OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Bi sexual wife

**Posted by Madmatt** November 13, 2018 9:12 am

My wife of 15 years has decided she needs to explore her bi sexual side. She has gone out with a group of like minded many times these last 6 months. She has had dates and wants to discuss them. I can’t.
She wants to stay married and we are very active sexually, I just can’t stop feeling betrayed. We have a great marriage, kids, the whole thing. I just can’t stop feeling horrible that all I want is her, and she wants more.
I know this isn’t a unusual thing these days. She assure me she loves me deeply and I believe her.
Just can’t stop feeling hurt. Mentally I’m actually fine.
Thoughts?

**Posted by phoenix** November 13, 2018 10:01 am

You have every right to be hurt. You entered into a marriage with the expectation of her alone fulfilling your needs and you alone fulfilling her needs. The idea of her seeking fulfillment outside your marriage is painful and not what you signed up for.

This is unusual. This is not acceptable. You shouldn't feel as though you need to accept this.

I'm sure you don't want a divorce and that is fine. I didn't either. But what I want you to understand is that you get to set boundaries and be assertive. If you aren't comfortable with her seeking something outside your marriage you have every right to set a boundary and say NO.

Welcome to our group Matt. We know what you are going through and are here to help.

**Posted by Madmatt** November 13, 2018 11:01 am

True.....she is always honest with me, wants to honest at all times. Wants me involved. I’m actually okay with a lot and we have talked rules and such. She is a wonderful woman. When it’s mental I’m good, it’s when I get emotional about it that the problem arises. I want to talk to her but fear her answers.
When we talked I was in a good place, I didn’t fully understand but honestly I didn’t need to, I trust her, I was a very wild man in the past, I still am a bit. (I’m 49) she trust me.
I’m rambling....
You know what upset me the most? When she said I could find something else too

**Posted by Daryl** November 13, 2018 7:16 pm

I see why that would sting. It's like a sugar coated rejection. Or a way to say it wasn't all about her, she offered something to you, but is it an offer you want?

Sorry you find yourself here. You can't really turn this into a mental exercise, separated from emotion. It's your life. As much as any of us might try to look objectively at things, it's not possible. You can only blockade it for so long before it overwhelms you and possibly starts to affect your health, relationships, work, etc. Maybe your first start should be some frank discussion and/or marriage counseling?

Last edited by Daryl (November 13, 2018 7:17 pm)

**Posted by Madmatt** November 13, 2018 8:01 pm

Yeah it’s kind of silly I married her simply because I never wanted to be with anyone else, she is the cornerstone of my family and my life. I don’t wanna be Trumatic I did tell her I posted this today she was not upset she was asking why didn’t talk to her valid point . I just wanted to get my head straight first I know many men would love to be in the situation I’m in but I’m not one of them it’s strange she goes out once or twice a month maybe has lunch with someone once a week honestly not that much difference in my life she’s just sexually attracted to the people she hangs out with she said that doesn’t diminish her attraction to me and honestly her actions lead me to believe that the last six months Have been some of the best in our marriage so who am I to complain maybe it’s more of a self-confidence issue on my part

**Posted by lily** November 13, 2018 9:39 pm

well yes, it is a self-confidence issue. we all get that - it is what you get when you are married to someone who doesn't desire you. it doesn't really matter what you do in the bedroom, it is an act not the full feelings on her part and your body knows even when your conscious mind doesn't - your self-confidence is affected.

wishing you all the best, Lily

**Posted by Madmatt** November 13, 2018 9:44 pm

That’s the thing she has been upfront about everything no secret even when I wish there were some our life together has been wonderful but since I don’t share her bisexuality I do not understand it I never well I’m just not wired to understand that I know this has become the new norm for a lot of people
We’re going to talk some tonight her and I we’ll see what happens

**Posted by Scrupulous** November 13, 2018 11:27 pm

And when she falls in love with one of her 'friends' and chooses them over you then you are going to be more than mad matt. She's on a slippery slope and it sounds to me that you allowed this 'fun' since it benifited you to some degree. But that will change. She's still new on her journey..the more she rides ahead, the smaller you'll look in the review mirror.
Sorry sweets but I tell it like it is. Your'e story mimics all the others. I wish you the best. Your 'wife' on the otherhand deserves little respect esp by the way she disrespected you. By her suggestion for you to find someone also was a slap in the face and a inkling on her true feelings regarding love and loyalty.
Hers is for herself and her own gratification. You just happened to be a cheering partner. Stop cheering and watch her break down ans show the real narcissism.

**Posted by Madmatt** November 14, 2018 8:51 am

Perhaps.... I knew she was bi when we married. I thought it was just a thing. You know. Now it is just a part of her. I love her and if this is her path so be it. I get nothing out of this personally. Not my thing. If she falls in love with someone else. Well we had a good run. Wow that sounded pragmatic she has never gone behind my back she has never lied that I’ve caught her and honestly I’m OK I have bad days but that’s moron me we did talk quite a bit last night . She brought up that when we did get married I was OK with us but we were so busy with kids house jobs that I never came up so we’ll play the wait-and-see game I understand everyone’s points . I just know when she’s happy I’m happy pack she invites me at all their gatherings so a group of bisexual middle-age professionals is that a coven what are recalling that Anyway I’m just documenting my journey Or rambling you decide

**Posted by lily** November 14, 2018 2:00 pm

"I get nothing out of this personally"

yes exactly, that is the problem.

identifying as a bisexual is a thing these days. It wasn't in the past, but they still found each other - covens are not a modern thing. As far as I can see, bisexual is a modern term for a woman who wants to marry a straight man and have children. But when it comes down to it, she is attracted to women.

you give her your love your fealty and she is in a lesbian dating pool. of course it hurts.

inviting you to come and watch isn't going to help.

you're happy when she's happy. understood. but is she happy when you're happy?

look after yourself.

all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (November 14, 2018 2:05 pm)