Posted by Kaylamarie  August 2, 2019 9:18 am | #1 |
So many people say, "its not that your boyfriend was gay, it was that he cheated." They do not understand how it messes you up so much to be with someone who lies about their sexual orientation. Has anyone ever encountered this when talking to someone? I think people try to relate by saying its the same as infidelity with a person of the opposite sex. I try to explain how its so much more than that. That when someone uses you for years because they dont know themselves, you feel like your undesirable, that theres something wrong with you, and truly disgusted. It makes me sad because I used to always embrace gay people and that wont ever change because I appreciate that they are out. I dont have much sympathy for men or women who are not honest with their partners about their desires. It feels like the ultimate betrayal.
|
Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet August 2, 2019 11:18 am | #2 |
Yes Kaylamarie. It IS different. The level of betrayal is huge, and the changing sense of ourselves as undesirable. Lots to work through! SO much.
|
Posted by Whirligig August 6, 2019 7:25 pm | #3 |
Yes. Particularly if you have any shared friendships. People will look for an excuse to keep the peace. Some may have even been aware already and chose not to tell you 'because it's not their place to 'out' them'. As if they exist in a vacuum sealed box! Can't break the seal without permission! Even though you are being directly affected. Still bitter about this one. It's always an impulse to protect them because of the idea that they are always the victim of society. And this same mindset happens when you try to explain to people why it's different. No one wants to take a look under 'that' rug. Can't be accused of being homophobic or of not being an ally.
It still hurts to think of conversations where I was told that we could just be best friends now that I knew. To feel like my feelings were just swept aside and somehow unimportant just because they were gay and I should get over it. That the lies and wasted time just didn't count somehow like they would if they were straight. Being gay makes that a-ok! Pretty sure most victims of straight cheaters don't get those particular gems.
They don't ever think about how maybe your feelings of love are too strong for a friendship or that maybe you don't want to be friends with people who lie to you and are okay with hurting you and wasting your time.
|
Posted by OutofHisCloset August 6, 2019 9:49 pm | #4 |
I agree. It's different in that it comes with its own character of hurt. However, I also think we sometimes get so knocked over by the "gay" element that we get end up going round and round about "saving the marriage" when we might not do the same thing if it was a hetero spouse cheating.
|
Posted by morpheus August 8, 2019 3:53 pm | #5 |
Today i was thinking, that it would way be easier if there would be another man, not woman. Of course, it would be the same blow to my self-esteem. The same financial and legal questions. The problem with mixed spouses is that they tries to suck everyone around to their closet.
My wife called her mom and told that we're divorcing. Without details. Mother in law doesn't call me - maybe thinks that i cheated or something else.
My wife (with counselor's advice) would like to not tell our son why she left. I have now to be at home with a wedding ring on hand (actually i don't care, but i saw her without it the same day she told me. like that simple) - don't wanna that kid would notice and then i would have to lie to him. At home i have to act like mom is "on vacation" - he's not questioning, but that questions may be in his head. We're not a professional actors, so he could feel that something is wrong.
So lies are now expanded on me, on her mom, on everyone around, except her new friend.
Later my kid, if he would know, what happened with details, would have a dilemma - what to answer to questions about his family. He may have to lie when telling his friends, why he lives with father only. Homophobia is everywhere. When you're a teenager, you react hundreds time sharper to the things like this.
I'll go to work next week - i would have to not tell all the truth. If she would leave for another man - well, shit happens, it hurts, but divorced people are all around. But she left for another woman and the reaction would be "what, what, what?".
So, her closet is now my closet, our son's closet, and everyone's, who could be hurt by this closet. Thanks.
Last edited by morpheus (August 8, 2019 3:53 pm)
|
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey August 8, 2019 4:32 pm | #6 |
Your current situation sounds like mine was. I would tell your son the reason. We told my son of the divorce on April 30th, 2014 and she didn’t want to tell him why until school was out in mid June. (As I recall it now I think she didn’t want to risk anyone in the school knowing. ) He was tormented for two months and begged to know why. Once he knew, he was relieved and knew he had nothing to do with the cause of the divorce.
My ex never acknowledged it to her mother before her mother died for fear of losing her inheritance. I complied in keeping that secret because it could benefit my children’s education cost in the future.
But even as I write this now, the whole damn closet thing is a mindf*ck. Just live the truth and let the day run it’s course is my philosophy now.
Stay strong as you navigate these issues..you seem to have a full grasp of them.. but they are exhausting.
All the best,
ADSJ
|
Posted by StraightSpouse1979 August 8, 2019 5:32 pm | #7 |
I hate the amount of sympathy he gets or the praise for letting people know he is a transgendered person. How difficult it must be for him that he has to come out of his darkness and how brave he is for doing so. Not ONE of his family members reached out to me about how I FEEL. Not ONE person of his family who knows that has been my family for 20 years has asked how this has affected me. People tell him that if they were in my shoes they would stay married because he is still the same inside. I think that they tell him what they think he wants to hear and I tell him how it is and how I feel. They think because he loves me still, has been faithful so he says that it could be worse. It is like we get no empathy from most people because they are livng their truth now
|
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey August 8, 2019 6:11 pm | #8 |
When my ex came out she called it an inconvenient truth. Bullsh*t, she lived a convenient lie. We all need to make these points objectively to educate others and advocate for ourselves. Simply remind your in- laws and friends had you wanted to marry a woman you would have done so.
|
Posted by Blue Bear August 10, 2019 5:40 pm | #9 |
You should get mad. I listened to one of the SSN podcasts (“The Anger” episode), and the straight spouse explained very well why this is worse than “mere” infidelity.
With infidelity, you lose the future that you had planned with your spouse.. With your spouse coming out of the closet in the context of a same-sex affair (the prevalent scenario), you not only lose your future but you also lose your past. You ask yourself what was real in your past, and it sends you reeling. Losing your past and your future is a double whammy.
Last edited by Blue Bear (August 10, 2019 8:37 pm)
|
Posted by walkbymyself August 11, 2019 6:02 pm | #10 |
i'm sure ordinary infidelity is painful, but in our situation there's the added pain of knowing that we have been used, to provide cover, so that some coward can live one public life and an entirely different private life ... in an era in which other people facing the same choice have done the right thing and told their own parents, their bosses, their friends, that they are gay and would like to live openly gay. My husband used me because he wanted the respectability of being "straight". My husband used me because in the sick subculture he inhabits, being able to call yourself "bi" makes you "more of a man" than being gay; I saw him boasting in his texts about how he was satisfying his wife in bed ... when in reality he hasn't touched me in two decades.
No it is not the same thing. There are many shared aspects, but there are differences.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
