OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Afraid to say what I want and need

**Posted by Alley123** June 21, 2019 8:23 am

My mtf spouse said something like if I can’t support him or leave him he would hurt himself. I instantly was angry. But I couldn’t say what I was thinking. I wanted to scream it’s not fair. He can’t say that. It’s manipulative. It’s controlling. I keep thinking it’s his problem not mine. But I feel guilty. I don’t want to stay married. This isn’t how I thought it would be 18 years later. This isn’t what I want or need. Why can’t I say that to him? I’m not sure how to do it. ??

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** June 21, 2019 9:15 am

He is manipulating you and blame shifting. He’s attempting to make you responsible for his problem, but you know that,

On ChumpLady.com she has the UBT (Universal Bullsh*T Translator) for what cheaters say. And he is a cheater because he deceived you about his true identity.

At a minimum you will be able to see how predictable this is and that will help with your anger. You also won’t be able to negotiate your needs with him so there may be no point in communicating your needs. He only cares about himself right now.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. He broke the social contract of your marriage - his needs are no longer your problem.

All the best ...

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (June 21, 2019 9:18 am)

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** June 21, 2019 2:57 pm

I read about someone who called her spouse's bluff as well.

They were talking on the phone and he threatened to harm himself if she didn't come home. She called 911 and said she was on the phone with her husband and he is threatening suicide. They sent police and EMTs over to check on him.

Now, I have mixed feelings about this. She knew (well, highly suspected) he was bluffing and may have diverted services that someone else needed, but he never did it again.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 21, 2019 4:27 pm

Alley,
You say what you said here: "In threatening me with suicide or harm, you are blackmailing me emotionally, and that is unfair, manipulative, and controlling."