OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Has anyone ever been wrong?

**Posted by Expecto86** October 9, 2019 10:46 am

I have struggled so much lately and I'm constantly afraid that I am wrong. I'm sure many of you here and thought the same. Maybe we just want to think we are wrong.
My husband is begging me to come home. He's swearing he is telling the truth and that he would never do anything to hurt me. He swears we can work through this and we can fix everything.
It's messing with my head so much. I miss my home. I miss him. I miss the life we planned to have together. We just bought our first home and it was everything we ever dreamed of. It was perfect.
I'm still so devastated.
Has anyone ever been wrong? Or do you know of anyone who has ever been wrong?
I know I'm just grasping at straws here....

**Posted by Lyonene** October 9, 2019 12:18 pm

Hi Expect,

I had to go back and search your posts to answer this.

First - you aren't wrong. You're upset you don't have a genuine life. No physical affection, no sex, no intimacy. Now add that he lives a secret sex life he hides from you on his comp/phone. There's potentially more than his comp/phone, but let's just go with what we know.

Was it ever your goal to live a life devoid of love, sex and intimacy? Was it ever your aim to hook yourself to a man carrying on sexual relationships with electronic items? Did you get married so you could have a roommate?

Your answers are likely no. When your answers are no, are you wrong? You aren't wrong. You're unhappy and unfulfilled.

Porn addiction is a thing. Sex addiction is a thing. Some find them confusing and controversial, but I've spent years researching them (to the point of now compiling a book). Could he be? Sure. Does it matter? No. It shakes out the same. Lies, denial, double life, fantasy world, selfish, narcissistic, abuse, gaslighting, secrecy, escalation, acting out.

The bottom line is you are unhappy. Regardless of reason.
You're not wrong there.

Best to you.

Last edited by Lyonene (October 9, 2019 12:19 pm)

**Posted by Whirligig** October 9, 2019 6:54 pm

I'm so sorry it's so tough right now. It's not that you're wrong, but that you want to be wrong. You want to be able to forget and have the life you thought you had. And that's tough. You still have feelings for him and that's also normal. But you already know how this ends for most people. Your decisions are yours to make but it won't change what you already know and what he can't face. Is that what you want for your future? It won't go away. I think you deserve more than that but I know how hard it is to give up someone you love even if they can never love you in the same way. Even when they say they do. It's what they actually do that counts and you've already been there. I wouldn't go back but understand why you want to. ((Hugs))

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 9, 2019 8:15 pm

I think there are so many levels of sexual identity and that "wrong" and "right" will only ever be seen in
shades of grey, black and white
....and I also think that a straightspouse would only regain trust....therefore admitting/believing they were wrong......if
their husband, wife, partner were totally honest with them.
And how often does that happen?

**Posted by Expecto86** October 10, 2019 10:29 am

Lyonene - you are right. I am sad for the life that I thought I would have. Throughout out entire relationship, I though things would just get better one day. But they never did. And no, I definitely did not want just a roommate but that's what I've had for years now. But I still miss him. And that sucks.

Whirligig - yes, I want to be wrong SO bad. So so bad. I keep coming back to the board to remind myself that there is no happy ending in staying. I see everyone's struggles here and it breaks my heart. I did move out a few weeks ago and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Elle - you're right. Being totally honest rarely happens. I know it's not happening in my case, that's for sure.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 10, 2019 12:05 pm

Divorcing my husband by far hands down the hardest thing I've had to do.
It does get better after divorce.

**Posted by Expecto86** October 10, 2019 12:10 pm

I haven't even given him the papers yet. Every time I go to leave them at the house, I have such severe anxiety.
But I want to. I want it done.
I'm so ready for it to get better. I'm so tired of crying 24/7.

**Posted by Abby** October 10, 2019 4:51 pm

Has your lawyer told you if the laws where you live allow him to be served with the divorce papers by some other method than you personally delivering them? Given your state of mind if it is allowed it probably is worth the extra expense.

It also could be safer.

**Posted by Rob** October 11, 2019 10:36 pm

Usually a lawyer serves the papers via an official means.. Worst would be him having them served at work.
I guess if you have the strength and are amicable you could hand him the papers. I did not have the strength..

I understand the enormity or seriousness of the filing and serving.. the weight and finality.. the trauma. I was gathering strength to file when she beat me to it and filed.. I do not think it is fear...rather its our love for them and our not wanting it be. (Yes, you are one of us...we love strongly and authentically.)

Another couple of weeks of living with my abusive GX and I would have filed.. in my case her actions and she herself already screamed "I dont want the marriage"... You could say she had the strength..anger and hurt are here specialty.. For us , its out of character..not who we.... But with 20/20 hindsight I wish I had filed first and been more strong. Its really pomp and circumstance...a consequence of their actions.
You/we are not wrong... we never were.

Wishing you courage and wisdom.

**Posted by Leah** November 17, 2019 2:14 pm

Hi Expecto,

Just hoping your anxiety is better and you have been able to move forward. It is such a hard thing to do and it is very brave to make it happen when he seems to be trying to still gaslight you into believing it is NOT what you think... That question does haunt me at times, but as Lyonene says, you are unhappy and that is reason enough! Sending you strength!