OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Musings

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 15, 2019 3:23 pm

Last evening I got home from spending day with my sister. Partner and I had been emailing...but the last one I sent to his work he hadn't replied to so the old suspicious me thought "ah he's left work early to get home to have some alone time on the internet" When I walked in he had his laptop open but watching a history doco. I'd had a long day, saw he'd taken something out of the freezer for his own dinner and asked (no doubt tersely) "nothing for me huh?" Which resulted in him, after a few retorts from both of us...saying "why don't you Fuck off!"
I wish I'd caught myself and replied blandly "that's not nice"...because I look back now and I'm sure he was trying to pick a fight.
In the end I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because he hasn't been well, hates being unwell...and I keep telling myself I can't do anything about how he *chooses* to act.

But as I lay in bed this morning....I thought back to the times we used to argue and I always thought it was my emotion that made it worse.
The fact he deliberately got angry never crossed my mind

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 20, 2019 6:35 pm

I changed my signature this morning. Last evening I watched an interview with
Dan Carter (rugby player) and his words about the challenges he faced struck
a chord. No SS challenges but more about the pressures of the game and where
he wanted to be in life.

I went for a walk, lots of steps, lots of thinking, then walked into a lawyer's office to make an appointment,
stipulating I would prefer to speak to a woman. Deep breath
She can be contacted in an hour.....so I've come home to wait!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 22, 2019 2:36 pm

I did it! Saw a lawyer. 3pm appointment and I went for a deep-breathing walk beforehand. She was lovely, let me talk, asked me lots of questions, gave me information and advice. It was a free 30 minute initial consultation that went way over 30 mins and when I queried it she said "no charge, I was the one asking you questions!"

It feels weird doing this. But the fact is...it is necessary

**Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet** August 22, 2019 9:48 pm

Ellexoh, keep up that breathing! You have walked a long and hard road to get to the door of that lawyer. Keep going at the pace that works for you. Best.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 13, 2019 2:23 pm

Oh my heart..this is hard!

I can feel things coming to a head. I've stopped trying to talk about how I'm feeling...to a man who can't acknowledge my pain.
This week I will hopefully see my counselor (I want to use her printer to print the email that started this Mindfuck, and I don't want anybody else to see it. It makes me feel ashamed)
After that I go to the bank for some statements
Then to the lawyer to, amongst other things....change my will

After that I think I might open up a conversation with the man who ruined my life

**Posted by Julian_Stone** October 13, 2019 9:57 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
I've stopped trying to talk about how I'm feeling...to a man who can't acknowledge my pain.

I'm not as far along into this mindscrew as you are (6 months in). My husband also calls himself bisexual — something he did not disclose to me until 9 years into our relationship.
What astounded me perhaps most of all was his lack of empathy for me. He once cried over a very bad hangover, but has not shed a single tear as I poured my damn soul out. This seems to be a common experience: complete lack of empathy on the part of our bi/gay/GID spouses. I cry a LOT less now, but I still have bad days...angry days...and he just seems so dumbfounded. "What's wrong?"...Jesus...I just want to scream YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. I'd love a professional opinion on why that is: How these people who'd committed to being our life partners cannot even seem to acknowledge the pain they've caused us.

Wishing you peace & clarity. We all know how hard this is.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (October 14, 2019 9:41 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 14, 2019 1:51 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
I'm not as far along into this mindscrew as you are (6 months in). At 6 months I was in a state of confusion and panic. Thinking "wtf! is going on!"...and scrabbling for ways to fix it. My husband also calls himself bisexual — something he did not disclose to me until 9 years into our relationship.
What astounded me perhaps most of all was his lack of empathy for me. He once cried over a very bad hangover, but has not shed a single tear as I poured my damn soul out. This seems to be a common experience: complete lack of empathy on the part of our bi/gay/GID spouses. I so agree about the empathy/lack of it. My partner wants me to "move on" as if it's a misdemeanor, not a crime. I cry a LOT less now, but I still have bad days...angry days...and he just seems so dumbfounded. "What's wrong?"...Jesus...I just want to scream YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. I'd love a professional opinion on why that is: How these people who'd committed to being our life partners cannot even seem to acknowledge the pain they've caused us.

Wishing you peace & clarity. Thank you. I'm attempting to be in control of my own peace and clarity because he and I are not reading from the same book at the moment..in fact something has shifted in him. There has been no physical or public displays of affection except for a kiss on the lips for over a week (after an argument) but I try not to overanalyse his actions but I'm thinking it feels like his coldness towards me 3 years ago when I went through the panic & confusion stage.We all know how hard this is.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 14, 2019 2:06 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 11, 2019 4:17 pm

This morning I had an appointment with a lawyer to discuss redoing my will...plus having the lawyer go over the pre-nup we signed 35 years ago.
It's taken me weeks, months to find & collect what I need and most importantly to feel the time is right!

So I get there....early of course, that's a trait in myself I can't change, so I wouldn't feel rushed....to find the appointment's been cancelled due to the lawyer being unwell. "no I don't want to see anybody else thanks, I'll reschedule" !@#$% I nearly burst into tears but took a deep breath, and stopped myself.

I know there are bound to be hiccups but I feel a little empty

**Posted by Rob** December 11, 2019 11:58 pm

Ellexoh_nz,

You needed to reschedule ok...but you're doing fine..slow and steady. The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedingly small..

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 12, 2019 1:09 pm

Rob wrote:
..

Cheers Rob. I don't rely on anybody's mills grinding but my own
Thank you for your encouragement