Kel wrote:

gonzo,

My mother supposedly said (to my ex's mother) that maybe I "caused" my ex to "turn" gay.  "Because of the type of woman that I am."  What the actual f*ck? My mom denies saying such a thing to my ex MIL, but either my mom did say it (which is likely), or it was my ex MIL's way of saying it while accusing someone else of it.  Either way, it was bunk.

Please, my head just exploded.

If there's one thing I've learned from reading here, it's that we're all very quick to buy into a narrative.  For a long time, gay people had to live a closeted life -- and I'm sure there are places where that's still the case.  I won't pass judgment on anyone who lives in Russia being in the closet, knowing they'd be jailed or lynched if they were found out.  But, I know a lot of openly gay men and women who had to do the difficult thing and tell their parents, and their churches, and their bosses.  Maybe it was difficult but it was the right thing to do.  Maybe traditionally gays were victims ... but that's not an excuse for gay people to victimize other people in 2018.  

Last edited by walkbymyself (April 25, 2018 11:07 am)

I'm in the same exact boat Greyhound.  My husband moved out a month ago.  I'm going through the exact same feelings as you are.  I don't have any answers either.  How do we start over??  Is it even possible when we're this emotionally screwed up?   Sometimes I get soooo angry and can't sleep I'll text him all night long or call screaming at his voicemail.  Sounds ridiculous but it feels good at the time.  I'm looking forward to the day I can get a dog.  I'm not sure I'm ready to be a single dog mom yet as I can barely take care of myself but I sure do need a rescue to love.  If I find any ideas on how to meet new people I'll certainly share them with you.  Right now I'm thankful that I found this website it just may be saving me.

Greyhound Gal,

I would stay with no contact if you can.
You do not owe him anything.
Dedicate this time to yourself and your recovery. He will be no help in it, but a constant reminder.

In-laws will always side with their kids. No matter what they did. So your relationship will get colder.
If it comes to friends, those who care for you, will be your big supporters, especially knowing what he has done to you.
It was double betrayal on his side: lies about important part of his sexuality that affected your marriage( those constant lies) and infidelity.
I have to keep reminding myself about this too. Normally, I would not forgive this to my best friend. You don't have to hate him, you just letting him go with all bad memories, pain and negativity that crumbled around you.
I wish I could do that, but I have small kids. However, I do not let him to put me in a bad mood anymore. I take my life into my hands and even if I have to see him, I feel so distant with him. No desires for more friendship.
E-Hugs

Last edited by Lena (April 27, 2018 4:01 pm)

greyhound gal wrote:

Thanks. I feel so lost today. He was round again yesterday collecting more stuff and it has set me back I think.
I lost my temper a bit when he talked about meeting 2 friends for dinner. I pointed out that between working all the hours and trying to care for our old dog (who now has separation anxiety) I couldn’t do that. I was resentful that I’d been left like this.
2 questions for you all-
I feel like I want to ask him to stay away. I can’t cope with visits. Is this fair?
Also, how many of you feel you have lost friends and relatives through your break up?
People/in laws I have know for nearly 30 years have disappeared without a word. That hurts.

It is absolutely fair. If he has things he needs to pick up, arrange a time and leave the house - unless you are not comfortable having him there by himself.

And yes. I haven't heard from his family which doesn't surprise me, but it does hurt a little. I really love my in-laws. They kind of took me in after my own parents passed away. I also didn't hear anything from people we had gone to church with for over 10 years. Not 1 person reached out to me to see how I was doing or even to ask if what they were hearing was true.

Other people, though, have been wonderfully supportive.

But yes.... it is fair. Do what is best for you.

Stay Strong

Giving you all a massive virtual hug just now!
Lots of friends and family know we have split up but hardly anyone knows that its because he is gay. He hasn't even told his mother! I have started telling people when they ask because I am sick of the dishonesty and also it stops people asking if there's any chance of a reconciliation, lol.  He will not like it but I dont feel like I can move on otherwise.
Do you know I look forward to the day when no-one has to go through what we are going through. Surely it has to be soon?