OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Accept?

**Posted by Married30yrs** March 29, 2019 10:55 am

I am on a very scary emotional roller coaster since Feb 24th. I have asked my husband what does he see as me accepting him?! All I keep getting is "to be able to laugh about it at some point". WTF??? I found he looked at trans and guy pictures on Reddit a couple of days ago. AFTER he PROMISED not to look at porn. Personally, I think a half naked trans and then a guy naked holding his "prized possession" in his hands would qualify as PORN. He said that he didn't "go out looking for it" It came across his "ALL Feed" but yet he CLICKED on the pictures.
He still is "unsure" about his "label" because he doesn't think he needs one. He is perfectly fine with HIS feelings. But yet he says that he's not sure if any of this is real or maybe a midlife crisis. So what does it mean to accept him? Does it mean I have to be ok with him looking these awful pictures? Or other forms of porn? As of right now....it makes me sick to think about. I am consumed with the thoughts & pictures in my head of him having sexual acts online in those stupid chat rooms.
Can I live my life with my head in the sand and hope & pray I don't stumble upon this again? Can I ask him to ignore these thoughts for survival of our marriage?
HELP??? My therapy sessions are not working fast enough....

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** March 29, 2019 12:49 pm

Married 30 Years
You might want to also post in on the "support" section on the site

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 29, 2019 1:16 pm

It's been a little over two years since I had the "I want to explore my bi side" email.
The biggest lesson I've learned is that by focusing on our partners, making this about them and thinking it's US that has to bow down and accept something that goes against every fibre of our being...that we almost convince ourselves I that it's US that has to do the work. US who has to 'accept'. US that should spend our time angsting and overthinking. Why?

We're not wanting to change the parameters, we haven't wanted to change the dynamics.
It's him. He must make the choice. But in making it be has to realise it's not how you wish to live your life. And you have to realise that him choosing to please himself will be choosing something over what he has with you.
So Married430...you're going to have to be even stronger, and tell him this is not what you want.

Remember when our children were little and they wanted something but weren't allowed it...so they'd throw a monumental tantrum...and we'd give in, then kick ourselves for doing so because that's not how you learn boundaries?

**Posted by Married30yrs** March 29, 2019 8:22 pm

OutofHisCloset - I have, thanks

Ellexoh_nz - Thank you! Yes...exactly...I did not WANT this and still don't. Are you still with your spouse? If so, what parameters were/ are ok with?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 29, 2019 10:19 pm

I had to log off partway through my last reply....lol

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Remember when our children were little and they wanted something but weren't allowed it...so they'd throw a monumental tantrum...and we'd give in, then kick ourselves for doing so because that's not how you learn boundaries?

....well if your mind is set on how you want your life to be, and you have a husband saying "but I want this"...which would ultimately change your life....and you don't want to live your life that way.....you simply have to tell him that.

Married30yrs wrote:
Ellexoh_nz - Thank you! Yes...exactly...I did not WANT this and still don't. Are you still with your spouse? If so, what parameters were/ are ok with?

Yes we are still together....he knows how I feel. I told him "if that is what you want then go....you'll be doing it without me"
He said "That's okay for the 5% of the time but I'd miss us...and the things we do together"
So he is prepared to forgo that part of himself.
I'm not okay with any of it....but this new way of life is, will be I think, always evolving so I haven't set any parameters but do expect honesty if ever he decides to waver

**Posted by vicky** April 2, 2019 9:37 am

Hi Married,

Telling him he can't look at porn just means he'll look at it behind your back. He's had a lifetime of this and finds all of his behaviour very normal, he's going to have a hard time seeing it from your perspective. My advice is to think f$#k him and do your own thing. Let him do what he's going to do, go out and take care of yourself, go shopping, hiking, fishing, whatever it is you like to do and focus on yourself. The immediate results will be that you will feel better, but longer term you'll be able to think more clearly about what to do. Give yourself some time to think whether you're willing to accept this side of him and yes eventually laugh about it.

Vicky

**Posted by Tyurk** April 20, 2019 2:43 pm

I have set those guidelines on my husband. And so far he has about 4 months no gay or tranny porn. Its ok to set that guideline and leave if it is broken. I plan to.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 20, 2019 3:35 pm

Married30years.....how are you? I haven't been been commenting on the forum for a few weeks, but have been reading it and wondered about your journey. I hope you are well.

My life is changing in, it seems....small increments except one, I now have the security of proceeds from my mothers estate sitting safely in my bank account, not accessible to my partner.
Next I'm planning on a change of my Will

**Posted by Married30yrs** May 28, 2019 2:54 pm

This is SO hard. He is SUPPOSE to be figuring out what he "wants" so I can then say yes or no. Two things so far...1) he "wants" for me not to get angry every time we go out thinking he is checking out every guy that walks by. 2) Not to get angry about TV shows for the same reason. So...I THINK could do this once I can trust him. A couple of weeks ago, got into a HUGE fight an his lusting was a big part of that fight. Well, he actually showed some emotion and slammed his hands on the kitchen counter an told me....:"Yah, I want to fuck them" GOD....that statement makes me SICK!!!! He regrets he said it because I do bring it up. I know he was slashing out but he does think it. I can NOT wrap my ha around how that can be OK for any marriage. I have asked him to ignore these thoughts. Asked him which is more important? "THAT" or me/ our marriage?
Heading to couples therapy at 5pm today. Prayers & good thoughts would be appreciate.

**Posted by Married30yrs** May 28, 2019 3:00 pm

Does anyone have a marriage (Bi husband) that worked and it is NOT open?