we all live with regrets - it helps to remember that sometimes, I remember older people telling me as a young adult to do what I wanted so I didn't have any regrets but really we all get to miss opportunities that really hurt.  you are not alone in this.  It hurts, it is worth it to acknowledge the regret you feel, it is good to look forward and recognise that new chances will come your way.

your children are here and bring the love and happiness into your life that they do and you can still feel keenly the regret over a past love interest.  just the way it is.

wishing you lots and lots of good fortune.  Lily.

    I think regret has less to do with opportunities missed--as Lily says everyone has opportunities in the past we let pass--than it does with our current situation.  When we are uncertain of the future or unsure of our ability to make good decisions, both conditions that having married closeted/in denial spouses naturally give rise to, when we are, that is, grieving, we are likely at that time to feel regret.  It's part of the process.  That doesn't mean we will always be stuck in the regrets.  The trick, though, as you say, is how to get past them, to move confidently toward the future.

  These suggestions might sound useless and even ridiculous, but what I'm about to say has been backed up with research as contributing to happiness, and will help you combat your feelings of regret and even hopelessness:

1) To counter the feelings you have when you contemplate opportunities missed, make a list of everything you've done that has been the right move and that has taken effort and courage on your part, and consider what it took to do those things, what qualities you possess that enabled you to do them (aka "your competencies").  Start with leaving your GIDH.  That took enormous courage, a willingness to confront tradition and family, and it shows that you believe in a better future--it was an essentially optimistic act on your part.  An index of your positive qualities, your competencies, and strengths helps you "talk back to" and "reframe" the negative thoughts and messages that creep in ("talk back" and "reframe" are therapeutic techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy). 

2) every day, do something that gives you pleasure, no matter how small: take the time to sit and appreciate a cup of coffee/tea, take a walk, read a book alone or with your child, eat something you love, look at the stars, tend to a garden (even if it's a potted plant!)--tailor the list to your pleasures; only you know what feeds your soul.  Every day feed it.   

3) every day at the end of the day, write down three things you experienced that day for which you are grateful that day, big or small.  Someone's smile, a kind word, the clouds, a sunrise.  The rationale here is that you are training your outlook, and the research says it works. 

4) Make other lists.  What you don't miss about being with your GIDH.  What you can now do that you could't before. What your strengths and assets are.  The idea behind this one is that you begin to concretize your future, which can help you begin to see that future as something full of promise, so you won't stay mired in regret.  

 

There are some mindfulness apps that help you do what OOHC is recommending. I am using one called Moodspace but there are others. They offered it free during Covid. A notebook would work just as well but doesn't remind you to do it. Another technique I've used is to just recognize that we don't see the whole picture. As we all know, people project an image of how they want to be seen but it's not always true. It's what I remind myself of when I see relationships that make me think 'why not me?'. If it is true? Then that means it's possible for me to find happiness. It just might not look like their happiness. I hope you find something that works for you!

OJECPOMCO,

I hear you about the regrets..  I try not to think about it..  all the (straight) girls I could have gone out with.
The truth is I don't know if things would have turned out better with them..  I would bet though that  none could have been as mean and cruel as my GX.
What I try to do is think of the good times I with my GX ..when I think of the past...I don't want to erase it (like she does).    We gave true fierce love... and I wont look back and be ashamed of that.    If you look back it can boggle your mind with regret and become overwhelming..   But we did not do this.

The past is the past.    For moving on  I agree with the suggestions here..   Be kind to yourself and find things you like to do.. look back sure  but don't dwell there..find things in the present that you couldnt do before but can now.

Know that we can find something that is better than the past.   For myself I can sit on my deck with the sun on my face  and nobody screaming at me..

A kind e-hug..  

I tell myself that this is 100% NOT my fault. It is my GEX's fault. I am a good person and if I was not a good person the marriage would have ended for different reasons.

It is hard to not look at the past with regrets when we have a new lens for looking back. I don't regret the past, I can't rationally and objectively. Without the past I would not be here where I am, who I am at this point in life. Yes, there could have been a different path, but who is to say that that path would be any different, better or worse. I cannot change the past.

I look at the past for understanding, I live intentionally in the present and plan for the future. Yes, it is extremely hard many days (since its so new), but I have only one life to live and I need to make the best of my second half. I can choose to live or live in regret.

For me it is a mindset.......I work hard to find the ways to shift my mindset.