OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Irrational anger, then shame and self loathing

**Posted by 99bob** June 30, 2020 1:22 pm

All of my life, I have been supportive of gay rights and the gay community. I've had many very close gay friends over the years. But now I'm struggling with something.

My STB GXW did not cheat on me, did not betray me. She just "realized" she was gay after 27 years of marriage. After the immediate shock, pain and all of the other feelings that come with this, our relationship has been as amicable as possible.

Here's what I'm struggling with. With this being Gay Pride month, there is a huge increase of gay pride flags, LGBTQ support commercials, etc. I find myself occasionally having a viceral response to these showings of support. I have an immediate anger. Not at the LGBTQ community in general, but I find myslef thinking "whose life was ripped apart when that person came out?". It's as if these are just reminders of the destruction this has caused my family.

Then I have immediate shame and self loathing. This is not who I am, or at least not who I've ever been. I have always believed love is love, regardless of race, gender, etc. I HATE that I have these fleeting moments. My belief system is one of acceptance and inclusion. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so, what advice would you give?

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 30, 2020 2:45 pm

I've had similar feelings of anger and I think it's a common part of the straight spouse experience.

There's no reason for you to feel self-loathing. You're not rejecting the gay community, or violating your own beliefs. You're reacting to a very specific incidence, a very personal one, in which your wife of 27 years revealed that she's "always" been gay. You are understandably in a position to feel betrayed, and to question your life together. Your world has been upended. It's very disorienting. I found myself questioning my very ability to make judgements and have confidence in them: if the man I married could hide from me what he said was his "true self" for 32 years, if I could be so fooled, if I could not have sensed this very crucial thing about him, how could I trust myself to be right about anything?
We are the forgotten ones, the deceived and grieving ones, and when we see the ones who hurt us being celebrated for their "courage," and the "coming out" that upended our world celebrated as freedom, we are understandably unhappy about it.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 30, 2020 2:46 pm)

**Posted by lily** June 30, 2020 3:25 pm

the anger is not irrational - it's just that the reason for it has been dismantled.

the emotional roll of anger shame and self-loathing sounds to me like an indication you are being emotionally abused and believing it is your fault.

again a common part of the straight spouse experience.

can I suggest you listen to Omar Minwalla's podcast on the secret sexual basement. Your wife was undermining your home life with her secrets. that's point A, point B is that she has deflected the blame and shame for this onto you.

Based on my experience, the self-loathing is an indication the toxicity is getting to you. But None of this is your fault. Not one little bit, it's like they have an automatic fan in operation - no blame no shame accepted, it throws their shit onto you.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 30, 2020 3:57 pm

99bob wrote:
............ This is not who I am, or at least not who I've ever been. I have always believed love is love, regardless of race, gender, etc. I HATE that I have these fleeting moments. My belief system is one of acceptance and inclusion. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself.

I know how you feel Bob. Most things/programs/institutions/companies have to display an inclusivity of the LGBTQ section. The opening page of my partners work website has key words and when I see the word "authentic" it makes my stomach turn. I have friends/acquaintances who are gay, there are rainbows and references to them ALL OVER my city.
But I've learned that I was the only one who could process my irritation....because most of the LGBTQ community don't know of straightspouse pain, so when I see the gay weatherperson on the tv I switch off the sound, and have been attempting to switch off my "give a fucks" when I walk over, under or past a rainbow.

We've gotta be smarter than our anger

Elle

**Posted by Whirligig** June 30, 2020 7:52 pm

I look at it this way, love is only love if it's reciprocal and based on respect. How can it be love when it's been built on deception, lies and cruelty to another person? Of course you'd be angry! It's basically a mockery of what you were led to believe you had yourself. Who would celebrate that?

I think many in that community excuse the kind of abuse done to straight spouses/partners as 'justified' and even participate in the abuse. Until they can face the fact that it's not acceptable and start holding people in their community responsible for poor treatment of straight partners and calling them out on it, they don't deserve any 'love' from me. And all the rainbow stuff is just wrapping up ugly behavior in pretty colors. I give my respect to individuals who choose not to hurt other people. Otherwise, what's there to be proud of?

Don't talk yourself out of the anger. It's legitimate. If you stuff it away because you don't feel like you should feel it, you'll likely start struggling with either depression or resentment. It's okay not to be okay with all of it. I still don't like any of it and I allow myself to feel that way. I don't owe any loyalty to abusers or their cheerleaders. There are some gay people who don't love it either so it's not a personal failing on your part. I avoid it as much as possible myself and it helps. It's mostly an annoyance now but it doesn't enrage me like it used to when this first happened to me. Don't be too hard on yourself.

**Posted by 99bob** July 1, 2020 12:10 pm

Thank you all for your collective words of wisdom! It's so helpful to hear that what I'm experiencing seems to be part of the process.

OutofHisCloset, you said... We are the forgotten ones, the deceived and grieving ones, and when we see the ones who hurt us being celebrated for their "courage," and the "coming out" that upended our world celebrated as freedom, we are understandably unhappy about it.

That is exactly how I have felt. There is so much support and celebration for the "courage" of my STBGXW, but I feel like collateral damage. I'm a shell of my formal self, while she is being supported and celebrated.

**Posted by walkbymyself** July 3, 2020 2:06 pm

Bob, I'm the most open-minded person on earth when it comes to gay rights, but I'd be lying if I said this time of year didn't leave me bitter, frustrated, and feeling ignored and neglected.

I tell myself that I have no quarrel with gay people who are open, who lie to nobody, whose only need is to live honestly. My quarrel is with the ones who claim society forces them to victimize their spouse or partner.

But as I said, there's rational and irrational. I struggle not to feel resentful.