OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Reflections on and complications of TGT

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 27, 2019 3:07 pm

When I divorced I thought that starting a new relationship would be easier than starting again had I left a straight marriage. I assumed my new partner would not have to worry about a reconciliation with my ex and I wouldn’t have to deal with any jealousy of my ex with a man.

But TGT casts a shadow on many things I did not anticipate. My son feels obligated to protect his mother from any insinuation of homophobia from anyone in my new circles. He infers homophobia in places/conversations where it doesn’t exist. My children having a gay mother is something my extended family including my new in-laws need to process and navigate in conversations in front of my children, Everyone has been very accepting of these facts, but its more of an elephant in the room than I anticipated.

And my ex still hasn’t told my youngest that she is gay because she doesn’t want my daughter to think it’s ‘abnormal’.

Just another observation on the journey...

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 27, 2019 6:22 pm)

**Posted by lily** April 27, 2019 5:50 pm

yeah, none of it's simple is it. It's not uncommon though. MOMs are how we have gay babies.

If you think of all the gay people you can see around you - well logic says they must be the tip of the iceberg when you include all the gay people in the closet, don't you think?

Essentially, the closet is not about homophobia it is about having children. Even the parents join in in hiding their children's sexuality from potential straight mates. It is a huge elephant in the room.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's situation - not fair on her. And it's not fair on the rest of you either, is it.

Hopefully things will improve with a bit more time. Everyone is likely to still be adjusting to a new normal.

wishing you all the best, Lily

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 27, 2019 6:23 pm

I don't think it's a good idea to have siblings keep secrets from one another.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 27, 2019 6:27 pm

Thanks Lily. It will improve but it takes energy that could be spent more productively elsewhere. I didn’t understand your gay babies comment or parents hiding their child’s sexuality. On the latter did you mean the parents of the mates we ended up with? If so, I believe my former mother-in-law knew or feared it but couldn’t accept it.(My ex’s orientation that is).

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 27, 2019 6:30 pm

I agree with you, walkbymyself. Working on when to tell her myself without ticking off my ex.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 27, 2019 6:33 pm)

**Posted by lily** April 27, 2019 8:26 pm

my gay babies comment - um okay well um okay so it takes both a man and a woman to make a baby. gay sex will not make a baby. It's all very well to say well you can adopt a baby but it's not the same as having a child of your own and until we got to the relatively recent miracles of modern science it hasn't been possible for a person with same sex attraction to have a baby of their own other than by having sex with a member of the opposite sex. ie a MOM.

and yes I did mean our mates parents. my ex was having sex with men before he met me, he'd already had a romantic attachment - people knew he was gay and nobody, not family or friends felt it was their place to rat him out to me. I think that is common, often unthinkingly or unwittingly, the straight spouse is not told that their prospective mate is gay. He turns up with a girl on his arm and they just think great, maybe I was wrong about him, maybe he will settle down and have a family now. Yes, it's unrealistic thinking - there always seems to be a lot of that around a closet.

I think it's one spadeful at a time. You have a new marriage now but still doing what needs to be done in front of you. Good for you.

Last edited by lily (April 27, 2019 8:32 pm)

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 27, 2019 11:01 pm

Lilly, thanks for the clarification. I get it. Up until very recently (both medically and in the adoption community) the only way a gay person was to have a family was/is through a MOM. Talk about being used. I'm really sorry your former in-laws were in on the secret too. That really sucks.

When I met my wife, early in our relationship, she made it clear that she knew she'd have to deal with various implications of my ex's orientation and that she was up for it as long as I acknowledged it too. At the time, I didn't see the magnitude of what she was talking about but I do now, TGT. I'm grateful she understood.

And yes a spadeful at a time, and maybe all the way to the grave as my ex will always be involved in my children's lives.

Thanks for your insights. I wish you the best as you are processing this too.

**Posted by lily** April 28, 2019 1:34 am

thanks. yes it is a lot of processing - affairs of the heart seem to transcend time - epiphanies change your past and your future as well as your present. Discovering what I'd missed due to his selfish deceit - a man's true love - is devastating.

**Posted by Clif** April 28, 2019 11:44 am

Hi Dad,
I am 8 1/2 years into a new marriage with a straight wife. My children were older and moved out when the XGW made her move. I was very close with her parents but they ended up being very uncomfortable around me so I keep my distance. They were very catholic and embarrassed when XGW's brother came out right after high school 30 some years ago.
My new wife was friends with my ex when they were kids and since I live in a very sparsely populated area everyone knew my story. So new wife was very understanding of the dynamic.
Now when I do think about it (which doesn't happen much anymore) it is like the plot of an old, familiar movie. One I don't want to watch anymore.