OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / "It's too late"

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 16, 2020 1:27 pm

"Tell me how I can be more empathetic"
"it's too late, you broke the one thing that made our togetherness successful...my trust"

There was much more that was said before this but last night I could hold it in no longer, and when he said that it made sense for him to move out, and me to stay in the apartment....I said " but that just keeps me tied to you! "

It's been 3 years. I reckon I gave it all I have to try to fit myself back into and be comfortable in the easy companionship our 35 years had developed into. If it wasn't for the 5% of him that wanted other things the 95% of Us may not have been tarnished

I no longer belong on the MOM board

Elle

**Posted by Rob** February 17, 2020 8:39 am

Yes..our marriages and friendships were built on trust..fierce trust.

When they broke that it leaves this paranoia..it made me shake and question reality. To me,it was malevolent and evil.

I surround myself now with honest people..they say what they mean and mean what they say.

**Posted by walkbymyself** February 17, 2020 10:53 am

I felt like I didn't belong on the MOM board because in my marriage, I was the only one who was actually married.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 18, 2020 1:37 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
I felt like I didn't belong on the MOM board because in my marriage, I was the only one who was actually married.

It was finally saying "I don't want you (sexually) anymore" that allowed me space to process my situation.

To tick off another box to qualify for financial support I wrote and signed "I am no longer in a relationship with XXXX"
This is new, scary and changes, ultimately,who I am, to myself and others. But I am seeing it as day by day, step by step

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 19, 2020 1:23 pm

I know the life I lead.....my world as I know it....has to change. And I'm having to call on a reserve of strength I didn't realise I would have to call on.

Every morning I put on my "Everything's okay" face, for the friends and family who have no idea what it happening or what I'm planning...
.....but I'm waiting for the day I don't have to wear a mask, and slightly worried I'll become somebody else I won't recognise

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 23, 2020 12:45 pm

I feel so empty. The one person I could rely on to put his arms around me.....I won't allow to touch me. And this allows him to stand back and appear not to give a damn. Cold bastard.

I hate that this has happened. I'm going to be alone....my family doesn't realise how important my connection with them is, and my fear of being alone, but I can't tell them because if I do this will all come out into the open and I'm not ready for that finality yet.

Thanks for listening/reading. I was woken at 4am by workers putting up scaffolding....with an irate email sent to the local council..but afterwards my thoughts turned inevitably to the hopelessness of my current situation. Wanting out yet being in a holding pattern.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 23, 2020 2:15 pm

"My advice to you—breathe in, breathe deep, feel all of it, cry it out, laugh it out, embrace every single feeling. One day it all starts to feel normal again, and one day your heart will be open. You cannot wish it away no matter how hard you try. Setbacks are part of the process. Allow yourself the space to feel horribly sad and then pick up and keep going. It doesn’t matter what direction you are going in, just move." ~Margaret Christy

" You cannot wish it away no matter how hard you try "

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 23, 2020 2:16 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 24, 2020 12:47 pm

More than ever now I see & feel a clear and hurtful detachment of our situation on the part of the man I'm living with. I look back to times when we would argue, and it was invariably me who made the first move to amend/apologise. This time however...when I said "I don't want you....I don't want anybody" and he stormed off to sleep in the lounge....I do believe he was waiting for me to give in and ask him back. I didn't, and except for one night when he asked "have you not even thought of my needs (sexual)" he has done NOTHING. Seems to accept it, which to me is crazy but is, inevitably, making it easier to separate myself from everything we've shared

**Posted by Rob** February 24, 2020 1:57 pm

Ellexoh,

Please reach out to your family..they are there to support you...a family,should if they are any good.

My gx discarded me and stopped all physical contact while she was cheating..it was bizarre ..trying to hide an affair but at the same time distancing herself. As I accepted and detached her anger grew more and more. Like you i was always the one to apologize but this time i could find nothing to apologize for. Its amazing how they expect us to apologize,and empathize with a situation that they created..like they are Gods or something.

Dettaching and distancing yourself is necessary..its necessary for safety and sanity. It looks similar to but is not us rejecting them. It is a natural reaponse to being hurt. Its hard for us empaths to do but it is necessary. There's no need to argue..no need to yell.

Stand your ground, reach out to your family. Know that this is not something you created..

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 24, 2020 2:12 pm

Rob wrote:
.....Stand your ground, reach out to your family. Know that this is not something you created..

It's not really the reaching out to my family that's the issue. Well....yes, it is I suppose but I've not mentioned it to our son & daughter for a while (and they no doubt think everything's fine) and I want to wait til I have all my ducks in a row so to speak before I tell them.

My daughter sent me a picture of the wedding gown she's chosen and I just cried and cried. I know this is MY life, MY choices but I wish to get my timing right so to cause the least upset....for everybody else