OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What to tell teen and YA children; outing vs making ourselves small?

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** August 13, 2019 2:10 pm

SS79
In Catholic school they taught us the age of reason for a child is 7. My daughter was 6 when she learned of the divorce and it surprised me that it barely phased her. I don’t think she really grasped what it meant. ( we had already arranged my ex’s living arrangements and they saw her house the day we told them. I think my daughter simply thought she would be spending time with Mom in a different house, which given the hours I worked and that my ex was a stay at home mom it wasn’t a big change for my daughter.)

So I speculate there’s only so much your daughter will process right now. If you are planning to divorce it’s better she learns after you have a plan on living arrangements and parenting to eliminate any uncertainty for her. Regarding the transition, I will share modified phrasing that my therapist gave me for the kids. You could tell her that’ Mommy and Daddy can’t love each other any more the way a a man and a woman needs to be loved’. When she asks why you could say ‘ because he’s realized deep down he’s a woman inside and that some men are like this, and they don’t realize this till they are older. But Mommy and Daddy still love you”.

I welcome any critique of this suggestion from anyone, but it’s honest and gentle and protects her sense of security and lets her know her Daddy isn’t the only man like this.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** August 13, 2019 7:40 pm

Telling a 5 year old "daddy has realized deep down he's a woman inside" is only going to confuse her. A version of the truth like "Daddy doesn't want to be Mommy's husband anymore" would be more accurate. I swear I don't know how to say "Mommy and Daddy still love you" when Daddy isn't going to BE daddy much longer.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 13, 2019 9:12 pm)

**Posted by HeatherKimber** August 14, 2019 9:45 pm

I think it really depends. Each situation is different. In my case, my bisexual significant other will never admit to it. He rages about it. If he was going to come out of the closet, then yes our son would need to know. But, he's not, so I don't see the point in telling our son.

**Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet** August 15, 2019 12:37 am

OOHC: about the sequence of events--yes, you have it about right. In all the fuss, I had forgotten my intent to continue to ask my husband to speak with the children. I had asked it specifically the day before I told him my intent to divorce. The two teens were just crying that day about various things, but basically just so much grief and stress permeating the home. I had said to my husband that day, "There is so much grief here, can you not see it? Can you help us all by telling the children the truth?

My therapist had said this was the wisest approach--for me to tell my story without fully talking about my husband's orientation, and then follow up with a joint conversation with my husband about his sexuality. But I had let that follow up drop in the stress of carrying out the safety plan. Then when the 15 yr old raged, and I heard his grief and disorientation--that really made me decide I would tell them myself if my husband would not--that it was abusive to hide the truth from them, and abusive to "trickle truth," which would mean multiple traumas.

did they stop raging at me? I would say, yes? Maybe? Not outright rage. The 24 daughter is specifically asking for a lot of space, and wants definite boundaries about not discussing the divorce with her. Which is fair--now that the truth is mostly out, I know it is best to not go into it.

The 15 son--I asked him later in the evening after my husband talked with the kids--"Hey, how are you doing? OK?" And son said, "You guys are making WAY TOO BIG a deal about this." Sigh...when he was the one who was the biggest rager.

I am especially concerned about 21 son, who has more and more said, just in the past year, how he wants to be just like his dad. He is also something of a "tough man." But I suggested it might be a good idea to visit with a therapist, and he seemed interested.

Until about 6 today, I though 17 son was doing amazingly well! Then! What a night. It all came out. Mostly he is mad at me for enforcing some discipline--Mom dropping the divorce bomb is a great reason to say you shouldn't have to do your 2 chores for the day, and a great reason to excuse pushback.

My husband said that after he read them his letter (I left the room at that point to allow private time)--that the kids really said nothing. I bet not! I think their eyes probably got bigger and bigger and bigger. A lot to take in.

I hope this turns out for the best. I myself feel so free! Last night i visited with one of my closest friends, who I had hardly been in touch with since discovery. My husband being honest (mostly) truly has freed me from a sense of fear and isolation. I am still working to overcome that fear, but I have felt so free--the lack of being stuck in a lie has been amazing.

**Posted by Celandine** August 19, 2019 3:44 am

OMOTF,

Thank you for sharing this. I am about to have a similar experience this week and am swinging wildly between the relief of being (somewhat) freed from his closet, dreading seeing the looks on my daughters' faces and handling the fallout after he leaves. But I still believe transparency is the only way forward. I am so tired of having to feel I am standing guard on a structure I despise, which holds nothing healthy for my family and which we have been trapped in by his cowardice.

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 21, 2019 8:32 am

OMO2F, I love the way you phrased this: "that it was abusive to hide the truth from them, and abusive to "trickle truth," which would mean multiple traumas."

For those of us who discovered our spouse's secrets by accident ... going back to the shock of that moment, the one thing we all needed was absolute truth and candor. As time goes by, it's easy to forget that moment, the urgency of needed to get the full story now, not later.

I think I had a similar experience with my daughter's rages -- not in the initial conversation, but after a month or two. We had some really, really bad fights. Somehow, though, I knew that under it all, she needed to lash out at somebody and I was the person who was there for her. She was feeling far more secure in her relationship with me than she felt with her father, so she probably felt safer lashing out at me. I think things are a little better now.