OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Legal Question

**Posted by phoenix** August 30, 2018 10:32 am

So if I understand correctly the Trans Ex is offering a larger settlement than what the courts would deem fair in trade for her silence on the topic.

If the settlement offer is not extremely generous and more than what the courts would likely award anyway if a judge was determining the settlement, then I'd tell him NO.
If the offer is extremely generous, but you are already set for life financially and don't need the extra money. I would tell him NO. Your authenticity will go further toward your happiness than some extra money that you don't really need.
If the offer is not extremely generous I would tell him NO.

If the offer is extremely generous and is money that you need to live comfortably and happily without stress for the rest of your life.. then you have to make a hard decision. I would probably take the money because I think financial comfort would lead to more happiness than telling the truth about my past. But I could see others feeling very differently about this. This would be a hard choice to make for sure.

**Posted by lily** August 30, 2018 1:41 pm

Hi cc,

when you talk about being pressured to sign off it makes me wonder if it might be worth looking around and getting some advice from another lawyer, hopefully even more expensive but at least as expensive.

wishing you all the best, Lily

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** August 30, 2018 3:34 pm

Phoenix,
My original plan was to maximize financial assets by remaining married and in the jointly owned and paid off house until I retired at the end of next year, but as you know, I actually moved to end the marriage at the end of January, and moved out then. I found living with a closeted spouse who made me feel at fault every day became worth the loss. However, if I'd been in dire straits financially, I would probably still be there. It's a tough call.

**Posted by phoenix** August 31, 2018 8:23 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Phoenix,
My original plan was to maximize financial assets by remaining married and in the jointly owned and paid off house until I retired at the end of next year, but as you know, I actually moved to end the marriage at the end of January, and moved out then. I found living with a closeted spouse who made me feel at fault every day became worth the loss. However, if I'd been in dire straits financially, I would probably still be there. It's a tough call.

I agree.. it's a really hard decision.. Financial sustainability vs. authenticity.

I almost think it's impossible to know unless you've tried both.. and you can't really do that.
It's almost inevitable that whichever one you pick with come with regret that you didn't chose the other. Being stable financially would help you live a comfortable life but I think you'd be wracked with regret about keeping secrets and feeling trapped in your past. Choosing the opposite and telling your story would free your spirit but if it left you financially strapped it would cause a lot of stress in your life just trying to "make it" and find a way to retire comfortably.

I won't ever say my ex was kind to me, but in a sense, the fact that she chose to divorce me and leave me rather than making me decide was a life-saver. I didn't have to make any of these hard decisions because they were made for me. Our divorce was done amicably and there were very few nerve-wracking decisions to make and none that involved trading secrets for finances. Of course she wanted me to keep secrets, but she wasn't able to tie any financial strings to them.

**Posted by phoenix** August 31, 2018 8:28 am

just a thought..

If you turn down the money and opt for truth you can't ever go back.
If you take the money and squirrel it away somewhere safe, if you decided later you wanted to change your mind and tell your truth, then you could give the money back. Or, better yet, get a good attorney and make your ex try to get it back ;) This option has some possibility of reversal if you changed your mind later.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** August 31, 2018 4:44 pm

I think if anything he's trying to make it impossible for her to speak the truth of the fact that he was ever a male. But who knows what's going on inside the minds of these disordered narcs.