Posted by SoTheProcessBegins  June 4, 2020 11:19 am | #1 |
Here is my story,
My wife of almost 2 years came out to me that she was gay (not bisexual) last Thursday, one week ago from me writing this. As of right now we have been in a relationship for about 6.5 years. For about the last 9 months or so I felt like we were drifting apart. One year ago from today, I remember thinking about it with her, our young marriage was great. We had just purchased our first home, we both had jobs we loved, and our sex life was fantastic.
Last summer she spent the summer abroad doing a training for job. During that training she became "close" to a woman that was in her program that would help her realize that she was gay. I even went to go visit her during the last week while she was there and romantically, felt like there was nothing. She tells me now (and I believe her) that when she came back from that program that she only understood that something was "different" about this woman but never really thought much of it. Fast forward to earlier this year, she went to go visit the woman (she live abroad) and while there she told me they kissed one night and discussed about how they both felt that there was more to their relationship, and wanted both wanted more. She didn't tell me about this until last week, but since that time I felt like the intimacy in our relationship plummeted. We had tragic death in the family soon after she returned from this trip so a lot of that was readily explained away by the tragedy, or the grieving of. However in the last month in particular, I saw her mourning subside but our intimacy wane; which prompted me to confront her about what was going on with us, and which then led to the disclosure.
I, obviously have been devastated, partly because I feel betrayed (even though it is nowhere near as abhorrent as some of the stories I have read on here), but mostly I feel like I am losing my marriage, my partner, and mainly my best friend. After multiple and very length discussions with my wife about here sexuality (i.e. sexual orientation), she assures me that she is 100% gay. She tells that being gay and ending our marriage is the last thing she wants and that if she could wish it away she would.
My real motivation for this post is to try to better understand my what my wife is going through and see if anybody in the SSN community has gone through a similar situation where a spouse comes to a surprising realization, mid-life, that they could be bisexual or, as it appears to be in my wife's case, completely gay. The SSN podcast (fantastic by the way) with Lisa Diamond was serendipitous to find (her book is on order). It was nice hear from a credible, well informed source that there are cases of women (her research focuses on women) who, much to their own surprise have their sexual orientation change. In wife's case, there was never a doubt during the course of her relationship, and her life as she says, that she thought that she might be. This realization seems to be as much of a surprise to as it is to her. It appears to be different than a lot of the case I have listened or read about where a spouse was hiding or confused about their
I know it is easy to doubt my wife's honesty with me. I would be lying to if I said that I haven't questioned it. But I guess you would have to know who my wife is and our relationship to understand that she, especially now, is trying to be as honest as she possibly can about our relationship.
So, please, if anybody out there has gone through something similar, I would appreciate hearing your story. It just helps me reconcile giving up a beautiful marriage/partnership (we have agreed to divorce). To those who doubt her honesty through our relationship, I am going to kindly ask that you keep those thoughts and opinions to yourself; I have enough of those comments to deal with already and they have not been helpful.
My heart goes out to all those on this forum searching for answers and guidance, just know you are not alone; as I am finding out.
❤
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Posted by lily June 4, 2020 2:05 pm | #2 |
HI STPB,
As someone said on another thread - you have to draw a new map. The landscape hasn't actually changed, reality remains stable but what the news has done is make you realise the map you have needs some major redrawing. It changes your past as well as your future.
Why is your map so different to reality? Inaccurate input is far and away the usual reason. Nothing wrong with your map-making skills but living with a bisexual believing they are straight in itself is false information - straight women are so different. So different.
It sounds like what your wife is going through is a love affair. It does seem to happen a lot in mid-life and it does change things with the hormones and emotions and the changes remain even if the affair breaks up. While she is saying she is gay rather than bisexual I would read that to mean she wants out. If she starts calling herself a bisexual again that means she wants to stay.
The hurt you feel is tremendous because that's what it is, it hurts a lot and there's no minimising it so look after yourself. and yes as the shock wears off it is better and you can feel normal again.
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Posted by SoTheProcessBegins June 4, 2020 2:22 pm | #3 |
Lily, thanks for your reply.
I agree with your comment, that "she wants out". I just wish she could admit to herself (we have talked about that) as opposed to trapping us in wonder. I guess time will be the only thing to elucidate the truth, whether is intentionally withheld or not.
Time to start redrawing my map I guess.
(((hugs)))
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Posted by lily June 4, 2020 3:37 pm | #4 |
thanks, hugs to you too.
there's this weird thing where the heart has to catch up to the head. and sometimes the head has to catch up to the heart. There was such good advice is that other thread - just start walking - take the step you can see in front of you and then you can see the next one to take.
And the other point JoeC made, your wife's had plenty of time to think about how to approach this, you have had none. To me, when she says this is a change of orientation, that has to be disingenuous, doesn't it.
The thing is, and I remember this well - if he would admit to things, if he would be straight with me then I would be able to resolve things and move on - but it never happens. We end up being able to change our maps so that we no longer expect them to do that, different to the way we imagined them to be. And the way I got there was by using time - setting deadlines to get a response. I can laugh about this now but I said to him you have three months to talk to me about this and when the three months was up I said to him ok I said three months and it's gone past now I am giving you another three months and he smiled. It worked for me though, I was keeping time, and when that second three months rolled by that was it for me. I no longer looked to him for reason, I knew I wouldn't get it. He wasn't a responsible adult able to respond in kind.
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Posted by walkbymyself June 16, 2020 8:44 am | #5 |
Lily, you make several really insightful points. I think your suggestion about using time is particularly good, because it's easy for us to get trapped into the "frog in boiling water" situation. I think the advantage of setting the timetable, is that in retrospect nobody can accuse you of depriving your spouse of the opportunity to come clean.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
