OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Leaving our ex partners and spouses behind us, can we do it?

**Posted by Strugglingat30** May 3, 2020 7:10 pm

Hey everyone. I have been on this board for a long time but havent decided to post until now. I noticed a theme with several people that respond to questions on this site. Not all though because I believe some people speak from the heart and are coming from a good place. Others though, have extreme negativity that shows in their answer. I saw a woman respond to a question posted by another woman who said she was having trouble moving on after leaving her GIDX. The person who replied basically said "you should be scared bc its probably happening to you again". Seeing that, I noticed a pattern of this happening from the same people. What worries me is this is support group for people that have experienced extreme betrayal but the hope with all support groups is people can feel that they are not alone and also feel stronger. I think it speaks louder to the fact that with people in support groups who believe "all men are gay" or "all women are secretly into lesbian porn" are going to hurt the overall population of this group. The overall population that wants to get better and move on someday. I remember feeling like I would read a couple comments that were great, and then one person would say something so off the wall that it just made me feel like it was a slap in the face. My question is, shouldnt this support group be about us getting stronger as people and moving on? Not about the obsession we have with our GIDX and why they are gay or why anyone is gay? We can ponder this of course, especially because we went through it, but will we grow if we seek out support and instead get the loud opinions of those who think they know everything?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 3, 2020 9:42 pm

Hey Struggling...for myself I'd rather have a range of views, opinions and advice than belong to a "Yes Forum"
The differing opinions...even the language used...only adds to the wide range of people posting here

Elle

**Posted by Whirligig** May 4, 2020 12:23 am

I found the boards helpful precisely because I could say and feel what I needed to say and feel. Many of us aren't even allowed to express negative feelings or even talk about this in our real lives. Bottling things up can make things harder to get over in my experience. 'Has' been my experience with this, actually. I haven't always agreed or liked certain responses but find it more helpful to leave those conversations if it gets too heated or tender for me.

I think if you're looking for something more tailored to your needs that a therapist or supportive friend are good options. It's probably best to have several supports in place if possible. Sometimes it's hard to see where our blind spots lie when someone is telling us what we want to hear though. Seems to me that once people get to a certain point of healing we just don't drop in as often. Everyone is different, however, so it might just not be a perfect fit for you at times. I'm glad it exists. I couldn't find anything else that didn't disregard my experience and force a narrative of how they were a 'stunning and brave' closeted victim of homophobia on me. I was very depressed. In part because I felt silenced and like I had to bury my pain and anger. This board helped me get through the worst of it. Hopefully you can find an approach that works for you too.

**Posted by Strugglingat30** May 4, 2020 2:13 am

Thanks for everyone’s replies! I do see this as a helpful outlet when you are struggling it’s just I feel like when anyone talks of moving on there are always voices yelling “look for these signs or they are gay!” Or “gay men who want to use you are everywhere and you should live in fear”. I think I just had hoped that this viewpoint didn’t exist bc it has kind of terrified me after all I went through. I want to move on but those words of people who have said things like that echo louder than anything for me. I guess it’s like when I see things like that I have to work harder to silence demons I am already working so hard to stop. Idk, I think I’m just scared. I trust people who went through this before and those opinions scare me.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 4, 2020 10:03 am

The Forum is a chocolate box full of different tastes and no one person will have the same way of processing what they're going through. There's no one correct pathway through this. What sits right with me and helps me get through this may not feel right for you but this Forum is like a reservoir of knowledge. We all take from it what feels right to us and use it to try to understand what is happening to us.
Apologies for mentioning Xmas in May.....but when the Christmas lights are a tangled mess it's better to UNtangle it with as many extra pairs of hands willing to help rather than try to figure it all out yourself

Elle

**Posted by phoenix** May 4, 2020 10:20 am

It's an accurate observation. There are many of us who were deeply injured and are still in a place where we can only output negativity toward our exes and those who have done the same as our exes did to us.

Perspective and peace and forgiveness and moving on come after healing and that all takes time. The thing is, most people come to this forum in the early crisis phase and then later as they heal they move on and visit less frequently. So the makeup of this forum tends to be more of the early stage people who are more likely to still be in pain and outlet that negativity.

**Posted by walkbymyself** May 22, 2020 11:22 am

I also think it's important to remember the distinction between the "general discussion" section and the "support" section. The "support" section would be an inappropriate place to come out and challenge people and if someone was posting "all men are secretly gay" or something I would kind of cut them some slack, and just assume they were blowing off steam. But in "general discussion" I think it's okay to come out with differing opinions, as long as they're respectfully stated.