I’m so happy to have found this forum. Much like you all, I have been searching for proof, waiting for a confession, wondering if I’m crazy, reading books, asking friends... There’s never any kind of resolve. Please, any kind of insight or advice is welcome!
So I met my husband when he was 21 and I was 30. I already had a house and two children. He is Arab but born in the US. We connected one day at his place of work and he came off as kind of shy. We talked a bit and then I asked for his number. We started texting but he was kind of standoffish and shy. I could tell he was interested but wasn’t very expressive. We ended up hooking up and I thought it was going to be a one time thing. We kept texting though and soon after we began spending a lot of time together. I was the more expressive and sexual one though the sex was great! He never really seemed hungry for me but I thought that was part of his reserved nature and culture. Fast forward ten months later he says everyone at work was asking when he was going to marry me and he figured we should. We got married in the courthouse against his family’s wishes. We went on trips all the time, spent every Sunday out and about getting trying new restaurants. He was great with my kids. He was and is very mature. He doesn’t drink, drug, party etc. The only issue was that he wasn’t very demonstrative. He would never compliment me or tell me he loved me. He wouldn’t initiate sex. Sometimes I’d initiate and he’d turn me down. He said he didn’t have a big interest in sex and didn’t have a need to do it frequently. I later found some female porn on his phone and some pornstar names saved on his phone, all female. That stung because I wanted to have sex with him more frequently but I understood because it seems to be pretty normal for men to look at porn and crave variety. I just always wondered why he didn’t show more interest or desire in me in general. He had always said he didn’t like to text much and just wasn’t expressive because his family isn’t. Again, we spent so much time doing things together that I wasn’t too bothered.
Then this is where things get murky confusing and painful. He gets a new job about two years into the marriage and starts texting nonstop with one man from work. I found it odd considering that he hates texting. They start making gay jokes and he tells me him and this guy have so much in common. He buys a motorcycle and starts spending his Sundays not with me but with him riding out to seafood places etc. He won’t answer the phone when they’re together. All of that was not great for me but still okay until one day going through his phone I find a video of them messing around at work humping each other while other ppl look on laughing. I was disturbed but figured it was just guy locker room type stuff. Well I kept an eye on his phone and for the next two years the humping videos and gay jokes increased. He and the man were inseparable and texting constantly. The texts were so lively and flirtatious but never romantic or too overt. They’d say things like “I’m not coming to work I’m at the doctor.” “Make sure you’re not pregnant I don’t want no problems.” “Nah I’m good I can still stick it in your mexican ass” Then one day one msg from my husband said “Come in. I have a huge boner and the manager isn’t here” That is the closest thing to “proof” I could ever find. There has been no gay porn on his phone, nothing but female porn. During that time he also became increasingly abusive, calling me a whore when I’d ask for sex after two weeks. He began degrading me when I’d ask to hang out telling me to go get a hobby. When I’d cry he’d say to shut up before he kicks my ass. I’m wondering if anyone else has been emotionally and verbally abused by a closeted husband? He just seemed to come alive in his convos and interactions with men and never minded when they would touch him. He hates when I touch him, sleeps in another room, is never affectionate, won’t kiss on the mouth.. but when we do have sex it always stays up and he finishes quickly. He just never or rarely initiates. I’ve asked him before if he’s gay and he became furious and threatened me. I’ve noticed over the years his interest in women has become more masculine women, like Rhonda Roussey. Anyway, I almost left him and did find my own hobbies. At that point he vowed to change, changed jobs, and became more religious. We were doing well for awhile but his desire for me and intimacy never improved. Now there are two new men at his current job who he texts all the time, shares jokes and pictures with, speaks in a semi flirty way like “we’re all here missing our supervisor today” He just seems to be able and want to connect with men more on a personal intimate level. He has stopped all outings with me, wants nothing to do with my family or friends. Over time the hatred and resentment has grown to an unbearable level. He won’t share a bank account or let’s me see his phone. He keeps our lives very separated and rarely does things I ask of him though he’ll run out to help any of these men with what they need. He is extremely masculine works on cars etc. He yells that I always knew he just didn’t care much for sex and I need to leave him alone. He’s so cold, never affectionate but if he’s gay he’s so deeply in the closet he may not even realize it. I’m not sure if his behavior is more cultural or just typical abuser behavior or if there’s something more to this and he’s gay. Any insight is welcome!!