OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do I tell him how I feel?

**Posted by Shan13** January 23, 2019 1:22 am

It’s only been 5 days since we split, still in the same house different rooms... I have so much to say but I just don’t know if I should, will it just make things even worse? We’re not fighting and I do t want to become an angry person

**Posted by lily** **Online!** January 23, 2019 6:14 am

there's nothing wrong with a bit of righteous wrath but there's no point in dishing it up unless you have a clear feeling it will help you, better to use the anger to benefit yourself - set yourself up in a new life. He won't gain anything from it and he won't give anything back in return. The view I took was he doesn't deserve my anger - it's like throwing good money after bad. He trashed your love he will trash your anger too.

I was worried about being an angry person too but you know once you are starting out in a new life it's not like you're going to be angry with other people - it's specific to the circumstance.

Having said all that, yes there has to be a period where you need to express your angry feelings verbally and stir the pot a bit and this is a great place for that, we understand and it doesn't last, it's called processing I think!

welcome to the forum you will be okay again, promise, all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (January 23, 2019 6:15 am)

**Posted by Shan13** January 23, 2019 6:35 am

Thank you

**Posted by Estella Oculus** January 23, 2019 6:56 am

Welcome, Shan--I just wanted to chime in to say I think Lily is spot on. I did let myself blow up a couple of times in very specific circumstances to my spouse, and it accomplished what it needed to (mostly to make him leave the house) but otherwise, the anger is better used as fuel to get solid things accomplished on your end (self-care, research needed to make plans to divorce or whatever you decide). I mean, it's hard to believe in the early stages, and even some days hard to believe for me (1.5 years post-discovery), but they aren't listening to us anyway. Their needs and wants consume their entire thought processes, and my experience is that my STBX can't even spend a second actually listening to and empathizing with me before he starts in on why I'm wrong or some attempt to flip and make this all my fault. It's just crazymaking, and it is better for us (and perhaps for you) to keep this cordial facade and a kind of peace by just not addressing anything.

However--definitely tell a therapist, a trusted friend, family, etc. about your anger. Also, I spent a lot of time outdoors, literally telling (out loud) the rocks, trees, ocean, pond, grass... anything at all... about my anger and sense of injustice about the situation. Talking to the natural world really helped me--I'm sure I seemed like a crazy loon, but it was wonderful to let it all out and watch it float away.

Sending you virtual hugs. We know how frustrating and sad it is.

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 23, 2019 6:56 am)

**Posted by Estella Oculus** January 23, 2019 7:34 am

My forays into the woods and on the water, and shouting at the birds, bugs, and other creatures, were inspired by this poem (line breaks are all messed up, but you get the idea):

The Poet With His Face in His Hands

You want to cry aloud for your mistakes. But to tell the truth the world doesn't need any more of that sound.

So if you're going to do it and can't stop yourself, if your pretty mouth can't hold it in, at least go by yourself across

the forty fields and the forty dark inclines of rocks and water to the place where the falls are flinging out their white sheets

like crazy, and there is a cave behind all that jubilation and water-fun and you can stand there, under it, and roar all you

want and nothing will be disturbed; you can drip with despair all afternoon and still, on a green branch, its wings just lightly touched

by the passing foil of the water, the thrush, puffing out its spotted breast, will sing of the perfect, stone-hard beauty of everything.

Hope you have a good day.

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 23, 2019 7:41 am)

**Posted by Shan13** January 23, 2019 8:09 am

Thanks heaps for your responses, I’m not really a internet user so I’m trying to catch up... I think today I realised just how selfish he really is he hasn’t even shed a tear for my pain he hasn’t even worried about his 3 young children but he has shed a tear for himself when he half heartedly admitted he mite like guys... the lies so so many lies, I do everything, I try so hard! How dare he!!!
I have also had a pretty rough childhood, took me about 10 years to get over that, I was so angry... I have just got myself into a good place... 15 years a 8 year old 5 year old twins and I’m shattered all over again, we moved to a small country town for work and I have no friends or family here... who does that? seriously??? I was so loyal... I feel like he has relieved his pain and pasted it onto me! How cruel!!!
I seen the doctor today to get a referral to talk to someone and I have a mental health assessment in a couple of days... I can’t do it alone again.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** January 23, 2019 8:15 am

I am so glad to hear you are getting some help from professionals! I did the same, and it was extremely helpful to me. Hope the sessions are good and give you some ideas for next steps and some peace -- take care and keep us posted. We are here for you!

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 23, 2019 8:16 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 23, 2019 2:37 pm

Shan13 wrote:
It’s only been 5 days since we split, still in the same house different rooms... I have so much to say but I just don’t know if I should, will it just make things even worse? We’re not fighting and I do t want to become an angry person

I'm sure you're not fighting because you're not talking about it.
When you can say to yourself...."This is no longer a secret *I* should have to keep and these are thoughts I will no longer keep to myself" ...you'll open up. The worst thing we can do is keep it inside us.

**Posted by Shan13** January 23, 2019 4:53 pm

The first couple of days we were talking, I done a lot of talking... he said I don’t know a lot... and I cried a lot for our married and my best friend... now the fog has clear alittle and I’m piecing more things together, Im angry that he thinks it’s ok to do that to someone, that’s not love! I just wasn’t sure how much I should unload, but I just really wanna tell him right off... I wasn’t as lost yesterday and wasn’t babying him, he was sulking all afternoon because of it... WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!!!!!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 23, 2019 5:03 pm

Shan13 wrote:
....... WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!!!!!

He's a man with a secret who can't hold it inside himself. Remember...the more you know....the better your hold on everything that's happening. The space between you both (separate bedrooms) is a good idea