Posted by Astor56  May 8, 2018 6:19 pm | #1 |
I found out 10 years ago that my spouse is transgender. Mood swings and drama have made our marriage difficult for me. I am not very feminine myself. I like to wear nice things, get my nails done, and shop. But only sometimes. If I even suggest that I want a new shirt, my spouse has to get one too and then a dress, new shoes and outspend what I was thinking. If I say something about money, my spouse says I don't love her, I don't accept her, she wants to kill herself. I just do without rather than going through all the drama. I am tired of the insecurity of "does this look ok?" She goes to work and wears office dresses every single week day (for years) She wears dresses to church on Sunday. She wears women's jeans on Saturday. But the constant need for affirmation can get old. I won't understand how difficult it is for her. But my patience wears thin. She has been going to counseling by herself for 8 years. She still gets angry and aggressive and scary with me sometimes. She refuses marriage counseling definitely. She says that she needs counseling not me. I wonder what really goes on in counseling.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset May 8, 2018 6:43 pm | #2 |
Ten years of reckless spending and emotional blackmail (threats of suicide) sounds excruciating. And likely to continue, as autogynephilic transwomen can't ever really be satisfied, because although they're trying to live as women, and want very much to be women, they are constantly fighting the knowledge that they aren't (hence the hair trigger and the need for affirmation). It's tough to be the partner, because the autogynephilic spouse resents you for your femaleness (I once complained to my stbx about the haircut my stylist had given me that day, and his response was an aggrieved, "I wish I had your hair!").
You have to ask yourself what you want from a marriage and whether you're getting out of the marriage what you need to; if the answer is that this situation is not acceptable to you, and you can't get any cooperation from your spouse to go for counseling, then you have hit a dead end. If you are feeling that you've had enough, it's perfectly ok for you to decide that you don't want to stay married to a transwoman.
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Posted by Astor56 May 8, 2018 7:00 pm | #3 |
Thank you OutofHisCloset. I have been thinking about moving on for a very long time. Once I save money, I will be on my way. Two years ago, I insisted on separate bank accounts. And have other accounts to build from that she knows nothing about. Everything will come out in the divorce. But I need enough to get away safely. I won't be saying that I am leaving in person. We don't have kids or any property of any kind .All of my things will be gone along with me one day. She will receive the divorce papers and a courteous phone call from me that the marriage is over. I have spoken with lawyers in the past. They advised me that the emotional abuse is the reason to leave without an explanation at first.
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Posted by Lynne May 8, 2018 7:41 pm | #4 |
delete
Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:30 pm)
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Posted by OutofHisCloset May 8, 2018 7:42 pm | #5 |
Astor,
I said the same thing, that financial considerations were keeping me in the marriage, and finances were such that I'd wait to get out for three years. Turns out it was less than two, as I reached the point where the scales tipped and my health and sanity was worth more than the added financial security. I'm living on my own now, and it is less comfortable financially, but it's far more peaceful, and, added benefit, friends are coming by to have coffee or lunch or a drink on the porch of my new place. I isolated myself in that crazy situation, stayed in his closet (my stbx dressed and acted out only at home, and still presented publicly as the male he is), for most of that three years, and now I'm re-establishing friendships with those I distanced myself from, because I couldn't stand having to hide. Let me just pass on a little wisdom my mother offered me when years ago my stbx said we couldn't have a child because we weren't financially secure yet: "If you wait until you're financially secure, you'll never have a child." I know that doesn't apply to you exactly, as you're saving and working toward the financial goal that will enable you to leave; all I mean to suggest is that you might be able to exit quicker if you think about the cost of staying and weigh that against what you'll lose out on financially.
In the meantime, vent away. It's a safe space here for the likes of us, and there aren't too many of them for us!
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 8, 2018 7:46 pm)
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Posted by Astor56 August 10, 2018 4:24 pm | #6 |
Thank you Lynne for your comment. I am still married. I do not have the financial means to leave yet. But I have my own bank account, and I just got a new job that pays more. I agree that I have to leave or I will never have a life to call my own.
