Posted by Jonathan  July 15, 2020 6:54 pm | #1 |
My wife and I have been married 21years. We are blessed with twin sons. For the first ten years or so our relationship was great. My wife had back surgery around 2005. At the time doctors were handling out opiates like candy. She got deeply addicted. When the crisis became evident and doctors pulled back on the supplies she turned to the black market. The financial damage was extensive. This was about 2013. Intimacy issues had become a significant issue by then and I thought I had found the issue. No problem, I can fix this. She went through rehab with my best efforts at support and understanding. Intimacy issues did not improve. Over the next 6 years she found and lost 5 or 6 jobs, some her fault some not. She put on nearly 90 pounds substituting pain killers with twizzlers and Pepsi. I can fix this too. I continued my attempts at intimacy, sex yes, but also meaningful conversation, back massage anything I could think of. I recall her saying how can you want to see me naked I can’t stand to see myself. I responded I actually liked 195 better then 105 your my wife and I love you either way. Over the last year she found a good job that was a good fit. She lost about 60 pounds ,looked healthy and great. COVID brought both kids home from college. Besides the kids we have a big stupid male coon. I recall a strange statement along the lines of there are just to many dicks in this house, if I never see another that would be so great. Dishes in the sink, clothes in and on top of the dryer, maybe we are kinda dicks. Last Sunday I pushed for conversation. She confessed to a reciprocated attraction to a women at work. I was of course shocked but I really believe she was as well. We separated to gain a little perspective. Monday was filled with bouts of anger then grief. We began texting Tuesday. She’s truly confused and lost. I Had never Seen any signs and she says she has never had even the slightest lesbian fling. Might be blowing sunshine, but I believe her. She stated this sudden attraction flipped a sexual switch that had withered years ago. She comes from A very liberal family. There were no religious, guilt constraints. How can this have taken so long to surface? Today I really have no anger. Truthfully my most consistent emotion is relief. I feel like I’ve been trying to put a puzzle together not knowing the middle piece, the one that connects them all was missing. I finally know, I can’t fix this. Sorry so long, but it’s more for me. Welcome any thoughts.
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Posted by phoenix July 15, 2020 7:24 pm | #2 |
Welcome Jonathan.
I'm sorry you are in this painful situation. I'm really happy that you decided to join and share your story. I hope we can help you as a place to outlet your feelings and emotions and get some support and compassion from people who have been through similar struggles.
I struggle believing that a person's sexuality can suddenly change mid-life. I've heard many stories like this, but I always have a hard time believing that it's true. I think people make a choice to repress their inner feelings and try their best to be what they want the world to see. But I'm no expert. I hope that your wife has been completely honest with you.
Leave room for your emotions to change and don't be shocked when it happens. I think my first emotion was relief as well because I finally had confirmation of what was wrong with my marriage. I was still in love so had no anger at that stage either. I'm not saying you have to get angry or feel hurt and pain.. i hope you don't. But don't be surprise if those things come along the way. You may be surprised by other emotions as well.
We are here for you.. stick around and share your journey. Let us know what questions pop into your mind and we'll all try our best to help you out.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Posted by Whirligig July 15, 2020 7:29 pm | #3 |
Welcome and I'm sorry you've joined the club no one ever expected or wanted to be in. I can't speak for anyone else but I'm a straight woman without a switch. Just straight. Personally I think the 'surprise I'm gay' reveal is an escape excuse to avoid responsibility. I think your wife's addictions are likely a coping mechanism or result of internal conflict. Substance abuse is very common for GID individuals. As lily says and I like to repeat, 'denial doesn't mean they don't know, it means they aren't telling'. I'm sorry this happened to you, and there is relief in finally having things make sense but don't rely on her being consistent in what she says. She may very well panic and try to reel you back. The first aid thread is a good place to start for help and resources. Post when you need support.
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Posted by Jonathan July 15, 2020 7:43 pm | #4 |
Thanks so much for the quick response. As I’m sure you all know, the first few days we are all so desperate for any support any one to say I hear you. I so agree with whirligig assignment that her addictions are a coping mechanism. Over the last few months her drinking went way out of hand. Mine wasn’t far behind
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 15, 2020 10:36 pm | #5 |
phoenix wrote:
............Leave room for your emotions to change and don't be shocked when it happens...........
"This"...so true. Welcome Jonathan
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Jonathan July 15, 2020 11:40 pm | #6 |
This really does help. I’ve used the term please expand way to often lately. My latest 2 are to Phoenix’s comment that a person’s sexuality can flip so late in life with no prior hint. Me too!
the other is whirligig comment, surprise I’m gay to avoid responsibilities. I’m unclear which responsibilities, domestic? So can she be gay having never had sex with another woman? I told her to Give it a whirl. Not sure how I’ll feel if she says that was even worse than dick. Can anyone’s sexual desire just completely die?
Last edited by Jonathan (July 17, 2020 11:26 pm)
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Posted by Whirligig July 16, 2020 12:43 am | #7 |
Yes, I probably phrased that poorly, but MJ is correct. It's probable your wife has always felt that way but chose not to disclose it and/or was in denial about it. Maybe both. By saying these feelings were sudden or that a 'switch' was flipped she doesn't have to be responsible for lying to you or misleading you into believing she was straight and could be a loving equal partner in your marriage.
Surprise? She had no idea? Unlikely. Rather, it was easier on her conscience than to admit she'd always been a lesbian and lied to you about it and possibly herself as well. People who do this have problems being truthful with themselves and everyone around them. And that's often why they abuse drugs and alcohol. It's toxic to behave like that and so that's how they cope and escape facing their choices. It would be sad if it weren't so selfish.
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Posted by Jonathan July 16, 2020 6:57 am | #8 |
It’s so true that she has trouble with the truth. According to her parents always. I don’t understand how you can lie to yourself or why need to. Her parents are well educated and I know couldn’t have cared less if she came out. Maybe to start a family? Lying to your self and denial, are they the same thing? My wife and I have been texting that perhaps we finally found the last of her dirty secrets.
just to clarify, the flipping switch analogy related to desire not orientation.
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Posted by Jonathan July 16, 2020 9:17 am | #9 |
Upon rereading your carefully crafted posts, I see a lot of my questions are already answered. Sorry about that, just a bit frantic. I’ll try to slow down. Whirligigs last post really rings true for me. General consensus, she has always known just in denial probably to start a family with financial stability. Quick insight, the first article lord google brought me was on “gender fluidity “. This was new to me but I’m nothing if not open and accepting. It described how mostly women can transition and not be bi. This seems to have muddied the waters a bit as I try to understand.
A couple facts I can’t seem to reconcile. Never in 21 years did we watch Any kind of porn together. She would simply refuse. Quite obviously I know nothing about lesbians, but it seems oral would be a go to thing. My wife hated to receive any kind of oral sex. In fact she would rather give then receive.
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Posted by Whirligig July 16, 2020 9:27 am | #10 |
Yes, but desire and orientation are two sides of the same coin aren't they? I think it's telling that a switch didn't go off for another man. Maybe she just didn't have an opportunity before where someone returned her interest. And if you are in denial I definitely think that it includes lying to yourself and everyone else.
I don't understand it either, myself, but it's incredibly common. Especially in these situations. Reasons vary, kids, image, avoiding family pressure or censure, money, narcissism, religious prohibition. I believe it comes down to selfishness myself. But untangling that skein isn't something I do much of anymore. I'm not entirely free of it yet but it doesn't change anything and I'll really never know. What I do know is I didn't deserve it, don't have to put up with it, and that he has to work out his own issues. I'm lucky to have escaped relatively early but it still left scars. I'd rather work on healing those. He's his own problem now.
*Edited to add that I'm skeptical of the studies regarding women's so-called sexual fluidity. Also, I'm straight and I'm not a fan of porn. I'm a person of faith so that's part of it but I also think it's exploitative and unhealthy for relationships. A lot of it isn't even consensual and is fueled by the sex trade/slavery. Those are my personal issues with it. Opinions may vary but I don't think it's material to my sexuality.
Last edited by Whirligig (July 16, 2020 11:19 am)
