OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / GID? Anyone’s spouse believe their own lies when caught ?

**Posted by MomOfFour** November 2, 2018 4:28 pm

After lying about gender of infidelity partners when “busted” (first said caught crabs from female, then admitted male), GID/BI? Wayward spouse said he wasn’t “gay” because he did not enjoy his two encounters (admitted to two, but was on site for 3 years). Spouse almost seems to believe his own lies when he tells them - it is surreal. Is unexpected disclosure enough to send the one caught into irrational lies - I mean suspending disbelief? He is smarter than that and so am I.
Problem is he told the adult kids these explicit, detailed lies - . I’m not so angry about these lies because I think he can’t even process the magnitude of what happened (and I didn’t ever believe him about “two and out” - I knew about renewed website, not surprised lying) , but adult kids are shaken by the dishonesty. I know he loves them very much and want to comfort them, somehow. I think spouse is not of clear mind at moment - he is talking to doc and counselor next week.
**Sean’s “answers from Gay Ex Husband” post VERY helpful and enlightening - thank you!***

Last edited by MomOfFour (November 2, 2018 7:00 pm)

**Posted by MomOfFour** November 2, 2018 4:32 pm

I realize not clear - i know tons of little lies, obviously. I just wonder if spouse had a breakdown of sorts upon discovery, as the lies are just implausible. I am avoiding talking about it until he talks ( himself) to a professional. I truly believe he is incapable of telling the truth at this moment, can’t face it himself.

**Posted by Rob** November 3, 2018 12:59 am

I recommend you read up on narcissism..
It got to the point with my GX ., still to this day..if their lips are moving they are lying. I think it helps them sleep at night.

**Posted by Baffled** November 3, 2018 7:23 am

I can relate, about 2 million percent. Rob’s advice about reading up on narcissism (and I’d add sociopathic behaviors) is dead on target. You are being subjected to a special type of abuse, designed to keep you so confused he can continue to get away with his behavior with no consequences. I can almost guarantee you it wasn’t a time or two and he has absolutely no intent on stopping. They just get better at lying and hiding their behavior and you merely exist in a world where you begin to question your own sanity and mental capacity. Read up on gaslighting! I suggest you get to a doctor and get tested for all forms of STIs and HIV. Be prepared for escalating violence and rage as you hold on to your sanity and stop tolerating the abuse. Give yourself space so you can keep your mind and emotions firmly grounded in reality and make good decisions for YOU!

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 3, 2018 12:19 pm

Dear MomofFour:
He's not "wayward." He didn't wander off the garden path; he made the deliberate decision to cheat and to deceive.
And yes, I think that when discovered and confronted the GID/closeted spouse is so desperate they'll say--and promise--just about anything. They are that desperate to believe they aren't gay or to remain in their closets. I would never have believed my stbx could act the way he has, and say such contradictory things, if I hadn't seen and heard it for myself. If you need to say something to your children that will account for both the truth and for his lies, telling them that their father is having to confront an aspect of himself that he wishes he could disown and is so desperate that he's not in his right mind and is lying.
And don't get your hopes up that after he talks to a professional he's going to come to his senses. He's going to do and say anything to stay in his closet. Please don't deceive yourself, either; he's never going to "straighten up" and fly right.

**Posted by Willowtree99** November 4, 2018 5:55 am

I would look into narcissism I think it relates to many gay spouses. I have heard the lies at first and now it’s just the truth and yeh the truth hurts but less then the lies.

He will say and do anything to keep his secret and pretend not to be gay.

**Posted by Violated** November 4, 2018 5:20 pm

OMG....My GID soon to be x tells so many lies I think he is delusional. I was truly questioning my own sanity. At times he would convince me he didn't say what he had previously admitted to.....it got to the point I had to write things down he confessed to but eventually he would claim he never said them. He has so many stories he can't keep them straight. All these years, 44 years, I thought I had the bad memory or I misunderstood where he said he was going (he travels overnight weekly). After I discovered TGT 9 months ago, he has my head spinning, "I am bicurious, I am bisexual, I was just experimenting, I thought I was gay but I am not gay, I only had sex with one man, then I was raped by 3-4 men," then he picked his only one sexual encounter with a man at a bar.......

He has just worn me out, I am exhausted, I no longer care what the hell he thinks he is or what the hell he does......I want out. My divorce will be final January 10th, I am just remaining on good terms with him because he is being fair about the finances. So I am bidding my time, being smart , no more confrontations.

I am trying to avoid the anger and bitterness, at 64 years old, I don't have time for it. I am hoping for happiness and peace. My soon to be GIDX still lives in the house.....every time I look at him I see a gay man. I am told it gets better with time, I hope so.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 4, 2018 10:14 pm

Violated,
My stbx changes his story to suit whatever he needs to believe at the time. And every time, he acts like he's always thought or said what he's saying at the moment. He says it with such conviction, as if he always said exactly that. It's mind-boggling. I can well understand why you needed to write it down, just to convince yourself.
My divorce will be final, I hope, next week.
I am the same age as you are, and I, too, am looking forward to the end of having to deal with him and to get on with my life, one without his disorder. I've been in my own place for some months now, and I can say from experience that it does get better once you are no longer subjected to the traumatizing effect of having to be around them. I still need the SSN to ground me, but to a large extent I've moved on to focusing on my own life and my own future. I want to make the best and the most of the years I have left, and not to waste any more of them.

**Posted by jkc1214** November 15, 2018 12:11 pm

Answering a little late but I do believe my GID believes he is not really gay. He says and I believe he really thinks it's just a curiosity and that it only represents 1% of his sexuality. Joining a hookup site to find someone to have sex with on the down low is not a 1% thing. Risking bringing home God knows what to your wife is not a 1% thing, but he is still swearing that it is. Yesterday he asked me what he could do to help and I said "Go back in time and not marry me" and he told me that I am "his whole world" and honestly, I believe he really thinks that. I don't think it's a narcissism thing in him...he's just so confused and terrified to be who he really is that he's convinced himself he's not gay. I lived with a narcissist for 2 1/2 years before finally leaving and meeting my husband. My GID husband is NOTHING like this guy. But I do believe I was attracted to my husband because he didn't demand the things from me that my ex boyfriend did...I saw it was a wonderful thing...until now. Now I see what was really happening. Hind sight is truly 20/20.

I envy you that your divorce will be final soon. I haven't even started the process yet and it's SO overwhelming to me.

**Posted by Estella Oculus** November 29, 2018 10:25 pm

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 11, 2019 4:32 pm)