc.
This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.
Last edited by Rob (July 30, 2020 11:54 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
