Posted by Kaylamarie  August 19, 2019 2:00 pm | #1 |
Hey all,
I have gone to a few therapy sessions to deal with my extreme stress regarding the topic of trusting again. I met a special person but have found myself unable to be happy for fear that I once I let my guard down, I will get hurt again. By getting hurt again, I mean my ex boyfriend hiding his secret gay hookup app from me for who knows how long. I told my therapist that I am constantly looking to see if my current boyfriend notices other men. I am always looking for those "telltale signs". The scariest truth though is having read so many of your stories, there is no true list of "signs". My ex and I had plenty of sex and he wanted to please me. He also knew that he had many traits of a gay man such as his good dressing, music taste, love of decorating ...but would never hide it because he said he was comfortable in who he was. I really believed that there was no way a man that was this confident in himself could be hiding a secret life on Grindr. According to everything I read, my ex was just a confident metrosexual straight man. He also would say "if I was a gay man I would just go be a gay man." and "I have no problem with gay men whatsoever". I guess I am struggling to get past the fact that you can never really know the person you are with. I am 29 years old and the only relationship I have ever been in (before my current) is the one with my ex. It lasted 6 years and I thought I would marry him. To have that be my only experience I think has tainted my view of myself completely. How can you possibly trust another person when you cant trust yourself to see your boyfriend is gay? But also how could you possibly know when people are so good at hiding it? . My therapist has told me that I am hypervigilent to finding clues that my boyfriend is gay. She said its completely normal based on what I have gone through. I want to be a strong woman who believes in myself but I have no idea how. I want to know if anyone out there has any personal stories about the struggle of moving on after this happens.
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Posted by a_dads_straight_journey August 19, 2019 2:36 pm | #2 |
Before I met my gay ex- wife, I dated a woman for 6 months and then broke up with her. She came out right after I broke up with her. After my ex came out, it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me.
There wasn’t - there was something wrong with them because they were in denial and dating straight.
They had a character flaw.
The issue isn’t whether you find another GID partner, the issue is whether you find a partner that you believes knows himself and lives an authentic life. Whether they cheat or not, the GID partner has narcissistic traits similar to the cheater profile at Chump Lady.com. To know that, just look at their character traits and life habits in other elements of their life.
You are hyper vigilant right now because you have been betrayed. Instead of looking for his gayness, look at his character traits. If any red flags emerge don’t ignore them.
An additional thought - sometimes what someone prides themself most on, is what they struggle with the most. ( a reformed drug addict features his sobriety). My ex-wife prided herself on her transparency, honesty, and courage. In the physical world, she was honest in her transactions and had a fearless sense of adventure ( that I sometimes thought was reckless) but in her emotional world she was a coward and dishonest. It took her 25 years to come out.
When I approached dating life again I paid close attention to what people prided themselves on.
I hope this helps.
All the best,
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (August 19, 2019 2:50 pm)
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Posted by morpheus August 19, 2019 4:01 pm | #3 |
Very nice thoughts by straight dad.
Speaking of pure stats position, it's a very small chance that your partner would be gay, even less chance is to get second one in a row. I would buy a lottery ticket then, i guess.
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Posted by lily August 19, 2019 7:25 pm | #4 |
morpheus wrote:
Very nice thoughts by straight dad.
Speaking of pure stats position, it's a very small chance that your partner would be gay, even less chance is to get second one in a row. I would buy a lottery ticket then, i guess.
I tend to think that openly gay people are the tip of a very big iceberg - logical really, isn't it - add to that the OP is likely to be a kindhearted, friendly to gay people sort of person and the possibility of two in a row becomes a lot stronger than a lottery ticket, doesn't it?
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Posted by Paraceleus September 3, 2019 1:07 am | #5 |
Gay is as exteme as straight... I suspect bisexuality to be statisticaly much more common.
