OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Putting the pieces together

**Posted by Still Wondering** September 1, 2016 6:00 pm

Well said, Rob. You see....THIS is why I keep coming here. Reading everyone's comments gives me so much wisdom and strength. Even almost four years after divorce there are reasons to come here. My future is still unknown too. I still have no idea where exactly I'm going. Helping tell my journey to new people on this site still helps me heal. But also, reading words of wisdom from everyone reminds me that even though I don't know exactly where I'm going, I'm still on the right path.

**Posted by JJ1966** September 2, 2016 9:22 am

Never...or a least not yet.....hang in there.

**Posted by Rob** September 5, 2016 8:48 pm

Hey thanks for the kind words.

I was alone today and yes the loneliness can come crashing down on one.

But then I remembered the horrible abuse and how I longed for a safe haven. I locked the doors, set the alarm, and just liked feeling safe. No one hurting me. No shaking on the couch clutching my bible and pillow.

So yes I'm adrift and my future is unknown but I'm safe. I'm away from my abuser. And that I thank God for.

**Posted by Emma** September 6, 2016 11:13 am

Did any of you confide in a friend or family member? I feel so lonely and isolated with all of these thoughts and no one to share the burden with

**Posted by phoenix** September 6, 2016 11:27 am

Emma wrote:
Did any of you confide in a friend or family member? I feel so lonely and isolated with all of these thoughts and no one to share the burden with

I've confided with my family and a few friends. I refuse to punish myself and isolate myself for an evil that I didn't cause or bring up on myself. My spouse has had years to prepare for this.. I didn't. I'm learning some definitions for "being kind to myself" and one of those things is to not care if i offend my spouse in my efforts to help myself get through this pain and grief. I don't owe her the favor of keeping her secret. I won't intentionally harm her by revealing it to "her" friends or family. But I won't make my own life more difficult by keeping it from people who are valuable support for me.

**Posted by whatasham24** September 6, 2016 4:24 pm

Emma wrote:
Did any of you confide in a friend or family member? I feel so lonely and isolated with all of these thoughts and no one to share the burden with

Emma, you MUST share your heart & concerns with someone you know will be able to listen to you, without judgment & help lift u up. I held it all in, not telling a single sole for 24 yrs!!! Imagine what that does to a person's confidence & spirit. I finally let it all out to my sister. A good, solid BFF can do the same. Women are the best therapists around. 2 hrs of coffee time & i feel so much lighter and usually end off on some laughter.

Of course come here often & take the time to read through as many threads as possible. I have copy/pasted so many GREAT quotes and advice from here, all in one word file so I can easily reference when I need a reminder I'm not crazy, this isn't my fault & there IS light at the end. I would never be able to remember all the highlites at this point of my scrambled & depleted brain.

**Posted by JJ1966** September 12, 2016 12:32 pm

I am beginning to wonder if my bh is actually gid? After everything else, I am starting to see some really "out there" behavior. He went to school for massage therapy, and has now applied to a homeopathic med school that is across country. He has been talking about going out there first so he can get things set up. Don't worry I'm not completely crazy, I know he's not coming back. I grew up in a family where you married for better or worse. I won't make him leave, but I can't make him stay. I am ready for him to leave, have been for a while. I will worry about what comes next later, it will definitely be a sh**t st**m, but I am honestly too tired to care.

Anyway, how common is it for a husband to come out as bi to his wife, only after being caught with no way to lie his way out, and really turn out to be gay? I know, this is a question I shouldn't even have to ask. But has anyone else gone thru this?

**Posted by John** September 12, 2016 1:25 pm

Dear JJ-

I suggest putting yourself First and no longer dwell on what your mixed up GID is / might Do. Focus on what You Want. Your situation of a GID spouse moving away cross county would be Heaven sent intervention for the many Str8s who can’t figure out how to scraoe their down low partner off of the bottom of their shoe. So, rather than mourning, perhaps delight in this golden opportunity to end your one-sided relationship with your GID vampire ? Then, recover yourself and make the most of the rest of your life?

Looking back across the same, but now past, confusion and pain in my life, I was Blessed when my GIDX wife of 36 years gayly jumped at the opportunity to live her golden years with younger women teachers she was having great sex with. She moved out. I changed the locks. Now, I shrug, ‘No fool like an old fool.’

Similar story from Chump Lady: "I have a friend who got rid of her whackadoodle husband by letting him think his insane ideas were great. He was chaotic and moved them all over the country for his crazy schemes. One day he decided that he wanted to be an Alaskan fisherman. She said, “That’s fine! Why don’t you go off to Alaska, and I’ll stay here and settle things and join you in a bit?” He ran off to the salmon boats in Juneau. She packed everything up, moved out on him, and filed. (True story!) Sometimes it’s better just to let them have it — you make your escape." http://www.chumplady.com/2015/10/do-it-yourself-mediation-is-for-suckers/

If this appeals to you, don’t allow time for him to reconsider. GIDs shopping their own kind have many false starts, rejects and toss backs. “Q. What does a lesbian take on her 4th date? A Uhaul trailer to move her things home again.”

Certainly avoid toughing out more years while he searches for himself / Mr Right, while based in the comfy closet you (the Str8 spouse) support. Your situation will be much brighter when: 1. He’s out and away, 2. You can chart course for a better life.

Advice: 1) Assemble your professional lawyer, therapist, doctor team, 2) Get him out and away so your sympathy, home and finances aren’t recycled as refuge between mixed up affairs. And 3) Close divorce before passions cool.

You have a brilliant new life ahead just beyond your 1) understanding, 2) acceptance, and 3) hard work.

Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.

Best wishes for a fabulous future.

- John

**Posted by whatasham24** September 12, 2016 7:01 pm

JJ,
I think it's very common. I think they are easing themselves into their truth as much as their partners & family. My own husband has gone from casual cross dresser>75% of life cross dresser>non-binary/trans>part time trans>75%trans....now investigating HRT & surgery. Who knows what he's been up to sexually, all these years as the last 4 items on his course have been uncovered by me snooping, not from his respectful & honest disclosure.

Not to diminish your pain & crisis, but YOU'VE BEEN HANDED THE GOLDEN TICKET!

Enjoy your sweet escape,
Sham

**Posted by JJ1966** September 13, 2016 10:16 am

right now it doesn't much feel like a golden ticket