OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why does a forum for straightspouses ask advice from a gay person

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 31, 2019 3:32 pm

Duped wrote:
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
It's a question I'm asking because even with reform and atonement I myself would still not ask advice from a person who had hurt another in the way he has.
And yet you choose to trust and believe and remain committed to someone who has broken your trust previously?

I think this thread is deliberately inflammatory and defunct.

Good point Duped. But Sean is a stranger to most, if not all...and the people asking him questions are strangers to him.
I've seen many a time on the forum "ask questions" I believe I've put this in the correct section. It would have been inflammatory if I'd posted it in Seans thread yes?

**Posted by Duped** March 31, 2019 4:33 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:30 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 31, 2019 6:01 pm

Duped wrote:
So now you are downgrading your question to ask why strangers ask a strange gay man for advice about all things gay that they don’t understand. Why not?? Weird question.
It wasn't a downgrade....it was a fleshing out of my comment. That's what discussion is all about

Much less harmful to them than staying in a relationship with a gay (bi) man who has lied and cheated and believing a single word that comes out of their mouth. There are many levels of bi....I'm dealing with what I have on MY level. I won't compare apples with oranges, that wouldn't be fair

Furthermore, what business is it of someone from the MOM section to question what non-MOM section people do here (haven’t we heard that continuously the other way around?) We can’t go there and give our penny worth but you can skip all around and say what you want.
I thought my question was okay for General Discussion. If I'd posted on the MOM board....I'd have been vilified..lol

**Posted by Duped** March 31, 2019 6:48 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 1:30 pm)

**Posted by lily** March 31, 2019 6:55 pm

yes, agree with Duped Ellexoh.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 31, 2019 7:09 pm

lily wrote:
yes, agree with Duped Ellexoh.

I've thought about asking the question for a while. It's a difficult one to ask, maybe some have wanted to ask before
but haven't because of the reaction.

But now I have asked it...I'm not going to curl up in a ball at the accusations of trolling.

**Posted by lily** March 31, 2019 10:52 pm

I don't think you're a troll, but you don't walk a straight line so there's no point in arguing a point with you either.

Sean has given a good answer in his thread if you want to read it. I very much fall in the category of wanting the corroboration of my perception - the validation that I will not get from my ex.

**Posted by JenS** April 1, 2019 7:39 am

Reasons for the success of Sean's long thread:

1. Sean is empathic towards straight spouses. He acknowledges their pain. This makes him a great resource for traumatized newcomers, just trying to get their bearings.
2. Sean is self-deprecating and acknowledges the pain and suffering he caused his wife while he was married and GID. He and his ex have divorced and he has come to terms with his sexuality and is no longer in the closet. That is a significant point of contrast to those who continue to perpetuate a deceit.
3. Sean is patient and willing to answer the same questions over and over again. Many contributors come and go from SSN but Sean has staying power.
4. Sean has boundaries. He stays (more or less) on the subject matter and doesn't stray (except occasionally) from his narrow area of expertise. He encourages straight spouses to look after themselves but doesn't get enmeshed. Sean stays on his assigned thread and doesn't try to leave his mark everywhere. I respect this.
5. Sean can take a punch. A lot of people would have packed their bags and left when things got too uncomfortable but Sean takes his lumps when he gets called out and he moves on. I respect him for this. This is part of the reason why the thread is so long.
6. Sean's thread is so long that it implicitly carries "expert status" simply by virtue of its length. If I was a newcomer to the forum, it would be a first stop for me.

Would SSN be better without Sean's voice and his thread? Would straight spouses have more answers and more clarity if Sean was no longer a contributor? I think that the answer to both questions is a resounding: no.

For me, Sean's thread was like a piece of driftwood that floated by when I was at risk of drowning following my ship going down at sea. I didn't want to be flailing about in the water but my ship was gone and I was going to grab anything I could to try to get stabilized and get my bearings. This is why I think that Sean has particular resonance with newcomers to the forum.

The (un)intended consequence of this question (i.e. why is Sean afforded "saint status"?), in my opinion, is that it is an implicit criticism of those who find solace and comfort in Sean's words. What does the initial post that started this thread say about the many individuals who find Sean's words helpful? Is it supposed to undermine their confidence or imbue them with further self-doubt? If so, why? Everyone here is at a different stage of a painful journey. Let's allow people to find help where they can and not judge people for that. Let's welcome multiple voices, with different perspectives, in recognition of the fact that what helps one person may not help another.

Last edited by JenS (April 1, 2019 2:14 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 1, 2019 1:21 pm

JenS wrote:
...... Let's welcome multiple voices, with different perspectives, in recognition of the fact that what helps one person may not help another.

Exactly. I am a voice. I asked a question from a different perspective.

**Posted by JenS** April 1, 2019 2:11 pm

I was pleased to answer your question, to the best of my ability.