You just described the last 40 days of my "life" (except for avoiding the topic in thought and word, I can't stop myself from thinking about it and it is all I want to talk to my spouse about. Well, want is the wrong word. It is more like the want you have when you need to throw up blood.)

Last edited by UserNada (February 18, 2020 9:49 pm)

• Emotional instability, including frequent mood shifts, over-the-top emotional reactions, tearfulness, rage, etc., sometimes followed by feelings of intense love and a desire to “make it work.”
• Hypervigilant behaviors (detective work), such as checking phone and credit card bills, wallets, computers, phone apps, texts, and the like for evidence of continued infidelity.
• Anxiety, depression, loss of self-esteem, and other mood-related symptoms.
• Being easily triggered into mistrust of the cheating partner; common triggers included the cheater coming home five minutes late, turning off the computer too quickly, looking “too long” at an attractive person, etc.
• Going on the attack by “lawyering up,” spending money to punish the addict, telling the kids age-inappropriate information about what the addict did, etc.
• Sleeplessness, inability to wake up, and/or nightmares.
• Difficulty focusing on day-to-day events, such as picking the kids up from school, work projects, maintaining a home, etc.
• Overcompensating by trying to lose weight, dressing provocatively, etc.
• Obsessing about the betrayal and struggling to stay “in the moment.”
• Avoiding thinking about or discussing the betrayal.
• Emotionally escapist use of alcohol, drugs, food, spending, gambling, etc.

I think I definitely have the over the top emotional over reactions but not only towards just his behaviors or actions. But, his behviors and actions are what causes me to have worn out nerves with regards to other situations causing poor reactions 

Hypervigilant definitely tend to do my own detective work. Started out with looking at the verizon phone log but then told him to change his password because i knew it wasnt good for me but I constantly look at the pages of the "chicks" that he hangs out with all the time since knowing "she" posts photos on fb of him and "her" at the gay bar. i check out the amazon account which I found him sending gifts to people who he met online

anxiety depression and loss of self esteem - it is hard when you find yourself losing the sense of self you have and that that the only thing that separates you from him is your vagina anymore

I think I just assume he is out with other "chicks" so i dont get upset with mistrust because that is a normal anymore 

i dont tell my daughter inappropriate things my spouse does but he has told her some age inappropriate information about why he is the way he is or how he feels like a girl 

sleeplessness - i was finally getting off the ambien that I was on. Weaning down to half the smallest dosage but once this shit storm happened that all blew out of the water 

difficulty focusing - I definitely have to FORCE myself to do things. I use to enjoy reading and now i just cant concentrate long enough to get into a book. It is hard to get through work. I find writing down each tiny thing i have to do all day helps but its annoying

overcompensating - i never wore makeup but now i wear it more because he does and i feel like less of a woman because I dont. I fantasize about being able to get a boob job so I am bigger than he is. I am jealous of his spending money on new clothing and boots and jewlery when i never did that for myself 

definitely a stress eater now 

so i guess i have ptsd?
 

Betrayal Trauma and C-PTSD are real. However, as I understand it, it is just starting to gain legitimacy in the mental health community. Many, like Robert Weiss whose website is linked above, feel that although we display all the symptoms of trauma, they pull up short of actually saying it IS trauma that we are experiencing, and they feel that one day we should be able to "get over it." That is why finding a good therapist who understands and will say this is trauma is so important. 
A good therapist will also understand that our particular brand of trauma may look like co-dependency but that is the trauma response not what we are - if that makes sense.
And unfortunately, there really isn't a "cure." We can learn to recognize it and learn to deal with it, but it will always be there. Some triggers may lessen with time as well. Other things can come out of the blue and just knock you off your feet too though.

I have not had a major trigger in probably 5 or 6 months. Just last week or so though....BAM!!! I am doing some home renovations and I felt as though nobody was taking my wants and needs into consideration even though it is my house. Plans and blueprints were just being arbitrarily changed and when I would say something, these men would get upset and say that this was the first they were hearing that I wanted this or that. My reaction was over the top. Way more dramatic and angry than it should have been. I pulled up the texts I had sent with this information on it and shoved my phone in front of their faces and said a few choice words very loudly. Even as I was doing it, I knew it was an inappropriate response, but I just couldn't help myself. I replayed it over and over in my head. I would be driving and miss my turn or something like that. The brain fog had returned I wasn't sleeping and couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was that incident.  Later, it dawned on me. My ex used to do this same thing to me. He would swear I didn't tell him about plans (or whatever) when I knew I had and get angry with me because now he was finding out last minute. It always had me walking on eggshells and made me start to doubt myself. Did I tell him or did I just make up that scene in my mind? So, something completely unrelated to my ex still triggered me after months of no major triggers at all. The good news though, is that once I recognized it for what it was I was able to use the techniques I had learned to deal with it and let it go and get back to my life.

It is also important to note that not everyone in our position experiences trauma. If you are though (or suspect you are), please find someone who understands betrayal trauma. Until you can process everything that has happened, you could remain "stuck" where you are. Processing those experiences though and moving them to a place where they no longer hurt you is a big part of healing.

I wish you well.

Thanks for posting these websites, MJM017.  THey look like they could be helpful.