Posted by Str8guy  September 25, 2019 11:50 pm | #11 |
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Str8guy....you're being the nice guy, and letting her get away with not shouldering the responsibilities of a mother and wife. Does she not realise you're both going through this! (I know she does but it seems like she is aware you're okay doing all the emotional carrying and and also okay with the emotional reactions from her...which is, to put it bluntly, just a load of bs.
Why was it you who hugged your kids and excused their mother.....and not her?
This behavior is mostly new. She didn't start distancing herself from the family until 6 months ago when she started to build a relationship with her girlfriend. Before that she did spend the last 15 years pretty much at home. Once she came around and calmed down she did go see the kids.
I'm having a hard time seeing how this MOM is going to be a good thing, I really do see that it has a lot going against it but I do want to at least give it a try.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 26, 2019 1:53 pm | #12 |
.....This behavior is mostly new. She didn't start distancing herself from the family until 6 months ago when she started to build a relationship with her girlfriend. Your distancing comment reminded me about the 3/4 months that my partner was cold, distant....quite uncaring/not like himself. He was also shaving himself and telling me he was doing it for himself. In hindsight, and with time and the clarity that I have now, those 3/4 months was the death of what I believed was the future I thought was mine. Before that she did spend the last 15 years pretty much at home. Once she came around and calmed down she did go see the kids.
I'm having a hard time seeing how this MOM is going to be a good thing, If you thought a MOM was going to be a good thing you wouldn't be here. I see the MOM board as a place for working out our decision, surrounded by caring people willing to offer the advice you need to make it. I really do see that it has a lot going against it but I do want to at least give it a try. And this is what I am doing. There's a statistic that says a couple that stay in a MOM rarely stay in it after 3 years. I'm over 2 /12 years in but have learned much about myself in that time. Learnt about the necessity of good support, that really...I'm in charge of my life, and if *I* don't wish the dynamics of it changed...it's up to me to say so..
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily September 26, 2019 7:35 pm | #13 |
Okay so I hope you are up for this, it's heartbreaking as the ramifications sink in but I think it helps to take it on board - you feel physically attracted to your wife. It's the opposite for her, she feels as physically attracted to you as you feel towards other men. While your throat closes at the sight of her and all you can scheme about is how to get in her pants, she is unmoved at the sight of you and scheming about whatever she wants to.
It's a profound imbalance of power in the interplay between you. Instead of having your back while you have hers, she is only caring about her own. 'Oh nobody likes me' means that now you have to show her how you do.
wishing you the best of luck, keep taking the next step in front of you and keep looking after yourself! Lily
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Posted by Str8guy October 1, 2019 2:20 pm | #14 |
After a lot of talking and crying we decided it would be best for us if we went with the divorce. We could maintain this for a while but as time passes we feel like we are growing apart and the resentment slowly creeping in on both sides.
We let the kids know last night at dinner. They seemed to understand and are glad that the two of us still love each other and will both be around.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 1, 2019 3:27 pm | #15 |
After a lot of talking and crying we decided it would be best for us if we went with the divorce......
You have my very best wishes for the journey ahead. Please stay on the Forum and keep us up to date with how it's going 
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily October 1, 2019 3:45 pm | #16 |
oh well done, str8guy! I do believe you have done a lot to make it easier on your children.
Yes, the resentment, awful isn't it. My ex was dripping in it by the time he was 50. So congrats for biting the bullet now but you are not yet through the woods. Divorce is looming and you only get one shot at it.
You are wanting to do everything to care for your wife. But who is wanting to do everything to care for you.
She has had a long time to prepare for this, you are just finding out about it now.
So here's a question - who is driving the separation forward, you or your wife?
My guess to the answer is that she is. there is a girlfriend is in the wings and she has already planned the details of what she wants and is walking you through it.
Find yourself a good lawyer and get the support of family and friends you can confide in.
wishing you all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (October 1, 2019 3:57 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 1, 2019 3:55 pm | #17 |
.....She has had a long time to prepare for this, you are just finding out about it now. ........
Find yourself a good lawyer and get the support of family and friends you can confide in.
This is excellent advice
KIA KAHA
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Posted by a_dads_straight_journey October 1, 2019 5:06 pm | #18 |
Lily is right in that one vulnerability you may have right now is your concern for your wife’s welfare as she is also the mother of your children. I had that concern. You can be kind and firm but you don’t need to be unnecessarily generous in any legal agreements. You can always do that later. Shop for lawyers too, you needn’t pick the first one. I switched attorneys in the middle and hired a female attorney. She was a better communicator, meticulous on details and I think her gender helped ease any adversarial tensions with my ex.
Keep in touch on the forum and wishing you strength and courage on this journey.
All the best,
ADSJ
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Posted by paulf October 9, 2019 1:52 am | #19 |
Wow.....have been looking for somewhere like this for 4 years. Been happily married for 19 years now but, 5 years ago, i found my wife had been having an affair for about 4 months with another woman. At first she lied about it, then when the evidence was un deniable, admitted to it. Said she was in love with gf (fulltime...man hating lesbian)& me & wanted to keep both going, with 3 young children we concluded it was not going to work, so bad messy breakup (lesbians can be crazy) followed. Fast forward 14 months, another affair.... same story, i find out, this time she admits it, dosent want to call it off, im in counselling for 6 months, another messy breakup for them. I love my wife with all my heart, i accept she is bi, but is this what my future is? she says she is trying not to be so attracted to other women, but i feel i am suppressing her needs as a woman. Our relationship & sex life is awesome, just not sure i can handle not knowing if an affair is just around the corner
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Posted by paulf October 9, 2019 1:55 am | #20 |
Wow.....have been looking for somewhere like this for 4 years. Been happily married for 19 years now but, 5 years ago, i found my wife had been having an affair for about 4 months with another woman. At first she lied about it, then when the evidence was un deniable, admitted to it. Said she was in love with gf (fulltime...man hating lesbian)& me & wanted to keep both going, with 3 young children we concluded it was not going to work, so bad messy breakup (lesbians can be crazy) followed. Fast forward 14 months, another affair.... same story, i find out, this time she admits it, dosent want to call it off, im in counselling for 6 months, another messy breakup for them. I love my wife with all my heart, i accept she is bi, but is this what my future is? she says she is trying not to be so attracted to other women, but i feel i am suppressing her needs as a woman. Our relationship & sex life is awesome, just not sure i can handle not knowing if an affair is just around the corner
