OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Employment Red Flag

**Posted by a reader** August 22, 2016 4:17 am

Ladies & gentlemen, a big red flag I see a lot in the posts here is the chronically under- or unemployed spouse. I'm speaking only to the relationships where 2 incomes are required & the gay/bi/trans spouse seems to be always in extremely low-paying jobs and/or always quitting jobs with big employment voids between. Again, if there was a discussion & agreement for 1 spouse to not be employed to provide child care, that's a different story. But the under- or unemployed spouse who is supposed to provide half the income & doesn't is another red flag.

**Posted by WendiT** August 22, 2016 10:45 am

My X had the education (paid for by me in the end) and the credentials to be very successful. He was constantly let go (and it was always someone or something to blame). I was the work-horse who brought home the bacon and when I became a stay-at-home mom he rose to the occasion for a short while and blew up his career and our marriage pronto. Quicker than can be he married another woman who supports him fully.

After TGT discovery I used to ponder that if he used all the energy and effort he put into leading a double life and put it into his job he could have been very successful. It used to boggle my mind why anyone would choose to live like he does.

I agree a reader, it seems to be another part of the Down-Low MO: Let the wife work her butt off while I plow some strangers butt, so to speak . So very twisted and sad. So unproductive. I do still wonder from time to time what good he has to offer the world?

Last edited by WendiT (August 22, 2016 10:46 am)

**Posted by Kel** August 22, 2016 11:26 am

You're right! I'm not sure what being gay has to do with being chronically un or under employed, but it seems to be true a lot of the time.

WentiT's words almost exactly mimic my own story: "My X had the education (paid for by me in the end) and the credentials to be very successful. He was constantly let go (and it was always someone or something to blame). I was the work-horse who brought home the bacon". I did try to be a stay at home mom, hoping he'd rise to the occasion. We wound up bankrupt, had to sell our home, were on WIC and food stamps, and had to beg churches for money just to buy our baby's diapers.

Even now he's severely under-employed. He has a culinary degree, but is a waiter. I wish he'd step up, because what I get in child support is soooo measly.

Kel

**Posted by a reader** August 22, 2016 6:23 pm

It's not so much that it's a "gay" hallmark, but it's another piece of this issue many of us seem to deal with (it's either the under/unemployed or the traveling workaholic). The people who have the education and who could have successful careers seem not to be so concerned about being the breadwinner and are happy to let the other spouse shoulder most or all of the burden. The underemployed wants lots of time for his own pursuits and the traveler wants lots of time away from home for the same reason.

**Posted by selfrenewal** August 24, 2016 12:56 pm

I wonder if it has to do with the years or repression leading to depression or feeling of unworthiness by them, that doesn't allow them to act on their potential.

Don't know, but it's an interesting topic.

**Posted by grace** August 24, 2016 7:57 pm

Exactly the same experience. My STBX went back to school to get a degree the only thing left was to take a licensure exam which he did not pass. Twice. I totally agree that I always thought if he spent all his energy and focus on studying instead of leading a double life he would have had a better paying career right now. Meanwhile I "worked my butt off while he was plowing into another butt" LOL. Sad but true. I guess these guys were content to be underachievers because we were always there to cushion them financially. I was always the one who got us out of financial worries. Not to say we were rich or I earned a lot but my salary and lots of overtime on my part always saw us through. Meanwhile he used his time to troll craigslist men on men lists. WTF. It makes my blood boil just to think of it. Im using these realizations to help me see my divorce through. If not, I'll feel pity for him again sad sausage that he is. Barf.

**Posted by Lake Breeze** August 24, 2016 10:13 pm

I think that some of these guys also quite likely have a sense of entitlement. I think they feel cheated by life, by having been born gay, and in many respects feel they consequently deserve something like a free ride, not to have to carry the ball as much as others, etc., It could also be a hallmark of narcissism.

**Posted by Rob** August 25, 2016 12:00 am

Interesting topic. I think their is some narcissism. .or a sense of entitlement. Or...they hate themselves so much.. I feel the former..if my lezex devoted as much to finding a job or building up the life we had instead of having an affair and shopping for herself and lover I think we would be ok. Instead she had an affair..then plotted and schemed a new life. She had no problem finding a job when the court said she needed to find one. But she couldn't find one for me.

Last edited by Rob (August 25, 2016 12:00 am)

**Posted by JJ1966** August 26, 2016 10:35 am

This is interesting, my husband, would quit his job at the drop of a hat. Once doing it on my birthday, and I was his supervisor. Made for an interesting work environment that day.

**Posted by PittGuy76** August 27, 2016 2:07 pm

It was the exact opposite in my case. When I met my "lezex", I was unemployed and she was working three jobs to pay the bills and keep her house. She always made more than me. Always in Management positions. She did move jobs quite a bit, but always worked consistently. Changed jobs five times in the 6 years we were together. Once we married, I did pay the bills from my income. She spent our money like crazy, overdrawing our account on occasions. My mother helped out financially a great deal. But The X paid the house payment, since it was her house I was living in. She had a separate account that she never let me see. I have no idea how much money she hid away.

Last edited by PittGuy76 (August 27, 2016 2:10 pm)