OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / As the days go by

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** January 24, 2020 11:50 am

As the days go by you would think that things would become easier because of the fact that you have created a new normal but they do not get any easier.
As the days go by you create new things to keep you busy to mask the part of your life that you cannot change. But, it never manages to fill the void. There are not enough committees, charities, meetings, conference calls to change the fact that your husband has breasts, tight yoga pants, diamond earrings, and makeup
When someone who is an aquaintance, though you see here and there, stares at you intensely and asks if you are spreading yourself too thin and you find this odd connection or need to touch them because it has been THAT long that someone whose a man shows any attention to you
When you can attend the viewing of a 22 year old who was killed in a car crash by a drunk driver and you dont cry because you have become numb from everything else going on
You dont have a way to control when the inevitable happens and everyone who I am desperately trying to keep from knowing about my husband finds out so each day is like an is this the day today day because I dont wear my wedding rings any more so I am sure there is some thoughts surrounding that. Everything that I worked so hard for in my political life, be that as it may is minute in the large picture for me I feel like I have made strides. I took a step backward when My friend my best friend died in 2017 from a heroin overdose but now another thing that is nothing to do with me is going to ruin everything
I feel jaded, broken, damaged, I dont trust guys anymore. My best friend says i need a guy friend but i know guys want sex and I know this sounds ridiculous but I dont even know if i know what to do with that anymore. I second guess If i ever was in love with my husband to begin with. My entire life, the last 40 years anymore is a blur. I have guys who are willing to have FWB with me but I cant just do that right now. Maybe if i had an ounce of confidence about myself I could but I just do not have that.

**Posted by Rob** January 25, 2020 9:42 am

SS,

So sorry..as bad as you feel i dont think all guys want sex.
It sounds like you must be very attractive. I can assure you when I was dating or chatting online it was not for sex.

Dont feel broken..alone time is good..when your ready the perfect man may be worthy of your company.

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** January 25, 2020 12:58 pm

It is hard to answer the attractiveness notion because right now I do not feel attractive despite what others may say. The sex thing is just because the people who are in my life right now who are guys behave in a way that makes me feel that is what they want and or that is exactly what they ask for. Some of the opinion is based on just my history with guys and what they wanted and it wasnt a platonic relationship

**Posted by lily** January 25, 2020 2:42 pm

The thing I have done is take my courage in both hands and dress to look good. Getting a few admiring responses helps me recover the sense of being attractive even while I know it's not going to go any further.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 25, 2020 4:03 pm

StraightSpouse1979 wrote:

You dont have a way to control when the inevitable happens and everyone who I am desperately trying to keep from knowing about my husband finds out so each day is like an is this the day today day because I dont wear my wedding rings any more so I am sure there is some thoughts surrounding that.

There's a switch in your mind that has to be turned...and when that happens you'll know you're going to welcome the inevitable, not dread it. The inevitable will become your strength, not a weakness
Elle

**Posted by Abby** January 25, 2020 4:15 pm

Until you have gotten out of the woods with your current husband I suggest that you not go into the woods with another man, no matter how tempting. I totally get the desire but it just makes life too complicated.

Your husband is going to continue doing what he's doing and as it becomes obvious to others I'd think that your political friends would not hold a divorce against you under the circumstances. Hillary Clinton probably lost support by staying with Bill and she would have gained by leaving him over his behavior.

What could be more damaging for you personally and politically is if his new persona makes headlines via a date gone wrong. He may be flaunting his new body in very risky places. You can't control what he does but you can try to untangle yourself from the relationship so you don't see him as a reflection on you.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 25, 2020 4:25 pm

Abby wrote:
...... You can't control what he does but you can try to untangle yourself from the relationship so you don't see him as a reflection on you.......

This

**Posted by Duped** January 25, 2020 5:42 pm

S.S. Why are you staying? Let me tell you that a life without this is just a million miles better.

Stop tying your happiness up with your “husband” or “other guys”. You have to start to create your own life where YOU treat yourself well, where YOU are your best ally and gain a whole lot of strength within yourself before even considering guys.

Please please look at your options of getting away before this destroys you.

Life is truly wonderful once you’re out the other side.

**Posted by Davin** January 27, 2020 11:22 am

You have to decide for yourself what you need in life. Life is too short to waste your precious time on someone who can never fulfill your needs. I'm guessing you have never desired to be with a man who has breasts and wears yoga pants? You don't need to be a part of that in any way shape or form!

What is important to you? What do you need to fulfill your needs and desires?

For me, I'm taking this time to focus on myself for awhile. I'm setting out to be the best version of me I can be each and every day. I'm eating smart, exercising 6 days a week, working on home improvements, and spending a lot of time with my children. I'm trying to ratchet the bar up of my expectations for myself daily. This helps me keep a positive attitude and focusing on the present and future as opposed to looking in my past.

I'm not ready to date yet. I'm going to let that happen when it happens naturally. I do enjoy getting some attention from ladies that I've not had in a very long time. The other day a very attractive lady asked me for my phone number. I haven't heard from her yet, but I took it as a compliment and it brightened up my day for sure!

I was married for a long time, so now I am trying to re-establish my identity as an individual. For years I was either my kids' dad or identified as a couple with my wife. Now I'm having to figure out who I am as an individual again. Take some time to figure out who you are. Take up some new hobbies, expand your circle of friends and business networks, etc.

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** February 2, 2020 6:49 pm

I basically stay because I cannot afford to be on my own. I work part time and my hourly wage is low so i only bring in about 925 dollars a month A divorce retainer is about 3000-5000 and if we agree to terms with a mediator that would be much less of course but he is not very accomodating. I pray that he realizes that its not fair to me and that he choose this lifestyle and because of that he should at the very least TRY to help ME get out on my own for the sake of my sanity and his daughters wellbeing but he just wants me to stay here trapped despite what he says.

I think I need to make small changes. Get my own checking account and only my money in there and pay for what i can afford as he suggested just the groceries and the sewer bill. If i can manage to budget and shop smarter, i can get those bills down. I did see an attorney and he basically said I should have run A LONG TIME AGO and that mediation would be the most financially ideal and that he cannot see even in a liberal state that i live in someone who has lied to me for 20 years can be favored too much. I just want 50/50 custody and some child support help and alimony if i qualify. I would prefer to keep this home but i know that it would be impossible to afford it but the mortgage is about the same as rent so it isnt too outlandish its just more work to deal with a home than an aparment where other people take care of the property.

Maybe the checking account would be the best first step to separating myself from him. But get in writing those are my bills to pay so if i make over that I can save some money

He already opened a new account but wont take his name off this one or move money from this one half of it into his new one or change the bills to this new account. I think he is hiding money from me because he tells me he doesnt have money to pay for this place on his own either nor child support but i have seen checks from his clients and they are much more than I think he has said he makes but it could be many weeks at a time I am not sure.

I just wish he would try a little more to help me leave not tie my hands in staying