OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Cohabitating while divorcing

**Posted by MomOfFour** February 25, 2020 8:13 am

Is anyone stuck having to live in same house while divorcing, pending house sale? GIDH has shown very little emotion about demise of 29 year marriage, and we are outwardly pleasant enough but I know this is delaying my recovery. We are 14 months from disclosure, 9 months from any last attempt to reconcile. Adult children all acknowledge and accept imminent divorce. I feel like a prisoner of mortgage and, unlike him, have no family in area.
It is stunning to me how detached he is, and makes clear to me that he has never had the depth of feelings I had. We were together 34 years. I thought he was kindest guy in world, so did my family.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 25, 2020 10:05 am

I did not cohabit while divorcing. I moved out into first, a two month housesitting gig, and then into my own apartment (a lucky find).
Surely you are right that cohabiting impedes your recovery. As your spouse has family in the area, is it possible to ask him to move out to live with one of them? Or can you swing a small apartment on the expectation of the house selling?

**Posted by Davin** February 25, 2020 10:10 am

I had to go through months of co-habitating during the divorce process. We decided to split at Thanksgiving and my wife didn't want to move out until January at the earliest because she wanted to have a "normal" Christmas season with the family before getting her own place. It was anything but Normal!

Technically, we had been co-habitating for years separate but together we just hadn't made the decision to divorce yet.

**Posted by MomOfFour** February 25, 2020 10:23 am

Thanks for responses - I am, for the first time, realizing that I might need to find a way to swing a small sublet - even a studio size, just for space. I think this cohabitating is more deeply damaging to me than I realize - the financial sacrifice might be necessary. We are in a major metro area where housing costs are somewhat high for safe and desirable neighborhoods.
It is just so frustrating how everything has to accommodate TGT. I’m having a hard day today.

**Posted by Abby** February 25, 2020 10:47 am

My ex was the one who moved out and because of the mortgage meltdown in the U.S. we chose to not put the house on the market until the market turned around. I lived in the house and he paid the bills because he knew that we had plenty of equity and it was our major asset. We did not file to divorce even because we did not want buyers to know this was the reason rather than downsizing and moving closer to amenities.

We worked together and split the proceeds. Its sale gave both of us means to start our new lives and then we divorced. Think about what you want to happen and talk to your lawyer. try to get him on board if he can be rational and business-like. It helped that his attorney told him that I was not going to accept deeding the house over to me to sell and live off the proceeds but that I would want half of his pension.

If you move out he may drag his feet. See if through your attorney you can get a plan with a timetable in place, including responsibility for bills.

**Posted by MomOfFour** February 25, 2020 10:54 am

Thanks for good advice, Abby! I sent you a follow up message.

**Posted by walkbymyself** February 26, 2020 9:59 am

I tried to cohabit for a while, thinking the divorce would happen over just a few months. That turned out to be unrealistic, and at a point I just decided I really needed my own place. I have noticed my periods of utter despondency coincide with periods in which I need to deal with him, even on insignificant little things.

**Posted by Rob** February 26, 2020 11:43 pm

I did this..stayed in the same house during and after the divorce. I refer to it as my time in hell.

It's a toxic environment and not ideal for the kids especially if your stbx is raging at you. But it may be necessary for financial reasons.
There is a certain amount of leverage in the divorce also..ie you want me gone..sign the settlement.

Not for the faint of heart. I can offer lots of tips for enduring the silent treatment and a few on avoiding the rage.

We must go through the fire, through the flood.. to a land of great abundance..

It is a season, a valley..but we are not citizens of the (gay) valley..

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** February 27, 2020 7:18 am

So, I loved OOHC's comment about house sitting. There are house-sitting gig apps you can download and apply for. You may be able to find something in your area. Even if it is just for a week or so here and there. Anything to get you out of the house would help. I would think healing would be very hard while still living together.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 27, 2020 10:44 am

My house sitting job was for a colleague who was out of town, so it was word of mouth. If you don't want to go "professional," you might discover, as I did, that if you put the word out among friends that you're available, they'll spread the word, too. I got offers from people I didn't know who knew people I did know--and couldn't actually take all the offers on. I never charged, nor did I pay anything (like utilities).