OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Coming Out

**Posted by Clif** October 11, 2019 12:26 pm

She was so worried about coming out to mom and dad.
She touched on plenty of different issues except one...
How about her husband?

https://www.cnn.com/2019/10/10/opinions/national-coming-out-day-raney/index.html

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** October 11, 2019 12:46 pm

She didn’t even use the word husband. She said she ‘was still married to a man’ when she came out. Isn’t that subtly harsh for a professional writer? I think that sums up so much. Is that how the GID spouse views their beard even before they come out to themselves. We are an object, not a partner?

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (October 11, 2019 12:49 pm)

**Posted by Lyonene** October 11, 2019 1:30 pm

"A man". No identity, just "a man".

My head is swirling with terms. Self-consumed, narcissistic, completely devoid of empathy to name a few.

What's hilarious about this is if this woman was straight and breaking her family for another man and this was her demeanor, everyone reading it would be muttering under their breath "cluster B personality disorder" and feeling she needed therapy.

The coming out party obliterates the common expectations we have for human beings.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** October 11, 2019 3:55 pm

I know enough gay people in their fifties who did not marry straight to conclude that GID spouses do have a personality disorder that has narcissistic traits and a lack of empathy. An empathetic person is not capable of stealing another’s life. Period. Before my ex came out I found myself often thinking a fish had more empathy than her. Harsh and perhaps cruel to say but it was true and still is.

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (October 11, 2019 5:27 pm)

**Posted by Abby** October 11, 2019 5:19 pm

Today - October 11th - is "National Coming Out Day". Maybe the following day - October 12th - should be designated as "National Up-ended Day", a day for straight partners and spouses to focus on themselves.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 11, 2019 9:29 pm

What a great idea!

Now how does one go about getting/having a day named after a particular group of people?

**Posted by Julian_Stone** October 12, 2019 12:17 am

I wonder how many of us would have even registered the cruelty of the "still married to a man" line before we became (or were "outed" as, rather) straight spouses. How many of us would have thought about the invisible husband who had his whole world turned upside down?

Last edited by Julian_Stone (October 12, 2019 6:38 am)

**Posted by lily** October 12, 2019 1:52 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
I wonder how many of us would have even registered the cruelty of the "still married to a man" line before we became (or were "outed" as, rather) straight spouses. How many of us would have thought about the invisible husband who had his whole world turned upside down?

yes, we would not have known just how painful it is but I do have a vague memory of seeing a story about a woman coming out and thinking sympathetically oh I wonder how the husband is feeling behind that stoic front.

And when it was my turn to step out of the shadows of the closet walls my closest friend instinctively gave me a hug - she didn't know how painful it was but she had a sympathetic reaction. Until she spoke to my ex and then she gave that sympathy to him.

The closet rules. Yes the writer of that article has shown us her 'object to be manipulated for my use' attitude to her husband, and to her child too it seems to me, but it is not so surprising she is focused on her family's reactions - she is likely to have grown up in a family that protects the closet like an unwritten iron rule.

In one short article, she states she is gay in the same way her eye colour is inherited but also says her parents have nothing to do with her being gay.

**Posted by lily** October 12, 2019 2:12 pm

and I'd just like to add re the coming out party - absolutely. it's so annoying. I don't see it as taking down the closet walls so much as extending their shadow - now we are supposed to believe a man should be happy married to a bisexual lesbian.

we all know that's not so. it is all wrong and hurts like wearing an ill-fitting shoe - at first it just isn't quite as comfortable as you hoped, then it starts to hurt a bit or a lot but you're going to keep walking in them because they're yours you paid for them and they still look so very good. By the time you get to a blister on a blister it's really unbearable.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 12, 2019 6:39 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
.............How many of us would have thought about the invisible husband who had his whole world turned upside down?

My partners brother's first wife left him when she came out years ago. The brother would be the perfect confidante,
someone with personal awareness of exactly what I'm going through. However I won't say a word because he's not my brother and I don't want to upset my equilibrium by adding that aspect to the Mindfuck