Posted by OJECPOMCO  June 2, 2020 11:10 pm | #1 |
My scenario - Moved out since January. Financially independent. I would not be able to stay without physical and sexual intimacy which is what I have been in for seven years.
GIDH - Currently begging that he is willing to be emotionally committed to our marriage.
Now I feel like giving him a second chance might help. I previously asked uncountable times to see a priest/counsellor, and he refused. He is making an effort to see one now and asking me to join him.
Who has worked on it and the person changed? (Lasy year when I moved back temporarily after making a first attempt to leave). He became kind of quieter. Once I don't ask, things were calm. But he also buried himself in work, and it was like we were both avoiding conflicts.
Now I am not even worried about what happens during the divorce process. I have made it clear that I do not want drama. But also I am ready to fight at all lengths for my kids.
Maybe I am afraid that I am giving up without a fight. Fearful that my kids would be without their dad (The last couple of years, I was depressed, and my daughter began complaining that I cried a lot). The crying has subsided since moving out, but I am still numb and sometimes not paying full attention to them. I am also afraid of never finding love. Some say all marriages have issues. You just live with yours.
So, what are my chances if I move back home? Sometimes I want to go fishing and digging - to understand what is wrong with him and how we can work it out. Would it get worse or better?
I am a mess, but I want to move forward. I prayed a lot, being religious. My spirit and head tell me to submit my papers for annulment. My heart tells me we can work it out.
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Posted by Abby June 3, 2020 6:21 am | #2 |
Please correct me if I'm wrong but if you are talking about a religious annulment I thought that it had to follow a legal (civil) divorce. The main thing though is that before you do anything you need to be thinking clearly and at peace with your decision.
Since you have said written that you are a "mess" for the sake of yourself and your children I suggest that you do not change your present situation by going back to him. You are in a vulnerable position and decisions made with your the heart may not be moving forward but backwards because you are in a spin cycle.
Counseling for you focusing on you and not on the marriage can help you recognize what is the right decision for you. Take the time you need to sort thing out.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by lily June 3, 2020 10:15 am | #3 |
yes, that is what people told me too - all marriages have problems. I imagine they do but then some problems are fixable and some aren't. Some problems you can live with quite happily, some you can't.
For all the ups and downs, the way I see it is at base is the love growing in the marriage or is it not. It's going one way or the other.
When I was a young woman I left my ex. I was living at my brothers and he came and found me and told me he loved me, he missed me and wanted me to come home. I did. It was an oddly deflating moment when I arrived, a bit grey, I could almost have turned round and left again but I didn't, he gave me no reason to. He wasn't really thrilled to have me back though.
All through our marriage he would put his arms around me in front of others but was quite explicit that he didn't want hugs at home. Then the day came when the divorce was at his door. He hugged me and told me he loved me. It was always you and I against the world he said. for a moment I was about to lean into the hug and then I stepped back. Not this time.
Why was he saying this now, why wasn't he hugging me for years before when I was begging him to.
Why only make the effort to woo me when he fears I will go and what is it that he will miss with my absence.
The questions I wish I had asked myself as a young woman - how will he treat me if I go back to him.
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Posted by Rob June 3, 2020 1:03 pm | #4 |
I can only give a biased opinion. I had no such problem...my GX wanted out of the marriage..as was evident by her blatant gay affair. For me I've moved on and seen the stark contrast between a normal companion and one that clearly has issues of narcissism and GID.
But I often pondered, especially when it was happening what it would take for me to take her back. She would have had to stop all contact with her girlfriend. But even then.. what proofs could she give me based on her lying and keeping such a fundamental secret, that she wouldn't do it again. , In a sentence,
if she went out shopping with a female friend was it just 2 girls shopping or a date? Why should I have the anxiety of wondering? The stress made me physically shake.
Of course coupled with her cruelty .. if you put a gun to my head I would never take her back. My kids are so much better now with a happy, un-abused dad than me being a demeaned, abused mouse in a marriage with a liar.
I could never do that again..it would be like hurting myself. Even if I still love her. (I actually fear her now).
We love them wholeheartedly..but they love us...well not enough to not hurt us. I think the standard questions apply;
What proofs can he offer that he will never have SSA again and be totally loyal and devoted to you?
How can you know if he telling the truth or lying if he had no moral problem lying before?
Can you live with the anxiety , fear, uncertainty and doubt of him keeping secrets etc?
Would he die for you?
What kind of person takes a vow before God to love their spouse and then hurts them so fundamentally?
Will your kids be better off with a mom that feels safe, carefree and secure in the home vs a mom that is anxious, worried, depressed, fearful?
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by OJECPOMCO June 5, 2020 9:02 am | #5 |
Thanks all, I never imagined it would be this hard to break off. Probably I should never have listened to the sob stories. But I have always thought him to be a nice fellow. I must just suck everything up and focus on my instincts and life. Then follow up with my decision.
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Posted by lily June 5, 2020 12:11 pm | #6 |
we all do it Ojec - listen to those sob stories - that's why seeking advice is so useful because it gives you a chance to remember what happened last time you listened.
More and more I see it repeated - the straight one is the only responsible adult in the room.
Glad to hear you are staying true to what you need. That has to be good for your children too.
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Posted by OJECPOMCO November 3, 2020 2:45 am | #7 |
Hi all,
I wanted to make a new post, and I searched for this. Now reading all the advice. I have not healed or moved a bit from this position. I am so stuck. We have started couples counselling; the counsellor is working on finding a middle ground. I panic or have anxiety episodes whenever I think about it.
Our issues
1. GID
2. He works in his family business and has been controlled by his father whose opinion filters into my marriage
3. I have this job in Rome (COVID has stalled relocation). It is important for my children for their care, especially as I have a special child. I had intended to move from Rome and get PR in another country. I have asked that we relocate. But he is not interested.
4. The counsellor says he has personality differences because he lacks empathy.
What holds us together
1. Children
2. Love. For me it is one-sided, but he says he loves me too.
It appears I am lumping too many reasons and things together. More like I am searching for reasons to leave. Is being gay or having tendencies not enough. Even if he relocates with me, what happens on the love side. I do still love him, but I don't have a heart for another gaslighting.
Why am I so afraid of moving forward or even backwards? I cannot bring myself to begin the divorce or annulment process? I am even more afraid of going home and continue the marriage. My siblings and parents seem to think, giving him another chance is worth it for the kids.
I need help with understanding these things.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset November 3, 2020 9:19 am | #8 |
Nice to hear an update on your situation, even if you are still in limbo.
Sounds to me not as if you looking for reasons to leave but as if you are looking for reasons to stay. Have you been over to Chump Lady? Her site is for peoples whose spouses have cheated on them, but even if that's not the case (I can't remember whether your husband has), she has some great posts on what she calls "hopium" and on reconciliation and what keeps us stuck. I found her site very useful.
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Posted by Blue Bear November 3, 2020 12:53 pm | #9 |
Rob's advice is really, really good.
Here's the question: Do you want to continue a marriage with a gay-in-denial husband who lacks empathy and will likely continue to deprive you of intimacy?
You're having trouble moving forward because you invested in this man, and you invested deeply. He deceived you into doing that, and accepting the truth of all of *this* is really, really difficult. So many of us have been there. We get it.
I've written elsewhere that staying together "for the kids" is an epically bad idea. Trying to make your relationship with your gay husband work is going to divert tremendous amounts of energy from you, which your kids (and you) deserve. You will be unable to model a healthy relationship for your kids. And you will likely not be happy trying to perform the impossible task of being a husband to your husband. He doesn't need or want a wife. Don't do it.
Good luck. We are here for you.
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Posted by OJECPOMCO November 4, 2020 1:58 am | #10 |
OutofHisCloset wrote:
Nice to hear an update on your situation, even if you are still in limbo.
Sounds to me not as if you looking for reasons to leave but as if you are looking for reasons to stay. Have you been over to Chump Lady? Her site is for peoples whose spouses have cheated on them, but even if that's not the case (I can't remember whether your husband has), she has some great posts on what she calls "hopium" and on reconciliation and what keeps us stuck. I found her site very useful.
I headed down to Chump Lady and spent a long time reading up on HOPIUM. Yes, I have made excuses for him. And I am not proud to say I am in hopium. I just need to trace my steps out of it.
For my GIDH, while I never caught him red-handed in bed. I saw chats of him asking a prospective male lover out and professing undying love for him. It hurt then and still hurts now because I never got that kind of love affirmations from him.
