OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Does it really matter if they admit it

**Posted by Nuked2018** February 3, 2019 5:38 pm

So my first post. At the end of the day, does it really matter if we get them to admit to TGT. This has been my quest for the last year and a half. I wanted validation I guess. I have a lying, deceitful, sneaky, abusive, addicted a$$hole of a husband. He has done the most outrageous things including all the usual stuff and then setting up a meetup with a guy while sitting right next to me, hookup sites, gay beaches and so on.. and then lies straight faced about all of it, the king of the Gaslighters. I don't know why I think I would feel better if he just admitted it 🙄

**Posted by Mimi** February 3, 2019 6:31 pm

Nuked,

I hear you. I’ve seen it all and I’m still here waiting for him to admit. But remember, this is the way they like it to be. They don’t want to be out. You are the perfect beard. he’s living the marriage he wants, are you? ask yourself what marriage means to you and what you want from a relationship. If you’re not getting that, then that’s enough to leave. I know people who end up staying in MOM and are fine with it. But if it’s not fine with you, do something. I’m saying this to myself too. I think we need them to admit so we can leave in peace and it’ll be their fault for the marriage to end. But we’re not in peace while staying either.

**Posted by Violated** February 3, 2019 7:38 pm

Nuked, I was on a mission for the truth for a year. Just like you I wanted validation I wanted full disclosure. After 44 years, of marriage, I deserved the truth. What I ended up getting was lies, and more lies. Gaslighting. But I knew enough of the truth, his actions showed me who he truly was. For 43 years of my marriage, I was happy, my husband was the "perfect Husband." And then I discovered TGT (gay porn, hepatic b diagnosis, gay bar searches on his computer). When I confronted him, he lied, and told me so many variations of the truth. But I reached the point, it just no longer mattered. He even lies about things that are insignificant. He is a broken man, I can't fix him. I knew I was just done.

My divorce was final January 10, one year after discovery. He moves out in April. I love him, but I love myself more. He can not give me truth and honesty. I try not to focus on anger.....but I do have sadness......overwhelming sadness. But I have to move on....onward.

**Posted by Nuked2018** February 3, 2019 8:38 pm

Thank you Mimi an Violated..
I have been with him 30 years and it's just such a sickening disaster. I'm currently at my daughters while he's in the house. I basically ran for my sanity a couple months ago. I felt like I was losing my mind after the last round of shinnanigans with the new on line hook ups. This has been going on for several years and we were separated the first time, I bought into his BS and renewed our vows and then within less than a year he was back at it and I have hung in there for another year and a half. I am going to be moving toward divorce coming this Spring I think, try to make a new life for myself.. I am another example of how MOMs don't work I am now 60 it's a bitter pill to swallow. Of course he is waiting for me to pull the plug so I can can be blamed because he is not gay, never acted in anything etc etc and on and on...

**Posted by walkbymyself** February 3, 2019 10:16 pm

Nuked, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I wouldn’t waste time getting him to acknowledge what he’s doing. You told him you were on to him, so he knows that you know. It doesn’t matter whether he admits to it.

**Posted by Lizzy** February 4, 2019 1:22 am

Nuked, I so understand you, after 25 years of marriage, I found out my husband is gay, but he won't admit it, it hurts me more!

**Posted by phoenix** February 4, 2019 8:36 am

Hi Nuked,

Welcome to our group. I'm glad you found us.

I think you ask a great question. Honestly, I think the answer is hard. It's a YES and a NO.

-I think NO because those of us who have gotten to this point know that the marriage isn't working and the partner isn't a good spouse. There is a lack of trust and significant lack of communication and many other things that make the relationship bad, so the fact that they are gay or bi or trans isn't really required for the person to make the decision to move on with their life. Those who can make this decision to move forward do so with strength and conviction.

- I think YES because it helps with our mental state. I see so many people who cling to their marriage due to fear and uncertainty. They stay for years longer than they should because they feel they need proof to make the decision. They torment themselves and lock themselves into their own closet. They focus so much on that one thing and obsess over it. They may have even left their spouse, but are stuck and can't heal and move forward because of this looming question.

As for YOUR story. You definitely don't need him to say it to you out loud. You've seen more than enough proof in his actions. He is definitely gay because he does all the things that closeted gay men do. He is gay because he goes to gay beaches, has gay hookup internet profiles, etc.. There is no doubt. You know the truth.

I hope you can find peace despite the lack of his clear admission. You know the truth and you should not waiver on this. Keep moving forward with your life. We are here to support you. Stick around and share your journey.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** February 4, 2019 9:08 am

I think Phoenix is quite right to point out that it is more a question of mental state. It is easy to say to myself: the lying, cheating, and passive aggressive abuse (etc.!) is more than enough to justify moving on. It's the feeling that I am going crazy when he shows up at another school event being all chummy and charming, as though nothing at all has happened--that;s what I want to be rid of, that's why I would like proof. I swear, he sounds exactly like he did when we were married, performs the same charming moves in front of others. And all I can think is: does no one else see this treachery? And of course the answer is no, because so few other people know. It's that feeling that I would most like to banish--the surreal feeling that I am totally isolated, living in my own reality that no one else shares. I hate that, and wish there was proof for all to see, but -- that seems like an unlikely outcome, so I will have to work on finding a way to rid myself of that crazy feeling on my own.

Good luck! We are thinking of you!

**Posted by Daryl** February 4, 2019 9:42 am

Estella, that sounds very much like the playbook of the toxic narcissist. Master performers when in the spotlight. Privately or when you don't fall under their spell, a much different side emerges.

**Posted by Abby** February 4, 2019 11:14 am

I think the most wonderful phrase is "Whatever s/he is s/he isn't for me." When you can say that to yourself you are acknowledging that there have been enough bad behaviors and/or lack of love and intimacy that you are not going to expend any more energy on being his or her spouse or partner. It isn't about what s/he is but about who you are. Your name isn't "Dammit" anymore and you don't want to be doing what I call "bitch control" to avoid or placate anger however expressed. Your life no longer revolves around him or her. Carpe diem!