Married30yrs wrote:
I feel once I can trust him again that maybe I can see past this crap. I keep being told that I need to forgive for my well being but I can't do either right now. Just struggling to breath some/most days. He says it is only fantasies and fining guys attractive. That he would not do anything (else) while we were married. But....all that comes back to the trust thing. This crap is what made him go chat rooms and snapchat and whatever else. Bits & pieces keep popping up....everyday waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tied up in knots every time we go out in public.
When two people have been married for as long as many of us on this Forum..trust has been grown, nurtured, expected and cherished for so long that I think it becomes an unthinking part of who we are.
For me, when that trust was broken, it was as if some visceral part of me...that living, breathing, loving depended on for the well-being of our relationship....had been torn from it.
Now the confidence in *us* is no longer there I'm able to say without a shadow of doubt I trust him no longer....and, for me, this has become another step in the journey of deciding who I am and where I belong.
I was, a year ago, as you are...struggling, tied up in knots, thinking "I've got to get outa here" then in the next breath "But this is where I belong"
Do you look him in the eye and tell him how you feel? When I got stronger in myself, stopped giving him the vulnerable parts of myself.....the crying, the pleading, the emotion....and truly started seeing that he could quite comfortably life his life with me but have totally different thoughts in his head that allowed him to still look at gay porn/shave himself/expect me to be okay with it that I realised trust in him was something I would never get back
