OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

**Posted by greyhound gal** June 7, 2018 3:07 pm

I wish I'd found this ages ago! I've only just done number 1- going to the clinic tomorrow to get tested.
Maybe flag the post up some where separate to its easy to see first? For the newbies?

**Posted by phoenix** June 7, 2018 3:30 pm

Yes! I will definitely do this. I'm planning to make it a "sticky" post so that it stays at the top of the support forum. I'm also hoping to get it published in the SSN newsletter and also talk about it on the new SSN podcast.

**Posted by Leah** June 7, 2018 4:36 pm

Great idea Phoenix!

I think in the resources area it would be helpful to have a list of books and links to that Ted talk by Emily...? And a few others from YouTube that have been linked in various threads on the SS dilemma.

I remember just being in such denial myself that I was not even ready to think that my spouse was deceiving me despite so much evidence. So sometimes the bumbling around this forum is the most helpful, and especially the replies from people here of support and understanding which more than anything let you know you are not alone.

But also think this will be super useful as a first post to read.... Lots of forums have a first read this post, so it will be great to have such a welcoming and practical thing to help newbies.

Keep up the good work.

**Posted by Kathyd** June 7, 2018 8:43 pm

When I was in the hospital, a nurse told me:

"You don't have to make any decisions right now, there'll be plenty of time for that later" Right now you deal with you and your shock.

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** June 8, 2018 7:30 am

One thing I read in a lot of posts on the transgendered spouses boards is that people feel guilty for not feeling supportive of their spouse's coming out. They don't want the same sex relationship they now find themselves in and they feel guilty about that. They also fear that this makes them transphobic. It does not. Again, this may be more associated with TTT (the trans thing) and may not come up as much with TGT, but I think it is important to tell people that not being ok with this doesn't mean you are transphobic or a homophobe.

Stay Strong.

**Posted by phoenix** June 8, 2018 7:59 am

StrongerThanIKnew wrote:
One thing I read in a lot of posts on the transgendered spouses boards is that people feel guilty for not feeling supportive of their spouse's coming out. They don't want the same sex relationship they now find themselves in and they feel guilty about that. They also fear that this makes them transphobic. It does not. Again, this may be more associated with TTT (the trans thing) and may not come up as much with TGT, but I think it is important to tell people that not being ok with this doesn't mean you are transphobic or a homophobe.

Stay Strong.

Stronger.. Thank you for bringing this topic up.
I want this first-aid kit to be helpful to all of our group. It's not just meant for those with gay or lesbian spouses.

How can this be edited to be more helpful to those with trans spouses?

Should I add something like you said in the adjust your mindset section about being supportive.. "You are not required to support their actions and you should not feel guilty about it. This is not what you signed up for and you don't have to support something that brings pain into your life"???

**Posted by Daryl** June 8, 2018 6:39 pm

phoenix wrote:
Should I add something like you said in the adjust your mindset section about being supportive.. "You are not required to support their actions and you should not feel guilty about it. This is not what you signed up for and you don't have to support something that brings pain into your life"???

I think that would be a very good addition.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 10, 2018 3:43 am

The word "unfortunate" to describe newbies is, I feel....not the correct one

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 10, 2018 6:38 am

Phoenix,
How about "You should not be expected to support their actions, which have brought pain into your life; nor should you feel guilty about your feelings."

**Posted by phoenix** June 10, 2018 2:24 pm

Ellexoh - that is just the year+ old title of this thread. I will create a new thread for the actual finished product.

OOHC - Added it to the most recent draft on page 3. Great input. Thank you!