OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Anyone have experiences with staying together?

**Posted by Brassyhub** November 5, 2018 7:41 am

YazPistachio, thanks for your thoughts and questions. I'm pretty sure that seeking desire somewhere outside my marriage, our relationship, would simply spell the end of that relationship. We did see a therapist together some years back, when she first came out, and since then I've had a number of therapists. But no-one at present. I'll look up the link that you sent. I do already, often, try to feel really, genuinely grateful for the good things that I DO have, that we can enjoy together. We live in a place of great natural beauty. We have nature all around us, a garden, wild deer often and close...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 8, 2018 1:30 pm

This thread has been going for a while now yet the member who started it hasn't posted for 11 months.

I often wonder how he is

**Posted by JT** December 20, 2018 11:05 am

It is disheartening when we don't get updates or closure on the situations that people on this board are going through. I truly hope the best for everyone who has had to go through this sort of thing.

**Posted by Brassyhub** December 21, 2018 3:48 am

I'm not at all sure that 'closure' is possible, at least in our case, for my wife and myself. This is what we have to make the best of until the end of our road... Christmas is not an easy time of the year for me, for us. So many un-met prayers and promises.

**Posted by Zoso** December 21, 2018 8:21 am

I am struggling with the thought of staying together. Right now that was what I want more then anything, probably due to the fear of an unknown future as much as how much I still love my wife. The thought of not being together tears at my heart. We are both relatively young I guess, I’m 51 she’s 38. The thought of living a non physical relationship for the rest of my life, I don’t feel I should have to deprive myself of being wanted or desired. I don’t think I could handle an open marriage. I am not wired that way. I guess in the end, separation is the only real path forward, I can’t belive I just said that. Divorce is a whole different subject, it is just so
Permanent and I’m still in the “ what if” stage in thinking.

**Posted by JT** December 21, 2018 10:09 am

Zoso,
I know how you feel. So far I continue to get to the logical conclusion that separation is inevitable, but then something will happen or a day will go by and I'll allow myself to be hopeful that maybe things will work out. The sad fact that even if we agree to stay in a non-physical or open marriage, the stats are stacked against us and the gay spouse will likely end up leaving anyway.

**Posted by Brian'sGirl** December 31, 2018 6:25 am

Not sure what 2019 will bring, there just are no guarantees. my husband and I spent Christmas Eve with our Children and Grandchildren and then travelled and spent Christmas Day with his "Special Friend." Pretty odd, RIGHT? He and his friend visit about every three months and, "YES," they usually do have sexual relations although they term it as "play,' since they do not have penetration. My husband and his friend are both survivors of sexual abuses as children and are not comfortable with that part of a relationship. Brian and I have a healthy sexual relationship that works for us. Due to my many surgeries I have a lot of scar tissue and sometimes there is much pain, although He is very patient and caring. We are not above exploring and talking about what works and what doesn't. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I feel that I cannot hold hm back from hving sexual relations with his friend. We are still very open and I ask a lot of questions. At times my insecurities get the best of me but we are still committed to our marriiage and relationship. We are fiercely protective of each other and our goal is to stay together. Perhaps I am naive in wanting to think this can continue, but I am going in to 2019 with a positive attitude and hopes that our marriage, our family can continue on!

**Posted by Brian'sGirl** January 1, 2019 9:51 am

Happy New Year Everyone! I don't kno what 2019 holds for me, for us, my marriage and family, Bur, I am just taking each day as it comes. I wish you ll the best and hope 2019 treats you kind!

**Posted by gonzo2000** January 2, 2019 12:23 pm

Wow! I am really impressed that some of you have been able to maintain your relationships within MOMs. I often wish I could have done likewise. However, my GID insisted on "exploring his homosexual feelings" and suggested he do so, in our home! With 2 children, I could not have coped with the duality.
In the book, My Husband Is Gay, Carol Grever, stated that she & her husband did try to maintain a MOM. Communication, trust, and honesty were imperative.
No advice, because my experience is very different. But I do admire you...

**Posted by HeyJupiter** January 5, 2019 11:48 pm

DoingMyBest - I’m the straight spouse in a 10 year marriage. My husband came out a month ago. We are not sure yet what we are going to do. He’s not sure what he wants either as he has just come to the realization that he is gay while in therapy. We are also in couples counseling. He’s said things like ‘I can see myself in a relationship with a man’ to ‘maybe i’ll Just be celibate’. He has no idea how to navigate the gay ‘scene’. He is not tech savvy and a little socially awkward. Smart and handsome, but just not the social butterfly.

Oh, so my question or aspect of MOMs I’m curious about is that MOMs seem to also include sex between straight spouse and gay partner. Not sure how that is. My husband and I stopped having sex awhile ago. I didn’t communicate my needs very clearly - I mentioned I wanted him to consider taking something for ED, but didn’t press the subject. Not that we wouldn’t do other things, but that was important to me.
So, just curious how gay partners continue to have sex with straight partners.

DoingMyBest wrote:
I'm the straight spouse in a 35 year marriage. My husband came out to me almost 15 years ago. At that time we both decided that we wanted to do whatever we could to stay married while at the same time making sure that we were both having our needs met. We've gone from monogamous to open on both sides and touched on lots of variations in between, had lots of ups and downs, pain and tears. Our relationship has changed and evolved many, many times over the years but we are still committed and glad to be together.

Marriage counseling was a big help for us, even though our counselor had no experience with MOMs and acted as if we were crazy for trying. But it gave us a neutral space to discuss our marriage and figure out what we wanted and needed. It was especially helpful for me because I have a hard time expressing myself when I get emotional and the therapist was great at helping me get the words out.