Estella: how old is your son?

I don't like to disagree with his therapist, who knows the situation far more comprehensively than I do, but I don't think it's a good idea to gloss over the gay aspect of this.  

One related issues I've picked up on, at least with my own situation, is that my husband may actually have some kind of compulsion to cheat -- just for its own sake.  A while ago, I found text messages where he was arranging to go off on a weekend getaway with his fuckbuddy while I was out of town -- and in the middle of this, he was also exchanging texts with a second guy who wanted to get together.  So my husband was actually trying to figure out how to cheat on the guy he's cheating on me with.  He and this second guy were talking about how they could arrange a hookup without the first guy getting suspicious.

I think sometimes there's just this compulsion to cheat, just because they find the risk of it exciting.

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:24 am)

This is regarding the straight spouse telling the children that their other parent is Gay.
I decided to not tell our children, believed that was his "secret" to tell. He told me in April, but did not have the courage to tell them until September. So, during those 5 months, he was able to make my life a living Hell by undermining every plan I had.
During the previous year, he & I had "planned" to take the family to visit close friends who had moved to another city about 5 hours by airplane away. After he told me, he decided "he was too busy with his new business", so in an effort to keep my promise, I took them. Our son, aged 10 years, was quite angry because he saw the husband (of the other family) interact with his sons in a lovingly, fatherly way. He asked me, "Why doesn't Daddy want to be with us?" As the mother who "knew", I was stuck with trying to not lie and not tell the truth.
I'd tell him, "You need to ask him." And he did, every evening when he called home. His father gave him the same reason/excuse, "I have a business to run."  After a few days, the man didn't answer the 'phone.
Our daughter, aged 14 years, I am sure suspected something, because she did not see her parents treat each other as the other couple treated each other.
Going back to when I was 16, my father (following a very heated argument with me) told me that he was in love with another woman, whose husband had recently died. I recall having very mixed feelings of anger, disgust, sadness, none of them good. But as I processed this information, I could see more clearly the behaviour of my father toward my mother as more than his "busyness". I was able to recognize that he was avoiding her because he was a coward and cheater.
Anyway, I was able to apply some of what I had learned from my parents' "relationship" to my own experiences with my children.
When their father did eventually tell them, he did so separately. Our son was playing a computer game, so probably didn't take in all of what his father said.
Suffice it to say, the man has been defending his closet for at least 17 years. So when my now adult children told me a few months ago that their father had bought a condominium in Nice, France and was living with a man, I felt a sudden freedom. Since then, I have accepted that I am free to sell what had been our family-home.
Our children are adults and seem to be advancing in their chosen careers. Neither wants the house, even though my son was born in it (planned home birth).
What I am saying is that, "Circumstances do not stay the same any more than time stands still." Your son will eventually come to realize that his father was using you to live a lie. And while today you ache for the truth to be known, it will eventually be. The important thing is to not say or do anything to hurt your son. 
I have been reading the book, My Husband Is Gay, by Carol Grever. Page 135, "Don't seek children as allies. One of the most destructive practices is to encourage divided loyalties. ...Turning children against their father hurts everyone involved. Moreover, when young people realize that they were used as emotional pawns in this way, they will turn against the manipulative parent with a vengeance."
I am sorry that you belong to such a large, and seemingly growing "club". When our "advanced society" accepts homosexuality as innate and not a choice to sin, perhaps then there will be no reason for people to hide their orientation. And perhaps then, there will not be so many people trapped in MOMs, trying to extricate themselves.