OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / New member, looking for support.

**Posted by IWantHimToBeHappy119** September 1, 2018 9:36 am

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have 2 children together plus his oldest child from another woman.
Since we've been together we've expressed our sexuality to one another. I've known almost from the beginning of our relationship that he had sexual desires for transgender wemon. But recently he's been requestioning his sexuality.
I'm desperately wanting to stay with him, but I want him to be happy. I've always been accepting of his sexuality, I myself am attracted to both men and wemon. But we are failing in this relationship because of his struggle and my not knowing how to talk to him about it with him. I'm scared he will eventually want to act out his feelings with a trans woman and he will want to leave our relationship behind. I want to help us be one. I need help, please.

**Posted by walkbymyself** September 2, 2018 10:31 am

Welcome to the group. I'm so sorry this is such a struggle for you, and it's obvious that you do truly want him to be happy.

I think one thing many of us have struggled with is the idea that having bisexual urges somehow absolves someone of sin for committing adultery. You've posted about his sexuality and your sexuality, but my question is, do you feel it's unreasonable of you to insist on fidelity from him?

I ask because before I learned my husband's secret, back in those innocent days when I just assumed he was straight, I would not have accepted his having sex with another woman, and I don't get why the gender of the person he's cheating with should somehow change that. He shouldn't have cheated on me, period. Would that deprive him of pleasure? Yes, it would. Presumably that's the tradeoff he willingly made when he asked me to marry him, because he asked me to make that same tradeoff for him. Which I did.

I get that you want him to be happy, I'm just wondering if anybody wants you to be happy.

**Posted by IWantHimToBeHappy119** September 2, 2018 10:47 am

WalkByMyself,
My counciler wants me to be happy lol! For real though, you're 100% correct, and yes, it hurts just the same as if he'd been wanting to cheat on me with a woman...as far as I know he hasn't gone that far.
We've always had a very open relationship, we've had 2 threesomes, one with another woman, one with another man. We had an amazing time with both...maybe looking back on it now, we may have had more fun with the man.
I guess the thing I've always sturggled with my whole life is I take care of EVERYONE else and I never mentally take care of myself...it's a weakness I need to improve on.
My husband must want me to be happy because he's clearly been struggling with this for a long time, and he hasn't said anything, maybe for my sake...but no matter if it's with a man, woman, or trans, if he isn't in love with me anymore...I will be just as heartbroken, but holding it back is only hurting him, me and eventually the kids too

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 2, 2018 2:03 pm

Do you honestly believe that if your husband starts have sex with transsexuals that's it's going to make life better and more happy for you and the kids? Do you honestly believe that you will be happy if he's having sex with transsexuals?
Do you know that among transsexuals the HIV rate is 25%(https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/group/gender/transgender/index.html)

This isn't really about sexual open mindedness or your willingness to experiment sexually. And it isn't ALL about what makes your husband happy. As Kel's tagline says, "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

Sean has a series of questions on his thread that he suggests the wives of gid men ask themselves about the kind of relationship they want. I'd say it might be a good idea for you to look for that, and perhaps to take the list of questions to your counselor, so you can explore them together.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 2, 2018 2:06 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 2, 2018 2:21 pm

IWantHimToBeHappy119 wrote:
.....
We've always had a very open relationship, we've had 2 threesomes, one with another woman, one with another man. We had an amazing time with both...When your relationship is on fire, everything feels stable and *right*...you can believe it will never go wrong. I thought our open r'ship was amazing too. Until, gradually it changed, and I realised it was an adventure that leaned more towards his pleasure, his discoveries, his fantasies. I think our men find it easier to hide hidden desires than be honest about where their life is heading. Then when it can be hidden no longer....they rely on our good hearts to somehow integrate their life-changes into ours.
My husband must want me to be happy because he's clearly been struggling with this for a long time, and he hasn't said anything, maybe for my sake..Men struggle with this because they don't have the skills (or the balls) to navigate the hurt they must know we'd feel if they were honest with us.
They don't say anything....for their own sake....not ours.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 6, 2018 7:32 pm)

**Posted by IWantHimToBeHappy119** September 2, 2018 6:29 pm

OutOfHisCloset,
In my heart of hearts I know i would be heartbroken, but I love him so much, his happiness matters to me too. It would be extremely odd if someone who claims to love someone else, to be hurtful and ignorant to said person.
Yes, at first I would be depressed ...but I've already gone through the "what is wrong with ME?" Phase. So all I want now is for him to be happy.
As far as HIV goes...we've never had any incounters that have been a risk, and as far as I know, he's never been unfaithful to me, and knowing him, he would be riddled with guilt and I would see it or he would tell me. After almost
st ten years, I know when something is off with him...hence why I'm here asking for help.
I will definitely look at Sean's page, thank you for the information ☺️

Ellexoh,
What your saying makes sense but I'm not sure how to answer... All I can say is: I hope he respects me enough after 8 years of being together and raising his 3 children for just as long, to tell me how he feels, because all he is doing his, not only hurting us but himself too.

**Posted by IWantHimToBeHappy119** September 6, 2018 11:12 am

Kel,
I'm not exactly sure what you are saying or what your talking about?? This has to do with my husband and his struggle with his sexuality and my struggle to help him be happy and for me to be happy. My husband has never been any sort of controlling. Maybe you responsed to the wrong post?

**Posted by Scrupulous** September 6, 2018 1:40 pm

"Men struggle with this because they don't have the skills to navigate the hurt they must know we'd feel if they were honest with us."

You are almost correct. Just replace the word skills with 'balls'.

"They don't say anything....for their own sake....not ours."
100% correct.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 6, 2018 6:28 pm

IWantHimToBeHappy,
What you say about your life exhibits all the characteristics of an abusive relationship. Controlling spouse, #1. That's what Kel is trying, gently, to tell you.
Fact is, if your husband is gay, then you cannot do one single thing to help him "be happy." You are going to have to look for your own happiness elsewhere, because otherwise you are letting yourself in for a world of hurt.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 6, 2018 7:34 pm

Scrupulous wrote:
You are almost correct. Just replace the word skills with 'balls'. .

Skills/balls.....potato/potarto edited it anyway