OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Thoughts on the grieving process

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** May 12, 2019 1:17 pm

I ran across this quote on WebMd by Kenneth Doka, PhD, a few years back, and have been wanting to post it. It is specific to the death of an individual, but I think its relevant here too, because we are dealing with the death of a relationship, a dream, and our own life as we knew it because of the death of an identity.

There are five tasks involved with grief:
Accepting reality,
Dealing with emotions about the death,
Relocating the person in relation to your life,
Readjusting without that person,
And grappling with any lingering religious, philosophical, or social issues that may arise.

I found that regarding almost any thought or feeling I had about my MOM, my ex, my divorce, the absurdity, the current co-parenting challenges I’ve mentioned, etc., that if I could put it into one of these categories it helped me stabilize when I was swimming in a soup of emotions.

I hope others may find this helpful.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 12, 2019 1:17 pm)

**Posted by lily** May 12, 2019 7:23 pm

I wish I understood the workings of our hearts better. I could write a lot about that.

But it's not my ex I am in grief for, that I know for sure. But I do have a lot of grief over what he stole from me. My whole adult life, the children I could have had with another man, my identity! He stole my identity, he stole my authentic way of being and relating to everyone, not just him.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** May 12, 2019 7:45 pm

Yes he did. It’s a great loss/theft that few people can really understand. Believe me Lily, I understand.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (May 12, 2019 7:50 pm)

**Posted by gonzo2000** May 12, 2019 8:23 pm

Lily, I too feel the same way, robbed & cheated of my whole adult life. The only good that came of his deceit are the 2 children. And yet, I grieve that they don't have an honestly loving father, because I believed him. They did not choose their father, I did....
Daughter asked him, "Why did you marry Mum, when you knew you were gay?"
His reply, "I wanted children".
I ache for her because she is such a loving, caring person. And I ache for my son, who is also afraid to trust another person....

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** May 12, 2019 9:21 pm

Gonzo: He "wanted children"? What monumental selfishness, to think only of what HE wanted, and to discount the reality of life, the effects of life, with an in the closet father. As if THEY and their futures don't matter, only his own selfish wants.
Robbed and cheated about covers it, all right. I console myself, or try to, by thinking about all the other unfairnesses people in the world suffer under. Ours is just this specific one. Doesn't make it better or easier, just helps me realize it could have been something else.

**Posted by Rob** May 12, 2019 10:09 pm

Gonzo,

He actually said that to your daughter? Wow...just. Wow.

It's like a mother asking the murderer of her child why he killed her child and the murder answering; because i wanted the candy bar your kid had..

**Posted by Mimi** May 13, 2019 7:53 am

ADSJ, it really does help to put your feelings into one of those categories to know where you are in the process. Thank you

Now a days when a sad thought comes or when I get a call from him that makes me angry, I stop myself from crying. I tell myself “I’m not letting another wrinkle around my eyes because of this a...le”

**Posted by lily** May 13, 2019 1:19 pm

yeah I think that's what it's about for most of them - they want children. And it's a completely selfish want in that they are not considering either the spouse or the children.

mine didn't want children, he just wanted a closet - it makes it even worse.

I have a friend who identified as bisexual and when he was younger I remember him literally moaning over wanting to have children, it hurt a lot but what he did in the end was come out as gay and accept that meant he wouldn't have a family.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** May 13, 2019 3:40 pm

Lily, more and more gay couples do have children now, but personal circumstances can vary, obviously.
Gonzo, the more I think about your ex's insensitive remark to your daughter the angrier I get. It's like he was scapegoating his daughter for his actions: "I wanted YOU (children), so YOU'RE the reason I deceived your mother." Maybe he was just trying to convey how much he loved her, but somehow I find that less believable.

**Posted by lily** May 13, 2019 5:02 pm

yes, gay couples do have children. They go through all sorts of shit to do it - surrogate mothers and artificial insemination.

Mainly though, they have them by the non-medical intervention route of having a partner of the opposite sex. I know someone in my generation who had 4 children by 4 different fathers. Now she is out of the closet. She feels no guilt. Rubs the fathers noses in it. ooh look how cool I am now with my girlfriend.

I wouldn't be surprised if all of the fathers still think they were the ones at fault in the break up of their marriages.