OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My Bisexual Girlfriend

**Posted by Daniel27936** October 15, 2019 8:58 am

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about two years now. We're in a happy stable relationship that we both hope will go on for many years to come. At the beginning of our relationship she did inform me about previous relationships she had had with women, but said that was just an exploration of sexuality, as happens at uni, and that now she is pretty sure she is straight.
A few days ago, she told me that she now realises she is bisexual. I love her but I don't know how best to support her in this knowledge, being a straight cis male myself I have limited contact with the LGBT community. Any advice?

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** October 15, 2019 9:49 am

I’ll write more later, but based on my experience, I speculate she is gay, afraid of it for a host of reasons, and will take you back in the closet with her. You can read my story in our stories, but you can save yourself a lot of uncertainty and pain if you don’t get seriously involved with someone who is questioning or claims to be bisexual, if your aim is a monogamous heterosexual long term relshp or marriage and especially family.

My ex was questioning when I met her, claimed some ‘experimentation’, but assured me she was straight, and she love bombed me acting straight taking me into her closet, and came out of the closet 25 years later after several unresolved bouts of depression, with 2 young children, tearing up my family.

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (October 15, 2019 10:50 am)

**Posted by Daniel27936** October 15, 2019 11:32 am

She has had boyfriends before, and the sexual side of the relationship is more or less the same as with other women. I do trust her, and if she says she's bisexual I believe her. If she is a lesbian I would be totally devastated but I would support her in it. She's told me that this won't hurt our relationship at all and that she still loves me, and I do love her. Basically I trust her.

**Posted by lily** October 15, 2019 11:46 am

Hi Daniel,

when a straight comes here calling themselves cis I go uh oh, someone is messing with their head.

there is no need to add the label of cis (comfortable in skin) to being straight - we're all cis. We don't want to change gender or anything at all, we're all set to go as we are - being attracted to the opposite sex is entirely compatible with having children, there is no inner conflict. we don't know how lucky we are.

There are lots of stories of bisexual women coming out as gay when they are older but I have heard of none where it goes the other way and they come out as straight.

When she tells you she is bisexual believe her. But think for a minute about what that means she is not telling you. About the feelings she is not sharing with you.

I have sat and listened to a young bisexual woman describe to me how much fun it is to play with the attraction of a man until she has him wrapped round her little finger and is leading him around, getting him to do what she wants. And no thought at all about what she is doing to him. I have seen another one wave off her girlfriend after a whole weekend together and a couple of hours later her boyfriend arrives and she is not flustered at all.

So from what you describe it sounds like when she comes and says she has realised she is bisexual what she is not telling is probably that she has met a woman she fancies. And my advice is to run for the hills - a straight needs a straight.

Wishing you all the best, Lily

**Posted by lily** October 15, 2019 11:52 am

ah, I see you've posted more while I was writing my reply. Yes it is devastating. So sorry. Hurts awesomely badly - but better to bite the bullet sooner than later imo. Someone who can love you back will cherish your love and trust. Look after yourself.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** October 15, 2019 1:10 pm

Two questions for you to ask yourself.
Has she ever been in love with a man ( not just boyfriends)? My ex dated guys but she never spoke of a broken heart the way other women I dated did. That is telling.

Also, Does she trust herself?

ADSJ

**Posted by Clif** October 15, 2019 2:25 pm

Hi Daniel,
I was married to a very catholic str8 woman for 27 years. Or so I thought. Now she is married to a woman.
Be careful is my only advice. How will you feel later if she has "a date" with a woman?
Would you be okay with that? If you would eventually say "her or me?" would you be prepared for the wrong answer?

Food for thought.
clif

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** October 15, 2019 2:58 pm

Interesting note on the religious thread. The more my ex struggled with denial the more she pursued conservative churches. When she came out she was attending the most conservative homophonic evangelical church in our community. I guess that wound the spring pretty tight because it was an explosion when she came out.

ADSJ

**Posted by Whirligig** October 15, 2019 3:34 pm

The back and forth she's having doesn't really bode well from some of the experiences people have had here. People who are confused about this stuff take their partners on a wild ride but the one who suffers whiplash when it stops is usually the straight.

If you are determined to move forward, you need to look at this in terms of risk. You're taking on a lot. Not knowing her it's possible you'd have a great and long-lasting relationship...but you could also end up emotionally devastated because she decides she's gay when you have kids and a mortgage. Your risks with a purely straight woman are going to be less but you get to make that decision. Can you accept the consequences of that?

You need to be honest about possible outcomes besides the one you hope for and whether you can live with them if they happen. Okay if she asks for an open relationship? Or not? Divorce because she changes her mind about her orientation? Or not? Kids? Financials? All stuff you need to consider. Don't give yourself the 'I want her to be happy' pass. It doesn't help you make a good decision. No one wants the person they love to be miserable. That doesn't mean you should sacrifice yourself. If after considering all of this, you go ahead with it, then by all means it might possibly work. We'd be remiss though if we weren't honest about how this often works out. Good luck!