My then husband (now ex) began cross dressing in his mid 50s, in secret (without telling me, that is).  After several years of it, he decided he was "a woman in a man's body," and told me he was planning to transition and live as if he were a woman.   Eventually he decided to stay in the closet and act out his desire to be a woman only at home.  I, too, had never had a whiff or a hint of this desire of his.

My ex, too, said he would limit his cross dressing, and even proposed the boundaries himself.  He never adhered to them, breaking the boundaries and manipulating me into accepting the next move--from in the bedroom, wearing women's lingerie during sex, to in the bedroom sleeping in women's nightwear, to out of the bedroom to the living room in the morning in women's lounge clothes, to as soon as he came home from work, etc etc etc.  

  After three years of trying to accommodate him, I moved out and got a divorce.  We'd been married 35 years.
  
 Once they manifest the desire, it never goes away.  They don't stop, although they may engage in a binge and purge cycle. 

  I, too, engaged in the hope that he would "get over it" or that it was some mid-life crisis or a manifestation of childhood trauma (his mother was an alcoholic who regularly sat him down and drunkenly berated him for being male).  They don't "get over it" and more therapy is not going to "cure" him (by the way, the initial therapist who said "it's normal" for men to cross dress?  Hooey) .  It's more likely that your husband has felt these pressures in some form or other his entire life even if he had no language to explain them to himself, and now in this atmosphere of the mainstreaming of drag has fastened on that and decided to act on them.  It's not "a phase," despite what the person "close to" your husband says (and wouldn't you say as his wife that YOU are closer to your husband and know him better?).  It's been going on two years (that you know of); this was something I had to accept about my husband, too--the longer it went on the harder it got for me to maintain the hope that it was "a phase" or a "mid-life crisis."  

  That your husband has acted out as he has without telling you and has told you he can't give it up (despite saying he will) is your best indicator of his future actions and the worth of his promises to you.  Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.  He is not only a cross dresser but an exhibitionist, and he has found in drag a socially accepted foot in the door.  A devotion to drag and attending Pride Parades does not a "hobby" make.

What you told him--that you love him but that you can't stay married to him?  Please act on that.  It will save you a lot of heart break in the future.  At the very least, your husband has some serious issues to work out, and they are not something you can help him with; he has to work them out for himself, and as long as you are on the scene, he will pull you into his drama.  If he's like my husband, he wants to stay married because he wants both the stability you and your marriage provide, but he also wants the excitement of his cross-dressing life and alter ego.  That's a pattern not limited to crossdressers and transgendered men, as other straight spouses here can attest.

PM me if you like. 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 9, 2020 12:14 pm)

I PM'd you.  Check your in box.

There's nothing new in my inbox.  I checked yesterday and just now.   If you've made three posts (which I see you have) you might want to try again.  Or just post here if your message doesn't have personal information that you worry about being seen.