Hey Someone,
   Good that you found us and have a place to tell you story and to unload the conflicting feelings and self-doubts.  Sometimes just writing it down for someone else to read helps bring a little clarity.
   What you've said about your fears and your experience is likely to ring true for many of us, whether we're in your specific situation (lesbian wife) or not, because a lot of our spouses' behavior follows a pattern.  For example, your wife minimizing her cheating on you with a woman as ok but refusing to open the marriage for you.  It's also not unusual for the gay/lesbian/trans spouse to leave the leaving to us, although they are making it clear to us they are not committed to us or the marriage.  But I'm sure some of the men on the site will soon engage with you about their experiences and feelings, and what you might expect to see or have to do.
   I can say, though, that yes, living in the situation you're in does you psychological damage; and no, you are not "too damaged" for a future relationship and might as well stay where you are.  I'll also say that I have read elsewhere that although our default is often to stay for the kids, we need to reframe that as LEAVE for the kids.  They are marinating in the toxic atmosphere in your home; they see the dynamic between you.  It would be a good thing for you to consult with a lawyer just to find out what your options are likely to be should you initiate divorce.  

I am so sorry to read this, and I know the awful feelings you mention--the anger, the sadness, the depression at just wanting to be loved, and also the weirdness of wondering if I can ever feel loved--or ever open myself up to physical or emotional love again.  The fear of losing my children. And more.

I want to say--super duper important!  I am a very even tempered person. Really:  just very patient and even.  However, the stress of just trying to hold things together--to pretend--sometimes I lose it and I burst out.  I yell.  I lose my temper.  It is all out of proportion.  I yelled at my adult daughter one day--it was such a hard moment.  I apologized to her afterward.  But it did some damage to our relationship.  Meanwhile, I had to just eat it and explain, "I was messed up."  After all, it really was me who lost my temper.  I am also dropping the ball and letting my younger kids down in some ways, like getting them shoes that fit their growing feet, following up on school things, etc.  I end up apologizing to them a lot.  And to people I work with, etc.  The stress of feeling the full pain of it all, and then being alone in that stress, and not being able to explain why--it just adds to the stress.

SO--and I know I don't know you and I do not mean to in any way seem judgemental.  This all comes from concern for you:  What really really concerns me about your message is how you feel sometimes like being physically violent.  I am NOT saying you have a problem.  I think it is awesome how you are managing.  And I absolutely relate because I am having a hard time keeping myself together.  It is so so so hard.  However, I am also worried for you.  If you ever cross that line--with your wife, or with your kids--then your wife has this to use against you.  It is like we tell our kids at school--it doesn't matter how much that other kid was teasing you, if you hit that kid, then you will be the one that the system sees as the problem.  I saw this happen in two relationships in my neighborhood: The spouse who was having an affair angered the unsuspecting spouse, set them off, and then the unsuspecting spouse lost control, and the affair spouse called the police.  In one of the cases, it appeared that the husband actually set up his wife on purpose, and she (tiny thing) slapped him (big guy), and he as part of his plan quickly called the police.  She was removed from her home and children, and the man's affair partner moved in, and it took a few months for the mom to be back in her home with her young children and get the husband out.  So:  things eventually went well for the woman but it was gut wrenching. For the other neighbor, where it was the man who lost his temper, though--things did not go so well for him.  There are biases in our system.  Please please take care of yourself and find ways to be absolutely sure you keep calm, especially physically.  Have a plan to leave the room.  Find a counselor right away.  Consult with a lawyer right away.  Find a friend to confide in right away.  This should help you feel less trapped and ease the stress somewhat.  And I again apologize if I seem to be judging you. 
 

just curious - why do you feel the girlfriend is being worse than your wife?

I relate to the horrible feelings about it, when I woke up to my ex being gay in denial it wasn't long before I realised he wasn't the only one.  Our closest friends, when we were young and getting married were a couple who were a closet bi/lesbian and the man my ex fell in love with as a teenager.  They all had a shared past.  Not me.  And somehow neither of them ever felt like asking me did I know my ex was gay?  It was horrible to realise that.  Didn't they care about me at all?

Denial doesn't mean don't know it means not telling and it seems to be just the way they are.  A sort of unquestioning self-entitlement.  Don't burst my bubble my ex would complain if I wanted to push for a talk.

Just take it step by step and work out what your options are bit by bit - take time to think about it all.  Even though you're not feeling ready for it yet, you can still have a good future.

wishing you all the best, Lily

All the options suck because they involve some sort of sacrifice. On the other hand think about the outcomes? Some choices mean 'more of the same' while others offer new possibilities.

There are some people here who have moved on into honest relationships. Some of us are still looking but I'd venture to say that we'd all agree we are in a much better place as 'solo' than we were as a couple. I know I am.

Be well.

 

JustSomeone11, thank you for your post. This is my first post. I am three weeks removed from DDay myself and our stories are eerily similar. My wife and I just had our 13th wedding anniversary last week, together for almost 20 years (high school sweethearts) with four kids (12, 10, 8, 7).  My wife had a two year affair (10/16-8/18) with her best friend, a vibrant person who we spent nearly every weekend with for the last three years. We were so intertwined that I viewed our families as a team and I encouraged our families to be together because I knew how happy my wife was to finally be out of the little kid stage and have a meaningful adult friendship. I encouraged girl trips. They got small matching tattoos. I cooked for them during slumber parties. I took our families camping. I even paid for the other woman to bring her two kids on our family vacation and now look back in disgust as my wife slept in her room for 3 nights. Your reference to concerts and festivals hit home for me as this was also what we did together when we were able to get away from kids, highlights of the last two years now ruined by the discovery. I feel so duped, so betrayed. I discovered the affair because I found a journal hidden in our guest room which was essentially a transcript of texts between them during the first four months of the relationship. It was graphic sexually but also showed how capable my wife was in expressing love and her desire. This is language I haven’t seen in a looooong time, if ever, and something I so desperately wanted from her. They discussing secret rendezvous, the build-up of excitement, then the summary of events afterwards and looking forward to the next encounter. Oh how I would have been so interested in doing this with my wife. I’ve never gotten a sext or nude; nothing...grocery lists, complaints, family stuff.  Similar to you I had spent the last three years “working on myself” trying to recalibrate work-life balance, trying so hard to connect and be present. I moved my office closer to home, would come home for lunch, was more active in family life hoping to get on her radar. It turns out it only allowed her more free time to meet with this woman. Like you I also feel very betrayed by the other woman, my friend, drinking buddy and sometime consultant on my marriage. I thought I could trust her and asked her for advice on my marriage, gifts for my wife and i was honest about how much I loved my wife and wanted to have a good marriage. I was feeding my enemy secrets and she capitalized on it. Looking back, I enjoyed her company a lot and I am in disbelief that she did this as much as I can’t believe my wife did either. I’m so sad about the whole thing. My wife is saying she is likely gay and I think she will eventually come out. The genie is out of the bottle. I believe that will eventually lead to our separation and divorce.  My wife seems only sad for the potential loss in utility and the fact she has blown up our marriage/family. I have yet to get any form of meaningful apology. While it doesn’t matter, I talk occasionally with the other husband to compare notes to make sure we are getting honest answers and the other woman sounds like she is genuinely trying to save her marriage and I am somewhat jealous of that. I guess I’m sad that I got the gay spouse and not the “regretful, I’ll do anything” spouse. What a horrible situation. This past weekend she told her family and I told my dad; it was good to bring other people into the story and I felt relief that others felt betrayed by her actions. Her family is being very harsh on her as they are not very accepting of gays, which is likely why she was closeted in the first place. Like you, I fear for my kids.  I don’t want them to be displaced...made fun of....confused. lts so sad. I am hopeful they will be okay and glad to hear many positive stories. I’m just an absolute mess and it has crushed my productivity at work and I’m just numb. I understand it’s part of the process but just sucks having to go through it. I would normally steer around my feelings, again something I have been working on “staying in my feels”, but damn this is brutal. I am talking to a therapist and this forum has been very helpful.  I know that feeling of not having anyone to talk to and I’m glad to finally make this post as I feel better getting thoughts out of my head.

Phoenix, thank you for your posts throughout this site. And to others who post. They are read and appreciated.