Well, it had to happen. I've hit rock bottom again. Wasn't expecting it so soon. I think its mostly due to the fact that I am back at work tomorrow and will now be working nearly full time. So the old feelings of anger at being left in this predicament have resurfaced. It really is a roller coaster isn't it? 
Coming off facebook for a while too I think as it seems to be full of happy couples.

greyhound gal wrote:

......Coming off facebook for a while too I think as it seems to be full of happy couples.

 

I'm finding myself using Facebook as a personal diary. Not every day, but sometimes I need to write something down, don't want it public, but want it easily found. So I click on the "lock. Only me" emblem, and know it'll come up as a memory in a years time. Even though a few people know my story I still feel apprehensive about publicly showing my pain.
I added the last paragraph to this post......then decided to lock it because it made me feel so vulnerable. 

""Yesterday we were in the city....and walked past several beggars. Most had crudely written signs on scraps of cardboard asking for money. Hungry, homeless etc. Almost all of them looked downtrodden and hopeless, some made eye-contact, some didn't. A few talked to themselves
Then we came upon an old guy. Wiry and spry he was standing, juggling and wore a bright yellow shirt and had a huge smile on his face as he expertly tossed balls in the air. 
I caught his eye as we passed, his face brightened even more and he asked "any coins...?" 
I shook my head, smiling & said "nope" 
He laughed as he said "Aw....no" but kept smiling, kept juggling and I wished I'd had some money to give him. He wasn't sitting expecting money to drop into his cap, and I wondered if his smile hid some personal/financial/emotional pain from a life that knows you get nothing without giving something back.Nobody knows what goes on behind the smile. I hope the next time I see him that I have a few coins in my pocket.**We all juggle balls right? of one sort or another. Sometimes it's not easy to see what another person is juggling....because they keep that smile on their face. And it's not/it wasn't easy to admit that I was juggling a few too many life-altering balls, but when I did...it felt good to have told others because I felt the people I told would have my back if I needed help.And they kinda did. But I'm still here juggling alone. I've said "I'm keeping these balls in the air" 
I'm doing it by myself but it sure would be good if somebody, anybody... asked "how's the ball-juggling going....do you need a hand...some input...a critique....a conversation about the weather?" ** ""
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (April 16, 2018 8:33 pm)

Think I was just worried about starting my new job. It made me really angry that I’d been put in this situation. The anger built up and sort of took over for a bit.
I’m better now- work was fine, if tiring. The dog is finding it hard too. She’s not used to me being out so much and that upsets me. A friend said I should maybe write and tell him how I feel but I’m not sure I see the point.
It’s only been 2 weeks but we’ve barely had any contact at all. I think the main problem is that I didn’t say everything I should have said before he left.
If I could give anyone advice that would be it-

delete

Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 1:56 pm)

Yay for you Greyhound gal, you sound like you are starting to take care of you.

Yes they are so self absorbed and fill of themselves, I have been in the same place as you almost a year ago, the only thing I found that I could cope was to talk about it, who cares what others think of you, yes my husband lived a double life for five years and yes I felt stupid but it wasn't me with the problem or me not being dishonest with myself it was him, and there is much that people can learn from us going through this...
I lost friends, felt held back and was always feeling like I had a problem...
When I started taking a step back and looking after me and accepting that he was gay and he had left me for a man, there was no turning back and that I had a life too to live.

My little dog has been my rock she comes everywhere with me and she has stayed by my side.

You will be okay and its not your fault its there problem.

Big hugs because you are not alone.