OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How do you detach with love?

**Posted by Mimi** April 23, 2019 1:48 pm

I’ve separated myself from my GIDH now.
I feel that letting go of your GID significant others is not just letting go of that person, it’s grieving the life you had planned for life. The old you. Even though he himself was and still is in complete denial, the fact that he knowingly dragged me into his closet with him makes me furious. But I also still care for him and want him to have a fulfilled life after divorce.

How did you all detach with love? Maybe by love I mean in a peaceful way. Do I need to even prove to him any longer that he is the reason our marriage exploded? It’s so unbelievably unfair that not only the life I had planned is over and I have to be the one to end it and pull the plug.

Last edited by Mimi (April 29, 2019 4:09 pm)

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 23, 2019 3:25 pm

Mimi everything you are feeling I have felt. There is so much to grieve. In some ways it’s worse than a death because the identity died and the future that was planned died but the person is still alive but different. It takes s lot of work to reorient mentally to that fact and you have to figure out how not to love that person. It’s difficult and takes time but doable. I consider disengaging an act of tough love. Both for the partner and for oneself. I hope this helps. I wrote more about this in my story on Our Stories.

And because we are the ones that recognize the need to disengage we are unfortunately the ones that drive the divorce and it is infuriating because we weren’t the cause.

Keep the faith...everything you are feeling is part of disengaging, getting reoriented and grieving the loss. It gets better.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (April 23, 2019 3:31 pm)

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 23, 2019 5:16 pm

Mimi, I'm sure he knows he's the reason the marriage exploded ... I wouldn't sit around trying to get him to admit it, but he does know it.

I am in the same boat, but haven't left the house yet. I filed for divorce last August. My lawyer told me if I'm not being abused, there's no particular urgency about my moving out of the house, so I"m sleeping in my daughter's old bedroom. My emotions are so mixed up, I made new rules for myself: whatever I'm feeling in this exact moment, that is the way I need to feel in order for me to eventually heal. So nobody gets to tell me I'm too bitter, or too angry, or too depressed, or whatever. Nobody gets to tell me I need to learn to forgive. And, if I start to feel compassion for my STBX, or I start to miss our old relationship -- nobody gets to deny me that, either. I get forgiven for wanting him dead, and if one moment later I feel compassion for him I get forgiven for that, too.

I'm barely managing day by day, and I have found I get irritable and snappy with people I should have a little more patience with.

**Posted by Whirligig** April 23, 2019 7:52 pm

I'm having such a hard time with this. Trying to navigate boundaries with the person in my life has been a nightmare. I can't escape them entirely so that's not an option but they keep pushing for friendship which I can't do after the deceit. At least not now. Maybe not ever. I don't really understand it either. Why can't they let me be? They're not interested in me right? I thought they would let go by now.

It doesn't help that there are days I really wish I could be friends. It's like I am fighting with myself on top of everything else. I keep trying for polite but feel I'm being cold. I like this person. If I didn't I wouldn't have been interested in them in the first place. But it can't go anywhere and I don't want to feel bad anymore. I feel tortured by 'shoulds'. Should be more forgiving. Should just get over it. Should forget about it. Should be friends.

The few people who know don't understand why I still feel so bad. It's been really lonely. I feel guilty for being unable to be a better person so I can be friends with them. Not sure if this is helpful to anyone but it's a relief to get this out. Loving them isn't the problem I'm having but detaching sure is.

**Posted by Rob** April 23, 2019 8:05 pm

Mimi,

This is not us leaving them, this is them rejecting us. The separation and divorce is pomp and circumstance...they knew what they were doing was wrong and what it would cost.. They knew they vowed and promised...and they did it anyway.

Its hard, I vowed I woud not become mean and cruel like her as we divorced... I would remain kind.

Walk forward.. do not be cruel but do not continue to accept abuse either.

**Posted by Dandelion** April 23, 2019 10:34 pm

I'm so sorry Mimi. I not having kids or marriage was able to physically detach. Mentally detaching was excruciating. What helped me was envisioning all that love as a sort of physical entity. I just pictured it lifting up and hanging mid air - still there. I didn't have to stop loving - it could still exist - I just no longer needed it to be connected to him. My love and ability to love was something worth honoring - his behavior not withstanding. And in time, I learned to take all that amazing love that I gifted - and apply some of it to me in a great big worthy hug whenever I needed it. Keep the love - Lengthen the tether and broaden the umbrella. He can dance off or not. The love is born from your beautiful heart and is yours.

**Posted by Mimi** April 24, 2019 8:41 am

Thank you all for your posts. dads-straight/journey, reading your story gives me hope for future. Thank you for sharing it.

Last edited by Mimi (April 29, 2019 4:10 pm)

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** April 25, 2019 8:23 am

I’m glad it’s helpful. .

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 25, 2019 10:01 am

Mimi,
By the end I concluded that his closet was indeed the most precious and necessary thing in his life to him. Certainly more precious and necessary than I was.

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 26, 2019 9:32 am

When my husband was pleading with me to change my mind, and he kept telling me how much he loved me, I finally pointed out to him: "Well apparently there was something you loved more." And he did actually concede that this was true. It was as close as he's ever gotten to acknowledging that he has compulsions that he can't control -- he refers to them as his "urges" but the proper term is "compulsions".