Hi,
I am new to the forum posting, discovered this network about 6 months ago. I am 45 years old and have been with my husband for 17 years, married for 7. When I was pregnant with our 13 year old, I found emails to some gay parties/vacations in his email, (originally by accident), felt lost then, like what??? I confronted him,  and he told me that when he was in college he had been a dancer, (I knew that) but once I confronted him he admitted that he danced for men, it paid more money and it wasn't a big deal. All this time I had thought ok he was a dancer never thinking men. We had many issues in our marriage of trust mostly my doubts, due to many different things through the years. Me feeling like he if he loved me would say it, act it, he has never told me he loves me, just says "me too". I have just accepted this way of life for my children, but knew I deserved to be loved, and see a healthy loving relationship. So fast forward to 6 months ago, I asked to use his phone for real to look on the internet and I saw "tumbir" on a page. I didn't say anything at the time, and looked it up later when alone. I saw it is a app, to connect. I then went onto his page one night when he was in the shower and saw all of these gay porn sites that he liked, and his history. I was sick..... Confronted him with this, he denied it, and then a few weeks later after things were not good with us, he asked me what was wrong I told him "how could he lie to me", he finally admitted that yes he had been on those sites, but was not gay. He deleted his account and told me he wanted to work on the marriage but would NOT go to counseling. Then the holidays came, and I put on a front for my kids, got sick and ended up in the hospital. He was so caring, and good to me that it didn't come up again. Until March, I was again looking on his phone and saw a search for masturbation videos.... I just don't trust him, and he has been so good, nice, to me, acting as though all is great with us, of course we have only had sex 2 times since September, I just don't try and initiate it as I always had done, and he NEVER initiates. Please be kind when giving me some feedback, I just need others thoughts who have been through similar.