I am a woman who just turned 30. It’s very hypocritical of me and I am probably one of the reasons for toxic masculinity (without intending to be) but I do watch lesbian porn and I have no interest (100% no interest) in being with a woman. I don’t find vaginas to be anything I want to be around. I do however, like that lesbian porn can be more sensual and about the woman’s pleasure. However the idea of a man looking at gay porn freaks me out. I know this is a double standard but I’m being truthful. I think my whole life I believed that men were just chasing women around and I always felt like I was desired and then when my GIDX Of 6 years was on Grindr I kind of went on this tailspin and realized maybe I was wrong about that. When I describe my ex to people they genuinely believe he was bisexual bc he initiated sex with me all the time and always seemed very into it. IMO this is hard for me to accept. I consider myself a straight woman (despite the porn) and I don’t understand bisexuality. I hope I don’t get crucified for my comment. I’m only being honest!

Feelinglost wrote:

I am a woman who just turned 30. It’s very hypocritical of me and I am probably one of the reasons for toxic masculinity (without intending to be) but I do watch lesbian porn and I have no interest (100% no interest) in being with a woman. I don’t find vaginas to be anything I want to be around. I do however, like that lesbian porn can be more sensual and about the woman’s pleasure.

A lot of introspection may be in order here. These were the excuses my wife made as well, both to me and herself, along with others, until she recognized her bisexuality. So, I suspect that your take doesn't fully describe your case. For example, I would be very surprised if there isn't even a single woman in film that, say, you don't merely "admire" for their beauty, but actually find sexy to you and get excited to see with a little less clothing on in a film.

The fact that you don't want to or feel uncomfortable with the thought of doing some of the things you see in the porn would be, if I had to guess, a question of context, risk assessment, self-image preservation, shyness, and a number of other valid and common reasons that everybody basically has for not living out their porn fantasies. If I enjoyed watching gay men porn, I would be participating in the fantasy of it happily. If I had the real life option, though? I think the concern for STDs, pain, trust, confidentiality, reputation, recognizing these people as actual persons, cleanliness, emotional bonding, ego, jealousy, relationship fallout, and a thousand other brakes would stop me - brakes which I don't have to worry about in a fantasy land (either in my own mind or the fantasy produced by the pornographers). Still, to say "I have 100% no interest in sex with men" would be simply wrong if I got off on it without the real world implications.  I would just have 100% no interest in actually doing it in the real world, where things are complicated. 

For the record, I have no interest in either arousal fantasy or real world gay sex, which is why I chose it as an example. In fact, I actually lose all sexual drive and physical arousal if a gay porn clip comes on. Personally, I think that does indicate something which distinguishes me as being less sexually attracted to men than another man who seeks it out for sexual pleasure.

That's just my take. I expect fantasies, physical arousal, cognitive arousal, behavior, and named identity to all align, otherwise it seems like some sort of dissonance.

Last edited by UserNada (February 3, 2020 9:43 am)

Feelinglost,
I'm the same way!  I watch lesbian porn well all kinds but not attracted to women what so ever. 

I agree Anon, straight is straight.

If you aren't straight you don't know what it's like to be straight.

I know none of us are genetic scientists but we are quite happy to acknowledge that we get everything else from our parents - hair colour, eye colour, body shape, habits quirks failings talents - so I think the closet is inherited from a parent along with being on the non-straight spectrum.

I know that was the case with my ex - it's a whole way of life.  His father once said it was like shooting fish in a barrel - I was no fun because I was too easy to fool.



 

Last edited by lily (October 8, 2023 5:13 pm)

In terms of black and white - let's not forget that shades of grey are all made up of black and white.  Let's not forget our brains are made in two hemispheres that would literally fall apart if our skull didn't keep them along side each other - they are only attached at the brain stem.

And let's not forget that miracle of modern science the computer was originally based on binary - yes or no, 1 or 0.  Just because a program does complex things it's still a lot of ones and zeros.  Don't know if it is still like that, I am old enough to remember the rooms full of punch cards.  1 or 0.

Who invented it - we did, with our binary brains.

Put enough ones and zeros together in one program and it will be a complex and unique shade of grey.

As I understand it, there's some solid science to suggest that at inception the embryo is a unique creation that comes exactly half half from the parents - the sperm and the egg are different sizes the roles of parenthood are very different but there is equality in supply of genetic material.

Fascinates me, that, there's something rather beautiful in my imagination of how it takes place - one gene then the other like a dance unfolding.  And there it is, shade of grey no. x zillion.  Is it a he or a she?

The sense I make of it all is that orientation is going to be a basic building block in the formation of that embryo.  

And like the poets have said sexual attraction is magnetic. it's one or the other, put the ends together and it's stick together or pushed away.

My experience bears this out - the way my mother put it is he will neither accept you nor let you go.  And I was so grateful to her for putting it into words - that underlying sense that he was pushing me away and his overt refusal to let me go.

So I think there's also science to show that what we experience in our lives changes us and that changes the genetic inheritance we give - if you develop antibodies to cope with an infection, it becomes part of what your next child could inherit from you.

In the same way I think living in the closet develops a genetic inheritance - just like caring about cows, or my chickens who are a happy bunch and I am sad along with them because our much loved companion Halfbeak has died, I've just buried her in the compost.  Or there's growing potatoes.  I dunno, I think there's a lot of stuff we know what to do, it is inherited behaviour.

I will add it seems to me there is a time and a season - when I was in my 30s and 40s I spent a lot of time thinking about the effects of my upbringing but much less so now.  The horrible thing is looking back I can see how easy it was for my ex to make me think everything was my fault because I felt sensitive over my difficult father.







 

Last edited by lily (October 9, 2023 12:53 am)