Can't forgive him though. He had known this for a long time but haven't come out. I was younger when this started. I could have had a new life. Now I don't feel like going for another partner.

Davin wrote:

I met my wife in college and she was actually the one who pursued me, I was too busy at the time to really work on a social life. I was working full time while going to school full time. It was a nice change for me -- I was used to being rejected by the women to whom I was attracted. I had some serious self-esteem issues and I think these people all pick up on those signals.
She asked me out and at first I was suspicious thinking that maybe it was some sort of sorority prank, who could bring the biggest nerd to a social function :-) I think that she was drawn to me as someone who was kind and caring and who had the potential to be a good provider.
She wanted intelligent kids and saw me as a good candidate to make that happen through genetics. I think she genuinely thought that maybe if she hooked up with the right man that her SSA feelings would somehow subside, or that she would be able to contain them.
Early on in the marriage she tried hard to make things work. After we conceived our second child (and she wanted exactly two) things changed immediately. She no longer was concerned about how I was feeling, was no longer attentive to my needs, and basically metered out physical intimacy at a rate of just enough to keep me from outsourcing it to a third party. 
It has been about a month since I came to the conclusion that she is GID. Now I'm trying to navigate this journey -- something I could never have imagined in my wildest nightmare.
It has been wonderful to have this forum to share with others and learn that I'm not alone in this journey. The waves of emotions continue to roll in and out... shame, guilt, anger, denial... it has been a bumpy ride so far to say the least! My life is complicated by the fact that we run a business together and have struggled financially only recently getting back on our feet a bit.
Sleep is really hard these days -- I can't turn off my brain to just get some rest. I keep ruminating about all of these things, worry about the road I'm on and how to deal with the aftermath once this all blows up. My wife doesn't yet know that I know she's GID. I haven't figured out how best to bring that conversation to the forefront. One child graduates from high school in a week and the other will be entering high school in the fall. Lots at stake and I need to make sure I make smart choices in how I navigate this journey.
 

Hi Davin, thank you for post.  yes I think being a bit shy kindly and talented is a big attraction for them.  While we are bowled over with the feelings associated with bonding with the opposite sex they are unmoved and looking for what they want from the opposite sex.  I am often making the observation that it is the nicest men, the best ones who are married to GID women.  I find them quite shocking.  Every single GID woman I have met acts with a sense of complete self entitlement to use their husbands for their own ends and no guilt, quite the reverse.  Meanwhile, as a single women I have attracted some interest from them. Particularly after my gid-ex started spreading rumours the reason our marriage failed is because I am a lesbian when I got a peak of interest and then as it became apparent I wasn't actually a lesbian they went back to hiding their sexuality and put the bland facade back on.  and it's like they just completely expect me to go along with it and I do go along with it, there's still the charm, I get charmed by their attention and so she is smiling at me and I am looking at her not the husband and he is looking at her, not himself.

and I am thinking about a particular occasion and the subtext of the conversation we are having is that she has had a bust up with her longterm girlfriend and feeling the hurt and wanting the sympathy for that.  Which of course I do feel and there sitting on the other side of me is her husband and he is nodding away sympathetically too but I get this sense his head is sort of numb or disengaged.  I can't help feeling for him as well, but I can sense that both of them don't want that from me, he is supposed to be like a piece of furniture.

so yes I think you're being wise not talking with her about it - there is no point to having that conversation until you have decided on your course of action - and you need to do everything you can to look after yourself and help yourself through this, it is so tough.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (May 21, 2019 10:13 am)