Posted by AshleysCandy  May 21, 2020 11:04 pm | #1 |
Hello, I am brand new to this forum and I am seeking any helpful resources you may have regarding support for the partner of a transwoman.
My friend of 8 years came out to me 5 years ago as a cross dresser. I have supported him and encouraged him to be whomever he wants to be and dress however he wants, as long as he is happy. He would dress with me but only behind closed doors. There was one time where he dressed up and we went for a quick walk outside in the almost dark, but it made him feel amazing. It's been only recently that he has been talking about how he grew up knowing he was in the wrong body, and that he loves to be Ashley and how Ashley makes him feel as a whole. I should mention that I am the ONLY one in his life that knows his secret. He said he burried it so deep that he didn't think it would ever come out again, but I pulled it out of him over the years.
He recently confessed his love for me and wants to walk the rest of our lives together, hand in hand. I have always been attracted to him and supported him with whatever he wanted. I have been an LGBTQ Ally for many many years and now with the transition of our new relationship, and the transition with him, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with emotions and needing some support through this. I feel confident that I am able to support him (he hasn't changed his pronouns as of yet) through this, but the phrase "what about me" pops up.
Does anyone have any directions to lead me down?
Thank you for taking the time to connect
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Posted by OutofHisCloset May 22, 2020 6:31 am | #2 |
Words of caution:
Don't mistake your partner's sexual euphoria at dressing in women's clothes and engaging in feminizing activities for a love for you. Men who are sexually excited at dressing in women's clothing and feminizing themselves experience a "high" similar to the high of drugs, and they constantly want to take their activities to the next level. Your would-be partner is engaged in this escalation now.
When you say "he recently confessed his love for me and wants to walk the rest of our lives together, hand in hand," a red flag goes up to me. I don't know if he used that phrase, or whether it's yours, but if it's his, it sounds very much like something my now ex-husband said to me, during the time I was actively supporting his fantasy of being a woman: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!" We were already married, for over 30 years, so I found this odd--it sounded like something that would be said in a romance novel--but I fell for what I took to be an expression of his love. I should have listened to myself, because it was not an expression of love, but an expression of what he thought a woman would say in that situation, and his subsequent behavior revealed that what he meant was, "I love your validation, and your participation helps me achieve a high from my activities, and I need and want both of those things."
Your question "what about me" is healthy and self-protective, and you should listen to your instinct. The fact is that men who are feminizing, whether or not they transition, but especially if they transition, are self-centered to the point that others' needs are unimportant to them. So your spouse can act out his desires, you will be asked to declare yourself lesbian, to remake your sexuality and your sexual practices. If he takes hormones or has surgery (whether to remove his testicles or to create the semblance of a vagina) that will have permanent consequences for your sex life and for his health. To answer that question, "What about you?", the fact is there is no real room for you in a relationship such as this. There is only him, and his relationship with his woman self, and you are there to facilitate and validate "her."
Getting married to a man at the very beginning of this trip is risky and ill advised. You will be combining the stresses of learning to live as a married couple together with the stresses of transition.
Also, it's possible that your friend may decide to continue to live as a woman only in secret, and you will be asked to live in the closet with him. That in and of itself is isolating to you, and damaging psychologically.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 22, 2020 6:37 am)
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Posted by Leslie77 May 22, 2020 6:34 am | #3 |
Hi AshleysCandy,
First of all, welcome to the board. You have come to the right place for resources and support.
My story super-condensed: My husband (in his 60s) came out as a cross-dresser a few years ago. A lot of other issues came out, which I won't go into in this post. I had no inkling of this side of his personality. I thought I married a heterosexual man. After a tumultuous two years, we have parted ways and our divorce is pending. My whole world has been upended.
Back to your situation. You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Your friend - Ashley - is lucky to have you, especially if he has no one else to confide in about this.
I don't know either of you, but based on what you write, I am wondering if Ashley is depending on you too much. You say he recently confessed his love for you - why did that not happen earlier in your eight year friendship? I would look long and hard as to his reasons for a romantic relationship, especially during a questioning time of his life.
You say that you're confident about supporting him and that is admirable, but getting involved in an intimate relationship is something else entirely. In my experience, men who get involved with cross-dressing/female identities become obsessed. You will most likely not be the center of his world, and maybe not even a significant part of it.
The fact that you are asking "what about me" seems to indicate that you have your doubts. If you are uneasy now, think ahead to how you will feel in a year or two if Ashley is dressing and living as a female. You may be in for a boatload of heartache.
I truly wish you the best.
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Posted by Abby May 22, 2020 6:37 am | #4 |
This probably is not the place to find resources on how to make this relationship work because most of the people who post here did not enter their relationships knowing of their partner's belief that they were not of the sex they were assigned at birth. Since you know you are very wise to question "what about me", particularly since your friend is asking you for a lifetime commitment.
It if one thing to talk about "walking the rest of our lives together, hand in hand" and another to focus on the sexual aspects that usually go along with that. You can be a "LGBTQ Ally" but are you sexually attracted to women? Was this person just a friend or was there some sexual attraction going on before all this came out? During the transitioning to a female body those male physical attributes will disappear. Will you be not only be intellectually comfortable with that but lustful for the changes?
One thing a lot of us here have experienced is a spouse or partner for whom we were a person of the wrong gender. We know to our core the pain of not being desired. Is the woman Ashley someone you passionately desire? Will Ashley want you as a sexual partner or as a BFF? When you are out together will you notice her checking out men?
Take the time to really search your soul and make decisions which are right for you. Don't be rushed or guilted.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by Duped June 1, 2020 7:44 am | #5 |
Read Outofhiscloset’s post over and over and over until you understand that this would be the biggest disaster of your life.
You are already here on his behalf, doing the emotional leg work. Don’t wait until you have absolutely nothing left of yourself before you call time on his fantasy fake “love”.
Please please please don’t go there.
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Posted by AshleysCandy June 1, 2020 11:04 am | #6 |
I thank all of you for replying. This is definitely a road that I have not travelled before and I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. There's some valid points that were made and that I do need to consider, and re-evaluate.
Again, thank you!!
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Posted by Terracotta June 24, 2020 8:14 am | #7 |
Umm I am new here also but as I read your story, I have to agree that they are actually "married" to their desire of being accepted as a woman already. I have experience with a trans husband, though when things cleared out for me 3-4 months after his first attempts of openly buying and wearing female clothing, I filed a divorce. But this doesn't mean that I was free from trauma.
I remember him disagreeing with it, saying he still loved me but I openly told that I was straight and can't possibly look at a same gender as a love interest.
Then he kept on mentioning from time to time that I left him out in cold like that, I was the one who divorced etc. That made me stay locked in the situation, feeling guilty and forcing me to "support" him as he was the trans and I was the "strong" straight spouse who didn't need help as much.
I apologize truly for being straightforward but, please do think about yourself. Don't fall into the same trap I did.
As OutOfHisClost mentioned, this is all about their love for their female bodies and how they are accepted. That's all about it. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is tough, but in this situation using your judgement and acceptance of the situation is going to help you a lot.
You won't regret it <3
