OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / It (the ANSWER) doesn't matter anymore

**Posted by karma8mykeys** June 24, 2019 7:12 am

For me.

I wish I'd found this site years ago, but I didn't. I am only a week out from leaving my husband but the separation has been years coming. I had a moment of clarity where I realized he was never ever going to admit to anything. And he was so tech locked down I never had the opportunity to snoop.

But I realized that I no longer wanted a marriage where I was not touched, not looked at and not desired with a man who was not there. And I realized I absolutely hated meeting gay men with my husband because I was mortified. I hated the way he would make weird eye contact with them, and I hated the pity that was sometimes directed to me.

I am trying to be as selfish as possible. That means it doesn't matter (at this one moment in time, because it's really hard to maintain) that he wont acknowledge how damaging this was for me. It doesn't matter that he will probably be closeted the rest of his life. What matters is the rest of my life.

I've got a long road ahead, I know that. But for me I just need to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter.

Much love to all.

I just needed to put this in writing and get it out there.

**Posted by Rob** June 24, 2019 11:04 pm

karma,

No need to need more info.. I can assure you. I knew everything...had all kinds of proof etc. And you know what... it didn't make any difference. The hurt, pain, trauma were all still there.

Good for you know to know that it really doesn't matter if you know everything or not. The important thing is to get away from such a hurtful person.

Wishing you strength, courage, and peace.

**Posted by jkc1214** June 28, 2019 2:22 pm

Glad you're free. I've said it a million times but it still holds true. It's way more lonely standing next to someone who is supposed to love you and doesn't than to stand alone.

It may be a rough road but you'll get there eventually.

**Posted by Whirligig** June 28, 2019 6:15 pm

jkc1214 wrote:
It's way more lonely standing next to someone who is supposed to love you and doesn't than to stand alone.

It may be a rough road but you'll get there eventually.

You are so, so right! This exactly! And it applies for many different types of relationships. You are also certainly right that it will get better. I'm finally getting there and I am very grateful. Keep going!

Last edited by Whirligig (June 28, 2019 6:17 pm)

**Posted by daniss1958** August 2, 2019 10:58 am

Good job Im still trying to find a way to leave. I wish he would admit it to me, or I could prove it. Im just hurt for not being desired, touched or shown loving caressing that comes with any relationship. What guy doesnt want sex? Especiall in the beginning? He has never been interested in sex, just did it play the role of a hetersexual man.I want the strength to leave. Im glad you had what it takes.

**Posted by Abby** August 2, 2019 11:10 am

Daniss1958, I don't have much time to reply to your posts but in the end what you may find helpful is what I read somewhere and what helped me: "Whatever he is he isn't for me."

No matter how much evidence or even with a confession the fact is that in the U.S. most divorces are no-fault ones. You don't need grounds anymore. It sounds as if for you the marriage is "irretrievably broken" so it becomes up to you whether to divorce or not.

To help you make decisions I suggest that you consult an attorney or attorneys without him knowing so that you can find out where you stand under the laws where you live. If 1958 is the year you were born, consider it retirement planning.